A Dominatrix’s Review of Designer Chairs
Iconic and luxury furniture ranked by conduciveness to oral sex
Dominatrixes have quite the earned reputation for being connoisseurs of the finer things in life, with tastes in sexually-utilitarian furniture being no exception. As a domme who also appreciates a good value, I want to save you the trouble of perhaps accidentally dropping the equivalent of the cost of a used car on a designer piece that will not be at all useful for giving or receiving oral pleasure. These are practical considerations, to be sure.
Below are my ratings for designer and luxury seating in which I have personally enjoyed oral service. I’ve picked all black leather sample photos so that one can make as comparable an assessment of their aesthetics as possible (and because leather is pretty easy to wipe off.)
Egg Chair
Designer: Arne Jacobsen, 1958
Danish designer Arne Jacobsen originally created this piece for the for the reception areas in the Royal Hotel in Copenhagen, and it behooves us to start our reviews with what might just be the most recognizable chair across pop culture. I myself enjoyed this particular model in one unnamed VC firm’s office with a submissive who was both impulsive and busy, a combination that resulted in clearly unwise work/life balance choices but good opportunities to break in a midcentury icon.
The angle and height of the seat of the Egg is not exactly quite right for all but the tallest of partners to service from all fours in front of it, and it’s just low enough that a partner sitting up on two knees will likely strain their neck leaning down. We resolved the height mismatch issue with a throw pillow under my butt, and taking advantage of the lovely sloped arm design for maximum leg-spreadability (technical furniture term). Having a full backrest with head support goes a long way for recipient enjoyment, which we all know in my choice of extracurriculars is a paramount consideration.
Price: $15,013.00 in leather, $7,500.00 if you go with fabric, you cheapskate.
Design rating: 4/5
Oral Service Rating: 3/5
Overall Rating: 3/5 tongue emojis
The Le Corbusier Chair:
Designer: Le Corbusier (born Charles-Edouard Jeanneret-Gris), Pierre Jeanneret, and Charlotte Perriand, 1923.
As the collaboration between 3 talented French designers, and the seating of preference of the late Steve Jobs, one might have high oral hopes for a chair favored by Silicon Valley’s own pioneer of functional yet beautiful lifestyle objects. Referred to as “cushion baskets,” (doesn’t that even sound like a genital euphemism?) the L2 and L3 chair collections were designed as a modernist response to the traditional club chair.
My sub and I got a chance to test this one out, albeit the slightly more narrow L2 version, at a fine luxury hotel in Vancouver. The seat itself is comfortable but there’s no way one could get much leg spread action with the high, square arms in the way. I did however enjoy just throwing my legs all the way up on the armrests, thus aligning all the other necessaries for the party on all fours on the floor. I certainly enjoyed myself, but I imagine leg-spread is less of an issue with the wider L3 favored by Steve.
Price: $5,870.00, or about 9 iPhone 7s.
Design Rating: 4/5
Oral Service Rating: 5/5, though the L3 is still on my To-Sit List.
Overall Rating: 4/5 tongue emojis
Togo Sofa
Designer: Michel Ducaroy, 1973
French designer Michel Ducaroy’s Togo stands as a sort of 1970s testament to consumer endurance of 40+ years of really trying to make this overpriced bean bag chair aesthetic happen. The Togo is not just one kind of sofa but more of an entire line that comes in a variety of configurations. To their credit they are very comfortable for sitting as I found out from frequenting a sectional set in the home of a sub I dated for a few months in New York.
For oral though I can now safely say I’d pass. The models mostly make you sit very upright, and the entire couch itself is so low to the floor that if you’re facing front and your person has nothing to lay on, the angles are just kind of all wrong. You could lay laterally, but in practice the butt-divots (another technical furniture term) are kind of unidirectional and probably work for only two exactly correctly-sized humans. This is not a frustration I feel I should have to deal with for a sofa this expensive.
Price: just a loveseat is $4,000.00, full sectional set can run $12,000.00 or more depending on customization options.
Design Rating: 3/5, the wrinkles give one the inescapable, unnerving sensation of being fucked on a caterpillar.
Oral Service Rating: 1/5
Overall Rating: 2/5 tongue emojis
Magis One Chair
Designer: Konstantin Grcic, 2003
German designer Grcic worked with Magis to create a chair that not only used 3D modeling to marry modern geometric and organics-inspired design, but also is completely die-cast in powder-coated aluminum, not a technique you usually see for whole pieces. The materials and silhouette create a smooth finish that feels fabulous to the touch and makes for a really sturdy, fucking sexy chair.
While the thoughtfully ergonomic butt-cradling supports of the seat and back are great for bondage, it’s actually not all that great for oral. Being more at the angle of a dining chair than a lounger, all the bits of the seated party are generally too tucked out of the way to really get at properly. Mine is from one of Uber’s old conference rooms, so I like to imagine that even if I’m unable to be pleasured, at the very least there’s some amount of villainous world-dominating evil I get to absorb from sitting on it.
Price: $1030.00
Design Rating: 5/5, it’s stunning, and it’s stackable!
Oral Service Rating: 1/5
Overall Rating: 2/5 tongue emojis, but I love it anyway.
Wassily Chair
Designer: Marcel Breuer, 1925
Also known as the Model B3 chair, designer Marcel Breuer’s Wassily chair was born out of the Bauhaus art school in Germany, inspired by bicycle construction and fabricated using the techniques of local plumbers. One of my high school boyfriends had an artsy-fartsy dad who was cool in the 1970s or something and he had a pair of these in his finished basement. We experimented on them as teenagers do, and I think my most vivid memories of this piece are staring at the basement’s oak-paneled walls and counting down to when I could get out of it.
Absolutely nothing about this chair works: the seat spread is too narrow and the armrests way too close together. If you try to put your legs over the arms, you can enjoy the thin leather straps digging in to your thighs and cutting off circulation inside of a few minutes. It looks like it would be fun to try as a bondage piece I guess, but as a top who is not a masochist, I won’t be trying to use it to seat myself again.
Price: $2,123.00
Design Rating: 2/5, I kind of hate it?
Oral Service Rating: 1/5
Overall Rating: 1/5 tongue emojis, fuck this chair.
Eames Lounge Chair
Designer: Charles and Ray Eames, 1956
Husband and wife American design team Charles and Ray Eames joined forces to create this iconic midcentury beauty, and it would take years of further development before its final release to retail in 1956. I can now safely say that it probably took so long to go to market because Charles and Ray took their sweet time getting busy with each other all over this thing; its oral ergonomics have clearly been honed to perfection.
For one thing, every angle of the chair feels designed for the receiving party to have an optimal “lay back and enjoy the show” experience. The seat-height and pitch easily and comfortably tilt the hips upward. This means the giving partner can either have everything correctly lined up while on all fours in front of the chair, or enjoy the cozy support of laying across a wide ottoman that feels like a hug. The Eames Lounge Chair has earned its hype through an unparalleled design-commitment to the enjoyment of oral sex, and you better believe there is one in my living room.
Price: $5,885.00 (cough cough, quality $650 replicas also exist, cough)
Design Rating: 5/5
Oral Service Rating: 5/5
Overall Rating: 5/5 tongue emojis, and the Domme Seal of Approval
So there you have it. Next time you decide to drop by your local “costs even more than a month of San Francisco rent” furniture purveyor, you’ll be able to impress them, if not inadvisably sexually-harass them, with your tastes as a discerning and orally-fixated customer.
Special thanks to my submissive and his contributed expertise in both product design principles, and… um, rigorous consumer testing.
