Retreat Reflection: Answered Prayers & Moving Forward
Warning: I will be talking about sensitive topics. Please be cautious as you read this that there may be startling or triggering content.
Going into retreat there were two main things on my mind. The first is a situation that I was in. The second was the people whom I might be able to reach. For both, I was praying that God might work through me, and show me the way in which I could best serve others. Both prayers were fully answered over this retreat. I’ll start with the second one.
The People
There are so many people in CCF. It’s difficult to reach a lot of people, especially within such a short time frame such as university life. But God makes a way for you to reach the people you can most impact. One of my goals for retreat was to get to know people more deeply. I had been forming new friendships throughout the term, and was hoping to deepen the relationships that God placed in my life. One of the ways I hoped to do this was through year sharing. I planned to share one of the biggest stories of my life because I thought it might inspire and encourage others in a meaningful way.
The Story
At the beginning of university, I was in a bad place. I was so far from my loving creator, that I had abandoned any pursuit of Christ. As I fell in with the wrong crowd, I felt a little tug in my chest that what I was doing wasn’t good. I was sinning left and right, fully aware but still not caring enough to change my behaviour. I thought to myself that it didn’t matter as long as I believed in Christ. But deep down, I didn’t feel like I deserved to act in a way that was different from those around me. I felt as dirty and broken as them. But man, God did not leave me there. He pulled me out in the most wonderful way possible. I was sexually assaulted. I felt broken. Dirty. Unworthy of God’s love. Guilty.
Side Note: If you have ever experienced harm or sexual violence, please know, it is not your fault. No matter how guilty you might feel, know this. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or anyone else if you have experienced harm or sexual violence.
God’s Working
In my pain, I began to turn to Christ because it was instilled in me at a young age that He would always forgive me. But it was a struggle, because though I knew God forgave my sins, I couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t believe that I could be forgiven for what I’d done, because I didn’t believe I could ever forgive myself. I began to pursue Christ in every way I could, seeking to understand how He could possibly forgive me, or prove that I could be good and therefore deserving of His forgiveness. In my pursuit of Him, I began attending church regularly. I began attending fellowship regularly. In connecting with other Christians I learned the most valuable thing—that we are all broken. We are all sinners, unworthy of God’s love. All of us, guilty. But God loved us so much. Despite everything we’ve done to be undeserving, He still sent His Son to die for us, to take away our sins and make us holy and blameless in God’s sight. How awesome is our God that He would love us? And God feels the pain of our sin more than we do. He sees our darkest moments. He saw how broken I was, how I had turned away. But He still loved me so much that He pulled me out of that place in the only way drastic enough to truly change me. My life needed to be torn down so that I could build it back up again with the right foundation.
Side Note: By no means do I mean to say that those who have experienced harm or sexual violence are at fault or guilty because of what they have gone through. But in the end, we all fall short of the glory of God.
Year Sharing
After I shared this with my year, I knew that God had placed me there, with all my experiences, for a reason. The purpose was clear. In that moment, I was able to inspire others. A friend of mine pulled me aside afterward and shared with me that something similar had just happened to her. And I knew. She was why I was called to share my story. She was the reason God had placed me there. I had become friends with her over the past term, and I so clearly saw what God was doing. He had brought us together so that we may support each other in this season of our lives. He gave me wisdom and insight over this past year so that I could help her with her struggles. He is so amazing.
The “Situation”
So I had been getting to know someone this term. In the past few weeks, we had been struggling with what God wanted for the relationship. Friends? More? Less? We did not know. I valued our time together so much, but it was getting more and more confusing. I had confidence in the beginning that God was working in it. I thought I knew the direction I was supposed to go in. But over the week before retreat, I was losing certainty. How could I possibly think that I know what’s best for me? I had been ignoring the sinking feeling that the uncertainty that we both had was telling us it was not right to go into a relationship.
The Change
I realized over the weekend that I had been neglecting the other people in my life and my own mental health because I had been so focused on figuring out this “situation”. While I trust that all will work out in the end, that God is working for good, I now know that sitting in the place of confusion was hurting both of us. I needed to cut off communication. We should never make our lives all about another person except for Jesus Himself. God calls us to greater and bigger things in our lives. I couldn’t figure out how to be friends with this person while a relationship was still on the table. But I couldn’t take a relationship off the table while still talking to this person. This reality saddens my heart and makes me weep. I am afraid of losing someone who is important to me. But I would lose out on so much more if I continued down this road. I needed to take time without him and refocus my life. I have other people to serve and support. I have people to love and care for.
Takeaway
We so often find ourselves in these types of situations. Naturally, we want to find someone to share our lives with. In a Christian community, it is inevitable that we run into these situations with others in the fellowship. But I urge all of you to remember that we are not called to focus our lives on finding someone to marry. We are not called to love and serve just one person. We are called to model our lives after Christ. Our focus should be on how we serve His people, how we spread His message. A husband or wife should push you towards serving others. Your goal should not be “How can I love this one person?” but “How can my partner and I love others?” If you are so focused on your relationships or potential relationships that you disregard the people around you, if you ignore the people God has placed in your life to love because it isn’t romantic love, you are displeasing God. He created us to love. That love is so much greater, and bigger than we can fathom, and more than just romantic love. The love that He has given us was not meant for just a partner in marriage, or even for ourselves because it is uncontainable. God’s infinite love was not meant to just fill us up but to overflow outwards to the whole world through us as the body of Christ.
I have seen God work through me. I have learned how He wants me to serve. My prayers were answered, and I love God all the more.
