How UWCCF Viewed Dating
The CCF stigma of “dating” that was instilled in my 1st year has been very prominent in majority of my undergrad. I think the stigma has caused a poor mindset for many because it has severely overly complicated the dating process and hindered many platonic girl-guy relationships.
What was it?!?
DISCLAIMER: I am only speaking from a male perspective as it’s easier for me and because it’s the only perspective I’ve experienced, but could be applicable to females too. I am also assuming both parties are Christians.
SCENARIO: You go to church or fellowship and this girl catches your eye. Maybe it’s the first time you’ve seen her or maybe you’ve seen her every week, but never had the opportunity to speak with her. Well today’s the day. You get right into it and ask for a 1-on-1. What would the CCF in my first year say to this approach? “Nope.” Okay how about if you’ve spoken to her a few times and even had one bible study together? “Nah fam, try again.” Okay okay okay, what if we’ve been in the same small group all term? Can I do it now? “Not yet.”
STEP 1: The Feels
Even after interacting with her in a group setting, you must evaluate your feelings to see if they are genuine. Why do you like her? Is it because she’s cute? Is it because she’s funny? Is it because you can be super comfortable around her? If those are the extent of your reasons, unfortunately for you, you have failed the test. Your reasons should relate to traits she can use to serve God because of her love for Christ. Wait a second, is she even serving? If not, forget about it. But if she is, examples of these traits could be: caring/compassionate because she’s serving in Internal Ministry, using her musical talents to serve on Worship Ministry, has passion and leadership hence she’s on Comm, or likes being accountable hence doing DG/SG.
STEP 1.5: Whatchu trynna do tho?
Wow great! You see some great non-shallow traits about her and you’re attracted to that! Wonderful! Now ask yourself what your intentions are for asking this girl out. Seems pretty straight-forward, doesn’t it? You want to ask her out, hoping that she reciprocates her feelings so that the both of you can start dating. But knowing this is what leads to Step 2.
STEP 2: Do you know what you’re getting yourself into?
This poses two questions: 1. Do you know the purpose of dating? 2. Are you ready to date?
(In a Christian context, we should all know the purpose is marriage so I’m skipping this segment)
Because the purpose of dating is for marriage, you must figure out if you can fulfill the role of a Godly man in a relationship. This entails having attributes of a Godly man and Godly husband, and Scripture has plenty of verses for that. But wait, there’s more. Here, listen to some sermons from Paul Washer, Tim Keller, Voddie Baucham, and Matt Chandler on fulfilling your role. Also, read these articles from Desiring God on marriage. Now that you have read Scripture, read articles, and listened to preachers speak on marriage, you are now informed of the requirements of a God-glorifying relationship.
You can now proceed to the next step of self-reflection.
Step 2.5: Are YOU that person?
Now is a time for strong and patient discernment. You must now pray and wait for God’s answer on whether you should proceed with the pursuit or not. You should also tone down the amount you interact with this person to avoid clouded judgment because you’re probably blinded by “love”. If your prayers have been answered and God gives you the go ahead, you’re pretty much set! You can finally approach the girl!!
But wait, there’s ONE MORE thing you have to be aware of…
Step 3: The Execution
When you have made the approach, you MUST clearly tell them your intentions of asking them out. Hit them with the “I’m interested in you and I want to get to know you better.” If you don’t explicitly tell them this, you risk them being confused about your intentions.
What the Old Lens can vs. cannot show
Having good reasons for liking someone is important. You can’t just shoot your shot at everyone. However, figuring out what kind of person she is doesn’t have to only come from group settings or watching from afar. You’ll find out much more about her at a quicker rate if you hang out 1-on-1. There is no doubt about that.
Setting your intentions clear assures her that you are trying to date her. She will not be confused with “Oh he just wants to hang out.”. But if you know you are trying to pursue her, you’re likely going to ask for another hangout, and another, and another (This is under the assumption that you two are not already good friends. New-ish friends at most).
