I did it. I’m finished with high school, and I’m moving on to another season. Kind of like a T.V. show, just a new season, a fresh beginning, a better and more expensive version than the last. Much more expensive. Now I’m moving out, temporarily, and have to figure out how to survive on my own.
I peered out the window as I got changed. This was the last time in a while I was going to see this neighbourhood again. I was anxious, but excited, like a little boy watching his father come back home for Christmas holding a parcel between his hands.
I checked my move-in time again just to make sure, although I’ve already rehearsed it in my head hundreds of times. September 2nd, 5–6 pm. I knew one of my roommates, but the other two, I haven’t met.
My head pressed against the window sill as we pulled up to MKV, staring up into a vast expanse of blue. I was still deep in thought, I hadn’t realized we had already arrived. I timidly stepped out of the car, and slowly wandered to the front desk to grab my key. After unpacking, we ate dinner, and said our final goodbyes. I waited until the car was out of sight, and slowly trudged back home, in the darkness of the night.
I sat down on my bed, and suddenly went back to what I was so eagerly thinking about on the journey here. Just a few months prior, I had been together with some friends from church. He was going to Western, the inferior school, but he mentioned a worry. A fear.
“I’m scared I’m going to lose the faith that I’ve built up over the last 18 years.”
Oh.
His words were ringing in my mind as I lay on my bed that night, mindlessly staring at the new, white dorm ceiling. A frown formed on my face. My faith hadn’t even been that strong up until this point — I was playing TETRIS® while listening to online church. “Is this where it dies?” I wondered, as I laid on what was becoming my faith’s deathbed.
I wasn’t planning on attending church, not in person at least, and attending online just meant more TETRIS®. I wasn’t thinking about going to CCF, maybe once a month or two, but I was going to be busy, right? I had barely been doing devotions already, but that was okay, I pray before I eat.
The next morning I filled out some forms, one for SG and one for DG, “perhaps that will provide some more incentive,” I thought to myself. Foolishly, I didn’t even know what I filled out, I just did them. New environment, new people, new everything. As I was trying to figure out where SLC was, I thought to myself, “what is it even like being in University? What does it mean when people say they ‘find themselves’?” Everything was pretty messy.
Orientation week came around pretty quickly and I felt it was a waste of time. I don’t enjoy being around large groups of people, especially when all they did were chants and dances. Was this really University? Feels more like grade 5 adventure camp to me.
Soon, classes began, and there were no more chants or dancing, thankfully, but things were moving. I’m excited, and probably one of the only people who enjoy going to class and learning new things. It wasn’t hard to adapt to, I always felt as though the larger classrooms would make it problematic, but at this size, no one even knows who you are, so it’s great.
Friday came along, and I trudged my way from dinner to RCH 101. Lots of people, very big crowd — I really hated that. To be quite frank, I don’t even remember what happened, wasn’t really my cup of tea. Everything just sort of felt bland as life continued. I hardly thought about faith, it wasn’t a major part of my life currently, I told myself. I needed to graduate, or at least pass first year.
It’s Monday! I check my phone and I have a message from a group chat for DG. Just as I finished up dinner, I left my dorm, the sky was a light shade of gray. As I kept walking, slow drips of rain began falling from the sky. I plodded along the sidewalk wearing just a t-shirt and a sweater. Cars drove by, splashing up small amounts of water, adding an occasional woosh as I quietly made my way across the street. If I had to walk all this way in the rain without an umbrella, this better be good, I thought.
I made it there, late. As soon as we began the “meeting” I felt something new. Something strange. Almost alien. Some people were so … passionate? I couldn’t think of the word. Everything felt so serious yet so welcoming. Why do some people have this drive? Christianity is great and all, but what was I missing? I want that. I WANT that.
Almost as if I got another eye, which I only have two, I start seeing this drive that other people have. As I slept that night, I thought back to the first night I was here. Scared of the faith I’ve built up over the past 18 years? I’ve barely built anything, but it was enough of a foundation for me to begin building. It slowly came to my mind that I just needed a personal relationship with Christ. It wasn’t just passion. It was an entire bouquet full of love, faith, joy, community, and most importantly, Christ.
School ended up being subpar, but my relationship with Christ was going through the roof. Everywhere I looked, it was so different than what I knew my faith to be. People were excited to go to Church. People were excited to do a Bible Study instead of some activity. People were excited to pray, to share, to serve, to worship, to give, to evangelize, and to learn. I didn’t just want that, I needed that.
Opportunities, they come and go, and you never know when it’s your last one. That rang in my head for a while, and with this, I came back in 1B, ready to do more, very excited for the new opportunities the Lord was going to provide for me, and I definitely went overboard.
I signed up for far more than I could handle, my schedule was always overloaded, and it was tough. I thought I knew what it meant to feel burnt out after 12th grade, but this was something different. The bonfire in my heart had not gone out, but my body had. I was sleeping late, getting up early, and eating 2 or 5 meals a day. In chemistry, entropy is a “measuredness” for the state of disorder and chaos, and if you calculated the entropy for my schedule and disciplines, it was probably spontaneous.
This is something I have yet to successfully address, and you can only learn as you walk in life, there’s no practice for it; yet, as long as the bonfire in my heart has not gone out, I will continue to be happy. I quietly lay in my bed, alone, my bags all packed, mindlessly staring at my old, white, dorm ceiling. A soft smile warmed my face, as I lay on the bed, now refuelled and reinvigorated with a Joy despite the uncertainty that is to come.
