Testimony — Keqiang Pan

Hello :) my name is Keqiang (Keq or Kachow) and I will be sharing my testimony in this blog.

Zero to Nine

I was born in China and while my parents studied abroad in France I was raised up as an atheist by my grandparents until I was 5 years old. However, after a miraculous recovery after a car accident, my dad was called into ministry. He picked me up from China and brought me to England where he began his study in theology. Times were rough back then: my dad was a student, my mom struggled to find a job due to the language barrier, and at our lowest point, my parents had only £20 in their bank accounts with still daily expenses to pay. Yet it was during this time when God’s love was first revealed to me, as I was often taken care of by aunties and uncles when my parents were working to make ends meet. I didn’t fully comprehend what exactly was happening, but my parents taught me the Lord’s prayer and brought me to church, and I was always grateful for the older brothers and sisters who took care of me.

Ten to Thirteen

After 4 years, my dad graduated and we moved to Montreal where he first came to preach. I was once again forced into a new environment where I not only had to learn the culture but the language as well. I was lost and felt lonely as my parents were constantly frustrated due to the pressure of ministry and making ends meet; I despised being at home. I went through a rebellious phase and was actually suspended on multiple occasions from stealing to fighting to swearing at teachers… which didn’t exactly help with my relationships with my parents. Although during this time I went to church, I was constantly upset with God and refused to talk to and spend time with Him. Church was just a social gathering for me where I can hang out with other kids, but I didn’t enjoy the reason which we go for, which was for God and God alone.

Fourteen to Eighteen

Not long after, my dad decided to get his master's in theology here at Tyndale. I started going to my current home church, North Toronto Chinese Alliance Church (NTCAC), and it was here where I once again experienced the true love of Christ. I attended Sunday service every single week but I refused to go to fellowship since I was still upset with God with the situation that he had put me in. However, one day my youth pastor saw me and asked me why I didn’t go to fellowship, and I gave him the white lie of “ Oh, I didn’t have a ride”. To my surprise, he said that he’ll drive me to and back from church every single Saturday night and Sunday morning. I was taken aback by the offer but I took it up and started to attend the fellowship. Immediately, upper years and adults that I had never met before would reach out to talk, pray, and care for me, although I was a complete stranger to them. God finally opened my blind eyes and stubborn heart to see Him for who He is, by providing me with a community that pointed towards Him. Not long after this, I was baptized in June of 2016.

Nineteen to Present

Coming into my first term of university, I was in a place of spiritual lukewarmness which had carried over from high school. Although the first month or two were fine, things gradually became worse, to a point where I needed God’s divine intervention. My academic performance along with my various friendships slowly deteriorated. Both CCF and Frosh Cell (first-year fellowship) were initially very intimidating, and I was also reluctant to go to church on Sunday mornings. I said that I was Christian, yet my life was no different than my secular roommates' lifestyles. I had not done devotionals in months and struggled with many sins that had taken over my life. I knew that I needed help, and when I prayed for it the Lord provided.

I joined a Discipleship Group where I was able to grow and walk alongside brothers who shared similar struggles, who understood me, but most importantly tried to keep me accountable for my actions in hopes that we could be further sanctified. They were able to encourage me to come out to CCF and meet more brothers and sisters in Christ. I found out that many people in my year were struggling with the same things and that I was not alone, and felt more at ease when hanging out with them. Then, I also saw upper years who genuinely loved Jesus, and served and loved him. They were generous with both their time and resources with everyone they talked to. They would reach out to me in their busy schedules just to pray and care for me. However, the most important part was that they loved and prioritized Jesus in their life, and it poured out into everything that they did. People were being what I thought was impossible as a student, a genuine follower of Christ. It was during this time where I experienced a huge growth spurt, both in transitioning my head knowledge of the Bible to real-life applications while also being convicted of my own shortcomings.

Although not long has passed since then, I am currently in my 3rd year and apparently Chair of CCF this term (XD moment). I’m still a troll most of the time, struggling with different idols in my life, truly loving my family and friends, and living out the gospel. I am like every single one of you, another sinner in God’s eyes. Yet there is now an undeniable truth in my life, that I proclaim Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior. That He came down to earth from heaven and was both fully God and Human. For some incomprehensible reason, He died on the cross for me and took away all my sin that was disgusting in his eyes, and He rose from the grave three days later having complete victory over death. Although I fall short from His glory every day, it is by His grace and His grace alone that I am still accepted into his kingdom. This truth which I have known for a long time has finally become real to me through the guidance of fellow believers, to pursue Jesus so that we can be sanctified further and to know and love him more. No matter how much “good” I do in my life, it will never grant me a spot in heaven. But giving control of my life over to God and serving Him faithfully is the only true way.

Exhortations

In conclusion, God has placed many difficulties in my life, some of them which I still struggle with to this day. Yet over the recent years, I have found valuable information which helped me grow tremendously, and thus I would like to end this blog with three exhortations. For those who have not heard of exhortations before, it isn’t something we should do out of obligation, but rather these are means for us to experience more of God’s grace. The more we live into the reality of God, the more we will realize the reason for our being, to live and serve our Lord.

SPEND TIME IN DEVOTIONS

A common struggle which I had for a long time was “How do I love God and know what he wants for me or wants me to do?”, and I think that question is rather simply explained. How do you love anyone? The answer might seem complicated, but it comes down to spending time to thoroughly understand who they are and this principle applies to friends, family, and even yourself. The first step to enjoying anyone’s presence is to understand and know what you are loving. Thus I strongly encourage all of you who want to grow spiritually to spend more time in devotion, to really unpack who He is, and what He desires for you.

“If God is the wiser than you can ever be, and if God loves you more than you could comprehend and he knows what will happen, why would you ever want to be in control of your life?” — Paul Washer

SPEND TIME IN PRAYER

A lot of times in the past I would feel that I was unworthy of God’s love, and that I can never overcome any sins. The lesson that I have learnt is that the statement I just said is true. We are all unworthy of God’s love and can never overcome our sins fully alone, and that is the part of the beauty of grace that we believe in. Thus we need to be bold in our prayers to pray more than just materialistic things such as school and coop. Yes, these things are important but without a life centred around prayer, pride and our own ego will slowly creep up on us. We need to pray for sanctification and hold God accountable to his promises in the Bible. And when these things do go our way, thank the Lord with humility in our prayer.

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” — Romans 12:12

SPEND TIME WITH OTHER BELIEVERS

As Christians, we are at the centre of ongoing spiritual warfare. We are fighting this war for God, but one of the most effective weapons he has given us is fellow believers. We must be there for each other and make disciples of each other. I strongly encourage everyone to spend time being intentional with each other, to keep each other accountable for their actions. Rather than talking about school or the most recent news, ask “How can I pray for you?” or simply “How are you really doing?” Everyone wants to have an intentional fellowship, where we can make vulnerable friends who will point us in the right direction. However, it starts with you! So be the change that you want to see :)! Finally, G O T O C H U R C H P L E A S E! Again for the millionth time CCF is NOT a church. Most of us are just as confused as you are regarding different truths in the Bible. Thus going to church and being mentored by mature believers is strongly encouraged for spiritual growth.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” — James 5:16