It is definitely important to understand what the Bible says about being godly and fulfilling the roles of a husband because that is what you should be working towards, but let’s re-emphasize that it is something to work towards. It is not something that you need to already fully be before attempting a relationship. Not only that, but how can you say you are ready to take on the roles of a husband if you’ve never entered a situation to test that? An example that we are all familiar with is writing exams. Never can you say you are or are not ready for an exam after reading the material. You’ve likely done practice questions to test your knowledge and simulate the exam, but there’s no way you’ll know you’re prepared until you sit down and face the exam. What you can say, is you are ready to take on the challenges of a relationship. You will realize what you don’t know, and you’ll find the solution afterwards.
Praying and discernment are to avoid impulsive decisions, but that should come when you get to the DTR (define the relationship) stage. If you’re just asking someone out, you shouldn’t be judged for not taking days/weeks to pray and discern.
Varying Faith Maturity Levels
The CCF back in my first year also wanted to ensure both parties were at a good level of faith. It was believed that the spiritually maturer one would be dragged down by the less mature one. If both sides were newer Christians, then it would seem neither of them have a solid understanding of what the Bible says yet, therefore working on their individual spiritual journey should be priority.
This means the only option is for both you and her to already be solid mature Christians.
But that’s not the right mentality that we should have. So long as both individuals profess their faith and are continuously trying to grow in their faith, it shouldn’t matter. Growing is an ongoing process, and a relationship will allow the couple to grow together.
Why did this affect me so much?
If you didn’t follow this entire procedure, you’d get hit with the judgment. I’ve witnessed it myself. Thus, my conclusion was this had to be the formula for a godly approach to dating.
I applied this process into my life pretty early on, but realized how time consuming and stressful it was when I executed it. I will admit it was a good learning experience, but I would never recommend doing it again. It honestly takes up too much brain power and can be very distracting if you’re taking this process very seriously. I know it did for me.
Even after I decided to scrap that mindset, my subconscious haunted me whenever I had interest in someone. I told myself I will just be casual about attempting 1-on-1s, but whenever the thought of that came up my subconscious tells me I’ll be judged by the CCF stigma, turning me away from acting upon it. Notice the vicious cycle that has been created: not wanting to abide in the process but also fearing judgment for not abiding.
Not only that, I couldn’t even ask a fellow sister to chill without having people gossiping about our relationship status. There are things easier spoken to with brothers and other things with sisters, hence the need for diversity of whom we interact with. So if there’s gossiping and rebuking for doing 1-on-1s, I should limit my close friends to only guys. This is cutting off half of CCF (Sike, more like 25% because of UW ratio yikes). But how can we call ourselves a fellowship when we restrict whom we can fellowship with?
Conclusion
So what am I trying to get at through this post? Pre-dating is far from dating. Dating is even further from marriage. You don’t have to take the pre-dating process that seriously. Yes, be mindful of the feelings of others, know your intentions, and know what the Bible says. But this does not need to be a long drawn out process before making that first move. There is no perfect formula where you plug in the right parameters to get the result you’re looking for. You can put all your effort into this, but she can still hit you with the “no. I’m not interested.” Don’t waste your time like that. If you’re interested in someone and you both profess that Jesus is your Lord and Saviour, go get to know her in whatever way works. There’s no need to complicate things.
As I have become the uppest of upper years, I can see this mentality have less of an effect in the current CCF and I’m glad. There should be nothing wrong with two opposite genders hanging out 1-on-1 because being able to hang out with your sisters as you would with your brothers should be normal. If you do suspect their relationship status, there is nothing wrong with asking to clarify. If there are differing intentions between the two, clarify them, know your mistakes and fix them.
As Christians, we don’t learn what perfection is by being perfect. You also don’t become perfect just by knowing what perfection is. You learn what is perfect because we know we’re imperfect. Our sin and failures are what point us back to Christ. Instead of judging from afar, let us support one another as we walk this journey together.
