Introduction
This is my testimony explaining how God has worked throughout my life and also how I came to God. It is not easy for me to share this, so I have been praying that whatever I say in this testimony is fruitful and holy in God’s name. I apologize if it is very long but I hope you find this encouraging and insightful as there are many things that I have dealt to be the person that I am.
Family Background
I was not born in a Christian family. Born in Hong Kong, my parents were atheists and believed that in order to be successful, I must work hard and focus on academic studies before anything else. My cousins on my dad’s side were either working full time jobs or busy with their families, so I never had the chance to get to know them at a personal level or even remember how they look like. My cousins on my mom’s side were often busy with their academic studies or living in China, so I never had the opportunity to build a relationship with them. My grandparents on my mom’s side passed away before I was born, so I never had the chance to see or know them. My grandparents on my dad’s side were acting in a traditional Chinese lifestyle. They constantly bow down to Buddha and were unwilling to help babysit me when both of my parents were working. So my parents decided to hire a Philippine babysitter to take care of me as I was only several months old. However, through a hidden video camera, they came to the realization that they left me unattended, so they fired the Philippine babysitter and eventually, my uncle on my mom’s side were willing to take care of me. However, it was not easy for them because during that time, I always kept crying, creating a difficult moment for my relatives. That’s when my family started to find something strange about me.
Moving to Canada
When I was one and a half years old, my parents decided to move to Mississauga. This transition was not easy for me as I am not the person who can easily adapt to a new environment. I would be placed into a daycare when my parents were trying to find a job and I would cry 24/7. It got to the point, where my parents had to go to the neurological doctor and diagnosed me with mild autism. I was always speechless and never really interacted with anybody, which is a big problem in my toddler years. So I didn’t really learn anything at daycare. Meanwhile, my father faced a tough time trying to find a job in Canada, so my mother decided to help my father out. Eventually, my mother was able to get a job in Canada, so I felt thankful for that as my family was losing money. A year after my parents moved to Canada, my father finally found a job and that’s when my mother decided to quit from her job to take care of my sister that was born.
Early Childhood
It was not easy after my sister was introduced into my family. I remember my father going to work at like 9 AM and coming back to home at around 8 PM to 9 PM. My mother was trying to nurture my sister but was often unsuccessful in doing so as my sister was unwilling to eat, drink or sleep. On the other hand, I was still undergoing speech problems and didn’t speak my first word until 4 years old. So my family was constantly facing many problems and we just continue to work hard so that eventually, we would get to a desirable lifestyle. It wasn’t until my father had enough of travelling long distances that we moved from Mississauga to an apartment close to Thornhill Community Center. At this time, I had to transition between daycare and Chinese school, which was not easy for me. I would often get yelled by my Chinese teachers for not participating in class, for not performing dances during Christmas and for speaking English during Chinese classes. As a result, I got time-outs and physical abuse from my Chinese teachers.
Big Incident Part I
During the time that I was struggling in Chinese school, my sister suddenly was unconscious. My parents were devastated and so we went to North York General Hospital to see what’s wrong with her. I remember that my parents woke me up at like 5 AM in the morning and dragged me with them to the hospital. At that time, I was kind of tired, so I wasn’t really focused as to what exactly happened. However, one thing that I do remember is when my parents had to deal with my sister passing away without any relatives or friends. As a 4-year old child, I was very lost and didn’t know what to do.
“Why did this happen to my family? What’s my purpose in being on Earth?” I thought.
I didn’t weep, cry or say anything comforting because I did not have any emotional feelings. In fact, I started having doubts as to whether I could become a normal child as I had trouble caring/grieving.
Transitioning to Elementary School
Because of big incident part I, my parents decided to move to Markham in order to forget the devastating moment that has happened in our life. I continued to struggle going to Chinese School as my speech development is slow compared to other kindergartens and I would be unwilling to attend some activities that Chinese teachers force me to participate. Eventually, I graduated, which was great in terms of getting out of the torturous moments with my Chinese teacher but not great in terms of transitioning into an elementary school.
Going into elementary school, I had mixed thoughts. I was nervous because I don’t feel comfortable talking to people but at the same time, I was curious because I didn’t know what type of environment I would be adapting to. So I decided to step into the classroom for the first time and that’s when my teacher welcomed me into her class. At that moment, I felt not as scared as what happened to me in Chinese School as I didn’t get beat up or yelled at. Things were looking solid as my mom asked me during her pregnancy:
“Do you want a brother or a sister as your sibling?”
I requested having a brother because I didn’t want depressing memories to come back to me. It turned out that through God’s will, my mom gave birth to a brother and that’s when me and my mother decided to go to Church on every Sunday. However, my father was unwilling to attend as he believed that manpower’s work is greater over everything else. So from this day, I was excited to have another sibling.
Grade 1
To be honest, going to church does not make your life any better. My academic performance in Grade 1 is not up to standards. I would be getting 10 Cs and 4 Bs whereas other normal students would be getting half As and half Bs. When my parents saw how bad my report card is, they yelled at me and made me suffer a 4 hour tutor with my mom everyday non-stop. I often hated it because I never liked sitting for long hours and I often get yelled for not answering my mom’s questions correctly, resulting in a negative criticism that is always at the back of my mind:
“If you don’t get good grades, you will never get a job.”
The worst part is that I have to read the book out loud and decipher what some words mean. I would often lose focus and felt like falling asleep, so that was just one of my problems that has lasted for the rest of my elementary school life.
