Yet Not I But Through Christ In Me

The place where I broke down. (Thank you Ryan Chan for helping take this photo!)

As I walked back home in the dark and bitter cold, I could only but cry out to God, while attempting to sing praises to Him…

What I am about to share with you isn’t a recent occurrence, but rather, one that happened four years ago around this time. I’ve never shared this with anyone before. But seeing that I’m coming to the end of my schooling here in Waterloo, I figured I’d share it as an encouragement.

To give some context, this was the beginning of my undergraduate program at the University of Waterloo. I just started my first term (dubbed “1A”) in computer engineering. For those who aren’t quite familiar with Waterloo and its engineering programs, well… they’re hard. It takes a certain kind of person to go through the brutal (nearly) five year trial — a person with grit (linked is a video that we were shown in one of our classes). The thing with many of the programs at Waterloo is that not only are students juggling courses, but they’re also searching for their co-op placements, doing interviews and looking for housing for their next term. Most of the time, this is a four-month cycle. So we’re often just grinding away these things (on top of trying to simply have a life outside of school/work). With some particular programs (all engineering programs come to mind), they’re run in cohorts. This means that you get to be with the same group of people throughout your undergrad. But that also means that courses are only offered (essentially) once a year. So failing the term (almost always) sets you back one full year.

Four years ago, during the months of October and November, I felt like I had finally established some sort of rhythm. Even though I was searching for my first co-op (since the start of school…💀), and was barely scraping by with coursework (with at least one quiz every day distributed across all courses), I somehow managed. Even though it was tough and took hard work, I was quite okay with things.

The one thing that slowly got on my nerves as November came to a close was the job search. I knew it was going to be hard, since I was a first year. But I was secretly expecting to find a job pretty quickly, since I had decent interview skills and volunteered a lot at various places.

During that same week, I had a really hard time grasping some concepts in my calculus course, and that was reflected in one of my quizzes. On that unfortunate evening, I was studying physics with a friend at their place, in preparation for our quiz the next day. The physics topics were slowly ramping up in difficulty. By the end of the night, I was so mentally exhausted, that I decided to call it quits and head back home.

With all the dizzying thoughts of job search, not understanding my calculus course material, frying my brain in worrying about the next day’s physics quiz, my emotions were slowly building up. I began to question my purpose at UW. I started to doubt if I was in the wrong program entirely — this was especially tough as I had considered some sort of ministry pathway. On the walk back, with CityAlight’s Yet Not I But Through Christ In Me playing in my earphones, I finally broke down.

What gift of grace is Jesus my redeemer
There is no more for heaven now to give
He is my joy, my righteousness, and freedom
My steadfast love, my deep and boundless peace

To this I hold, my hope is only Jesus
For my life is wholly bound to His
Oh how strange and divine, I can sing, “All is mine”
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

The night is dark but I am not forsaken
For by my side, the Saviour He will stay
I labour on in weakness and rejoicing
For in my need, His power is displayed

To this I hold, my Shepherd will defend me
Through the deepest valley He will lead
Oh the night has been won, and I shall overcome
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

No fate I dread, I know I am forgiven
The future sure, the price it has been paid
For Jesus bled and suffered for my pardon
And He was raised to overthrow the grave

To this I hold, my sin has been defeated
Jesus now and ever is my plea
Oh the chains are released, I can sing, “I am free”
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

With every breath I long to follow Jesus
For He has said that He will bring me home
And day by day I know He will renew me
Until I stand with joy before the throne

To this I hold, my hope is only Jesus
All the glory evermore to Him
When the race is complete, still my lips shall repeat
Yet not I, but through Christ in me

This song was both my outward praise of God, as well as my inner groanings. I was cornered and had no other choice but to go upwards and cry out to God. The lyrics reminded me of my ultimate hope: Christ Himself. And so I cried. I cried out to God for strength to glorify Him, for constant reminders of His sovereignty, might, and power over all things in this world (including me), for a renewed conviction of sin that was my wandering heart and an even greater joy for Christ’s victory over sin and death.

Four years later, I find myself in this familiar place that is the unknown. I don’t know what will happen once I graduate. But I know from experience, that though the night be dark, I am not forsaken by my LORD. And so I will continue to sing and cry out to God in my time of waiting.

To the first years, especially those in a similar situation (shoutout to all the stream 4 engineers 😩✊), I’d encourage you to cry out and sing praises to Him who sits on the throne! Wrap yourselves with constant praises of God! If you think about it, if you are constantly praising God, you aren’t too far from heaven!

[…] day and night they never cease to say, “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” (Revelation 4:8b, ESV)

[…] They cast their crowns before the throne, saying, “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.” (Revelation 4:10b–11, ESV)

And they sang a new song, saying, “Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God, and they shall reign on the earth.” (Revelation 5:9–10, ESV)

Then I looked, and I heard around the throne and the living creatures and the elders the voice of many angels, numbering myriads of myriads and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!” (Revelation 5:11–12, ESV)

And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!” And the four living creatures said, “Amen!” and the elders fell down and worshiped. (Revelation 5:13–14, ESV)

Sing on, fellow afflicted saint.