Let Him Cook
Frosh Reflection — Amy Kusnandar
Welcome! By this point, a few frosh reflections have come out, so I started to think about whether mine would have a similar amount of insightfulness. The thing is, reflection comes differently for everyone; my reflection doesn’t or shouldn’t have to be the same as others. The eight months of my first year studying at Waterloo were filled with memorable learning experiences that I would like to share with you all! Just as the title mentions, letting God lead and work, or “cook,” in my life is something that I slowly realized during my first year and is still something I am learning to open my eyes to. Without further ado, I present to you all a brief timeline of stories from my frosh experience with CCF.
Be warned: the following may contain a slightly excessive use of what they call “GenZ slang.” I hope you are not too bothered by this (I may be myself in the future ;-;)
The Christian Parents’ Concern
sheesh. Well doesn’t that start harsh?
Before going to university, I was made very aware of an underlying concern that parents tend to harbour when their children are sent off to university. In my church community, I would often hear stories or comments from the aunties and uncles about people becoming “hilang,” or lost in Indonesian. The word “lost” was used to describe people who had grown up in faith but had slowly fallen out of it and stopped attending church. They simply lost faith. Parents would not be able to control their children once they leave the nest. Whenever my parents told me those types of stories, I could see the worried expression on their faces for their peers, but also for me.
“Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day…But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.”
— Deuteronomy 8:11, 18 NIV
I am a hard worker because I am hard-working
Growing up in a Christian family, I was already exposed and conditioned to church life. Along with being put in a Christian elementary school, my parents stressed the importance of faith and believing in God in our lives. They also often served in ministry, and seeing their hard work for God and the church influenced me to do the same wherever I could. Whether it be for church summer camp, softball ministry, or fellowship, I happily did it all. The summer before uni was practically spent almost entirely on church ministries, and I felt so much enjoyment and fulfillment from it. My faith was already so integrated with my life that I did not question much about where I stood or how I was living out my faith other than through serving. Being aware of the fact that people would lose their faith in Christ once entering uni, I was only more determined to keep myself in the faith by attending church and a fellowship regularly. And of course, as someone from Markham, CCF was the closest (and only one I knew of actually) fellowship I could see myself in. I had Waterloo alumni from church tell me about it, so I was already set on going as soon as I arrived in Waterloo.
The adventure begins!
From the beginning, CCF was already much more different than high school fellowships were. The people were all older in their journey of life, of course, but they all seemed more passionate about faith, the Bible, and the community. (I also found how everyone is connected in some way or another from other ministries, Markham/RHill and related places gang I’m talking about you.) After telling my parents about how exciting and surprising CCF was for me, they said it was because the people actually WANTED to be there. Everyone was immediately so loving and caring, and just by observing them, you could tell there was a difference. The more I talked to others who asked me about my faith, the more I felt the urge to take my faith more seriously. If you had talked to me during the end of first term, I would have probably said something along the lines of that — wanting to develop a more personal relationship with God especially now that I was living alone. But that was only the start.
The upper years are so pog, I can’t lie.
fruitacious fellowship for fellow frosh
For my 1A term, I was generally still very focused on my studies. The time I spent at fellowship and with others outside was a healthy, regular amount. I think I was also slowly figuring out how to live on my own, who I wanted to be around, and overall learning to manage my time. Four months go by really fast, and by the end of the term, I felt a longing to get closer to others in my year. CCF was already going great for me, and I was (and still am) extremely grateful for the community it gave me.
After finishing the first term decently okay, I thought that I could handle serving in some capacity for the second term as an extracurricular. When the announcement for Frosh Cell leading came out, I was immediately interested and signed up, hoping to grow in my faith and be closer to others in my year. Frosh Cell leading would allow me to continue serving in ministry in some capacity at university, so I took the opportunity.
the academic shovel arc
Academically, the second term was definitely tougher. More of my stresses started to emerge more often when I felt and fell behind intellectually from the rest of my peers in class. Courses were all doable, but for some reason, I just could not fully understand anything or get the information smushed in my head. I was also starting to slack a little. Frosh Cell leading and planning would be an extra commitment that I would put more time into rather than my studies. I also started hanging out with fellow frosh more often. Of course, I was having fun and preferred doing those things rather than studying. The guilt only continued to build up as I continued to stress myself out while running away from my responsibilities. The more time I spent with others, the less I spent reviewing my notes and the more I felt behind in a few of my courses. The fact that I wasn’t bagging a co-op job either did not help with my increasingly lurking stress. I felt even more guilty when my parents, out of concern and worry for me, reminded me that I was at Waterloo to study; my role here is to be a student.