Grade 1: Big Incident Part II
As I was struggling in maintaining appropriate academic performance, I performed one of the biggest sins in my life. There was a moment during physical education class, where I was interested in learning how to jump rope and so I wanted to get a jumping rope from my classmate so that I could try it out. However, my classmate was selfish and was unwilling to lend me the jump rope. Because I did not like her response and the lack of speech development, I got back to class and used a chair to hit her, causing the teacher to send me to the principal’s office. I felt so guilty because I never liked going to the principal’s office and truth be told, I felt grateful that God worked through the principal to give me a second chance. I was so shocked because I thought I was going to get suspended or get expelled from school but rather, I just a warning and that reinforced me to never use violence in my life ever again. Even though I went to church during this time, I didn’t really take my faith seriously and I just went to church as a daily routine. So I didn’t really have a pleasant time in Grade 1 as there were many different things going on in my life.
Grade 5: Big Incident Part III
As I continued to study at Elementary School, my academic performance was improving. I stopped getting Cs in my report card and started getting As and Bs, which I am very grateful for. However, I was often looked down upon my parents because they think my brother was much smarter than me. He learned to speak when he was 1 to 2 years old and he already knows his addition and subtraction when he was like 3 years old. Not only was he smarter, he impressed a lot of people by singing some nursery rhymes and made many friends at church. Consequently, a lot of church people were impressed in what he’s achieving and often took a grudge against me. So I often thought about these questions as both of my parents, my brother and my relatives learns fast but I learn the slowest:
“When would I be smarter? Why does the youngest sibling gets favored even though the oldest sibling did the most work? Why did God create me so different from other people?”
It wasn’t until big incident part II that changed our family. My brother suddenly had an epileptic seizure at church and my mom was freaking out. She was constantly calling my brother, hoping to wake him up but it didn’t happen. A lot of other people came to see what’s going on but only a few were helpful by calling the ambulance and comforting my mom. At that moment, I was so lost. I didn’t know what to do nor what’s going to happen next. Although I was lost, I felt very thankful that an auntie took the time and dedication to pray for my family. After several minutes later, the ambulance came and tried to do first aid on my brother. During this time, we just kept praying and hoping that he would wake up. Eventually after an hour, he woke up but had to go to the hospital to be checked out. So my mom went on the ambulance with my brother to see what is wrong with my brother. My father did not attend Church on that day and so my mom called my father to go to the hospital as well to check up on my brother. Meanwhile, I was grateful to have other brothers and sisters from my home church to babysit me. Although they were very passionate in giving me a new home and helping me to continue succeeding in elementary school, I still had doubts about my faith. Why is my life like a roller coaster ride? Is my brother going to experience the same thing as what my sister experienced? Like these questions keep coming back to me and I honestly don’t know the answer to them. But God has his plan and I just accepted it because I know he is doing what’s best for my family. One thing that spoke to me during the time that my parents were in the hospital was when my father decided to accept Jesus into his life and went to Church. I was so shocked and joyful at the same time because during my first four years of attending church, I tried convincing my father to go to church but he wouldn’t listen. But now, both of my parents are baptized and are serving in the Children Ministry and the Cantonese Ministry, which is something that I thank God for.
After 3 months later, my brother got discharged from the hospital after having multiple seizures and you may think that it just stops there. However, I realized that he became a different person than what he was originally. He started misbehaving during different instances for no reasons and he would learn even slower than me. From this experience, I had different emotions in my head. In explicit terms, I felt very annoyed and frustrated because we never get along ever since Grade 5. Not only could I not get along, my parents couldn’t deal with him at times, resulting in an aggressive household. My parents would often argue upon what to do when dealing with my brother and my brother would fuss to my parents about the littlest things, like changing wet pants, playing games with him and even requesting on who sits beside him at a restaurant. In implicit terms, I felt bad because he has been experiencing this long-term illness for 8 years and I cannot fully understand how it can manipulate his entire life. Even if you try to ask him, he does not know the answer to it. But at the same time, God has his own reason for what he does and my job is to accept it and move forward from there, which is not easy because it is still happening.
Grade 6 to Grade 8
During my final years in elementary school, there were some highs and some lows. Some of the highs that have occurred throughout this time involved achieving first place in many track events, achieving best overall chess results as a school and achieving physical education awards. This is all due to God’s glory and I definitely appreciated how he worked through these two years to realize my talents. However, some downs that have occurred through this time involved getting a bad English mark during Grade 6 and having a difficult time at my badminton club.
Getting a bad English mark was a pain for me to see because English is one of the courses that I continue to struggle with throughout my studies. I never enjoyed it and the fact that I got a C for English reminded me about the horrible memories in Grade 1. As a result, I wept in class because I was questioning whether I would be successful. Through prayer and perseverance, I was glad that my English mark improved over that year and I am thankful for that. But that was not the only problem.
For those who don’t know me well enough, I started dedicating my time in badminton when I was in Grade 6. I remember that when I first joined the club called Suria, I would often get muscle cramps on my hamstring muscles, my quadriceps muscles, my butt muscles and my chest muscles. Because of this, I was questioning whether it is worth to dedicate my time in group lessons and in team training. And this is not the only problem. The coaches and some other athletes will often make fun of my “badminton” form, my speech and the way I train on the court. I felt like I didn’t belong here and there were times, where I questioned:
“Should I continue to train? Why is everybody developing friendship circles when I would be the one speechless and awkward? Why did I get into the most trouble?”
During the times that these questions were addressed, I didn’t really know the answer to it and so I just continued training, hoping that an answer will come up.
In terms of my spiritual walk with God, I still continued treating church as a daily routine and didn’t really dig deeper. I would just sing because other people are singing and I would just listen because other people would listen. Even though I went to Teens Conference in Grade 8 for the first time, I didn’t really find anything special, so I just went there to explore the events, the routines and their sermons.
This is just Part I of my testimony. Stay tuned for Part II.
-Ryan Chan
