To the Person I Hurt Because of My Borderline Personality Disorder

To the person I hurt because of my borderline personality disorder,

It has been a little over two years since we broke up, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about you — and how I treated you. After having worked on my mental health for the past two years, I am so much healthier and able to see how much I hurt you. I was so unhealthy when we were together, and you tried so hard to urge me to get help, but I simply didn’t know how. For that, I am so sorry.

I am not using my borderline personality disorder (BPD) as an excuse, so please don’t take this that way. I am only trying to explain what I was going through and how unhealthy I was. I know my actions seemed manipulative, and you didn’t deserve to be on the other side of my fury. At the time, I didn’t know I had BPD. I didn’t understand what was going on with my strong emotions and impulsive actions. In hindsight, I can’t help but flinch at how I acted, and my regret runs deep.

In no way am I 100% healthy, and I still struggle each day to manage my strong emotions, impulsive actions, and behaviors that can be seen as manipulative, even though that has never been my intention. The pain I experienced during our breakup was unbearable, and I didn’t know how to process those emotions other than to direct my pain at you. You did not deserve this, and I am forever sorry for how I hurt you.

Being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder has been a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it has helped me to understand why I act the way I do sometimes, and it has allowed me to seek help and work on my responses. But on the other hand, it has also shown me how much I have hurt the people in my life, and the pain that I have caused. I can’t change how I have acted, but I can move forward and work on being better in the future.

I haven’t talked to or seen you in two years, but I wish you nothing but the best and I send you good thoughts every day. I am thankful for the time we had together, and for your trying to get me help. You helped me to see how unhealthy I was and how much work I needed to do on myself. My actions may haunt me, but they have also helped me to learn I needed help, and they have allowed me to use my experiences to help others. No one is perfect, and I can only hope to be better today than I was yesterday. But I will still regret the pain I caused you for the rest of my life.

A diagnosis is not an excuse for behavior, and I know that more than anybody. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I do hope you have been able to heal. You deserve happiness, and I only wish you and your family the best.

Having borderline personality disorder is scary, because I don’t know how I will feel day to day. But I am getting better at managing my symptoms, and I hope in the future I will continue to grow and manage my symptoms better. My work on myself is by no means done, and I am still committed to work on myself and my behaviors through therapy.

I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope maybe someday you will read this. And if you do, I want to thank you for your time. I hope that you are doing well.

Originally published at https://themighty.com.

--

--

--

In our capitalist society, work and the ability to be productive are valued above anything else. But what about those of us who live with chronic illness and whose struggles are unseen or unvalued? This is a place for you to find connection, validation, and unwind. I see you.

Recommended from Medium

The Early Warning Signs of Schizophrenia I Wish I Had Known

Birthdays & Breathwork.

How to Help Yourself When You’re Depressed

Just Hanging Out, Until Something Changed

ENFP journey to and through the shadow self.

Healthynox — the digital Mental Health Platform

The collision between stigma and anti-stigma of depression in Chinese culture

You’re gonna «shit your pants». Here’s why

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Ashley Nestler, MSW

Ashley Nestler, MSW

Mental Health Specialist, Author, Empowerment Coach, and Bibliotherapist. Creator of The Ignite and Rise Academy and Releasing the Phoenix

More from Medium

How does one grieve a life they’re still living?

Fake It Till You Make It: Worn-out Aphorism or Solid Advice?

I journaled 150 thousand words in 6 months to discover myself

Turkey kielbasa and spinach quiche and Literary Therapy for Black Joy