So yeah, my time management sucked.
fumbling frosh fears
As I was juggling both school and serving, another stress came upon me in addition to my academic shovel arc: while observing and working with my fellow Frosh Cell leads, I started to feel inadequate as a leader, wondering whether my faith was good enough for the role. Everyone had such an evident passion for faith when it came to preparing for Bible studies and other activities, and it felt that they were so much more knowledgeable than me in terms of faith and Bible knowledge. Like pulling up a Bible reference out of nowhere? That’s cool.
I started to question whether I was really living out my faith enough in daily life. Who am I to lead if my own faith is not strong enough, or if I am not confident enough in my faith? Sure, I was more interested in making my faith more personal, but had there been change since coming to uni? Was it good enough? Was I good enough? These questions would be at the back of my head constantly. Although it was a humbling experience for me, it also caused me to be anxious and worried about almost everything at that time. School, faith, relationships, co-op. My head was overfilled with too many thoughts.
The Bible study Frosh Cell did on Philippians 4 came in the midst of all of that. The section we were looking at had that one verse that stuck out to me. Not only did the verse serve as a reminder for me to put my anxieties to God, but it also made me realize just how stressed I actually was.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
— Philippians 4:6–7 ESV
This is where I slowly started to see how God was able to “cook” during that time period. Looking back, I can’t say for sure if I was fully able to submit everything to God. However, I do know that He was working in and around me to give me peace.
“You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”
— John 13:7 NLT
Before taking a short break from leading during one of the peaks of my academic stress, I voiced my worries to close friends over my role as a Frosh Cell leader. I was reminded that I shouldn’t be concerned over whether I was “good enough” or not, but rather be grateful that I was simply willing to serve in the first place. God calls us to serve in many ways that we may not realize.
And so the term ended… I completed all my finals to the best of my ability, thinking, “Whatever the result is, it’s in God’s hands.” In the end, I successfully passed all my courses and eventually found a co-op placement!
Towards the end of the term, I was shown how things would happen in God’s time, and not mine (to let Him cook ykyk). The culminating stress I had built up over second term also showed me how I couldn’t do it all. We can’t do it all. In those times, I was reminded again to look to God for guidance in my life and for Him to give me peace. Overall, these experiences pushed me to take my faith more seriously — something that I admit will still need to be worked on.
“(For the law made nothing perfect); but on the other hand, a better hope is introduced, through which we draw near to God.”
— Hebrews 7:19 ESV
As this closed the end of my first year at Waterloo, those around me also started to reflect on how far we’ve come and what lessons we’ve learned. It’s kind of crazy to think that I won’t be a first year anymore (sadge), as the time really went by so quickly. A question my friends asked (for the sake of a more intentional reflection) was…
“What was your happiest and saddest moment of first year?”
I initially struggled with this question, not just because we had just received food in front of us, but because I couldn’t really think of one majorly happy and sad moment. My life so far hasn’t had THAT many extreme ups and downs. My first response to the question was that I felt that I was perpetually living in both my happiest and saddest moments.
I thought I was slick by saying that.
Especially in second term, I was always so happy with the people I was around, regularly hanging out and slowly getting closer with my year in general. However, at the same time, my academics were not doing as well as I wanted them to be. It was like a constant cycle of joy and despair happening all at once, on a weekly or even daily basis. You could say that I was only surviving because of the constant “gaslighting” I was putting myself through. Again, there wasn’t necessarily one HUGE bad moment of the term, just a constant lingering stress that followed me wherever I went.
Thinking about the question again, I finally thought of a particularly happy moment — arriving at the winter retreat for a day trip. After a cRaZy Uber ride there, as soon as I opened the door to the hall where everyone was seated eating breakfast, I just felt so happy. I don’t know how else to describe it, I was just happy. I felt like a hyper and excited kid, seeing everyone and getting to talk to my friends.
Yeah. I think that was my happiest moment of the term. Praise God.
He cooks, and He provides
Despite the amount of stress I had put myself through the year, God opened up a path and slowly guided me out of those constant times of worrying. Although we cannot exactly predict how the rest of our years will go, and whether we face difficulties and struggles in our personal and spiritual lives, God will cook. Let Him cook. I am especially reminded of one of my favourite verses from Proverbs that shows how God will continue to guide us to where He wants us to be.
“To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue. All of a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your paths.”
— Proverbs 16:1–3 NIV
If you’ve gotten to this point, then yay! That means you were interested in reading :D I hope that wasn’t too long of a story and reflection dump from my first year at Waterloo. I am still learning to let God “cook” in the many different aspects of my life, and I hope He’ll continue to work in every one of us as we continue on in our respective lives while at Waterloo and CCF. You are very loved ^-^ Thanks for reading!! :3
A truly straight fire no cap year, am I right?
