What to Wear Your First Time at a Sex Dungeon:
It’s an exciting day for you, your friend that you suspected was always into some freaky shit finally invites you along to one of their super secret crazy sex parties at a dungeon, but the invite has no dress code!
You are now sweating in front of the mirror trying to decide what to put on and are concerned that the ensuing humiliation of choosing wrong may embarrass you to the point of actual re-virginization. Well rest easy my new friend, because I am here to help you Dress For Success.
What Not to Wear to a Sex Club or Dungeon:
1. Pants that say “I don’t give a shit.”
That’s right, please leave the cargo shorts, jorts and ill-fitting dad jeans at home. Pants are the window to the junk/soul and a very dark pair of jeans or slacks are always a better bet if you don’t have any leathers or anything.
Hell, I have been going to dungeons for about 10 years and I still have never seen one pair of assless chaps in person. So if you’ve got some floating around from that time you bought a motorcycle with your signing bonus and rode it for a month before falling over and selling it, break those out too.
2. A sports jersey
Notable exceptions: a sports themed party. These don’t happen very often and they more typically will involve jock straps and tube socks, so please don’t hold your breath.
Anyway sports jerseys tend to come across as “I grabbed the thing that smelled the most ok on my laundry pile and then rolled out the door.” I know you like hockey, but there is very little hockey roleplay in kink in general and you are at the very least unlikely to find a nice young lady on your first night who likes to be paddled with a hockey stick, so please leave the Sharks jersey at home.
3. Sunglasses indoors/anything that blocks your eyes
Dungeons and sex clubs are very trust-focused spaces and being unable to see someone’s eyes makes one look like every Tinder profile I swipe left on. This is not the Matrix and you look like you’re gonna murder someone. The whole indoor sunglasses thing is not any more acceptable in a dungeon than it is in a nightclub.
Also it’s probably dark in there and you’re gonna end up stepping on someone without asking if it’s ok first. Leave the Oakleys in the car. Do NOT wear them on the back of your head like Guy Fieri unless the theme is Dungeons, Drive-ins & Dives and I am paddling you with a spatula.
4. Any toy that you just stand around slapping on your hand like a jackass
Hoo boy here we go. I don’t know what it is lately that people have decided to take flagging as dominant to the next level where they not only wear an impact toy on their belt like a flogger, riding crop, paddle, whatever, but actually walk around slapping it on one hand like, “Aw yeah who’s next? Any takers?”
There are no takers, none, because you are trying to look so True Dom intense that you instead have intensely-need-to-poop face. Also unless you are tenderizing your hand for jerking off later you’re just wasting energy and hurting my ears.
5. A Utili-kilt with New Balance sneakers
I am not gonna sit on my high horse and claim that all utili-kilts are the devil. In fact I am sure that they are quite comfortable for riding horses of all heights. I’ve also seen people put together some pretty cool period-inspired outfits that incorporate a utili-kilt so whatever pack on your favorite tartan and have at it.
However if you’re pairing it with sneakers and especially with white sneakers and athletic socks, you have to be aware of how that says “I am unable to execute on a complete thought/and/or google an aesthetically decent pair of orthopedic shoes.” On the Give-A-Shit scale this ranks somewhere near the bottom, as not only do you not even lazily match but you look like any minute you are about to tip your fedora at me while I scream internally.
Ok Bossy Lady what do I wear then?
I’m not gonna leave you hanging though, not without consent anyway (har har.) So here are five things you really should wear if you wanna make a satisfactory impression.
What to Wear at a Sex Club or Dungeon:
1. Dress to Impress
This is NEVER a bad option no matter if the party has a theme or not. And this can be whatever that means to you, a blazer, a nice dress, a collared shirt, something you’d wear on a slightly fancy date. It says to a potential partner: I am capable of bathing and therefore meet 1 of a few critical requirements for sexual activities with other people.
2. All black everything
“But wait!” you whine, “I cannot afford to wear something nice!” “Dungeon black” is a default alternative for nearly all party dress codes. Organizers of these spaces and parties list black clothes as acceptable because pretty much everyone has something black in their wardrobe, throw it on and you’re good to go.
You can even stop by a goth club after you’re done and fit right in as the crowd sings along to The Cure. Look at all these favors I’m doing for you.
3. Your underwear
Get your Risky Business on and just show up in a favorite pair of underwear, bra/underwear set, lingerie, whathaveyou. They don’t even have to be your underwear per say, just make sure the person you got them from knows you’re borrowing them and that they’re clean.
Underwear of all kinds and improvised garments (harnesses, loincloths, whatever!) are all welcome too. There are even underwear enthusiasts who will give you mad props for showing up in something cool like a pair of Spring ‘08–09 Guccis or your favorite Batman boxer briefs.
4. A smile
That’s right, nude is A-OK. Just ask a guy that we all lovingly call Naked Greg. Naked Greg is everyone’s friend. You walk in to the dungeon, and you know Naked Greg is gonna walk up and give you a firm handshake and say “Hey guys, great to see you!” while you keep your eyes above nipple-height and tell him it’s nice to see him too.
And he means it, because Naked Greg’s great attitude is all the coverage he needs for the night. Be like Naked Greg.
5. Protection
WEAR CONDOMS THIS IS AN ALLCAPS SITUATION. Jesus tap-dancing Christ I have seen a lot of uncovered situations in the parties as of late and that is not ok. Even if your partner and you fly condomless and fancy-free at home, for the sake of all attendees please wrangle your junk and related bodily fluids into one of the condoms conveniently placed in heaping bowls around the room. This has been a Public Service Announcement.
There you go, I can tell you’re looking smart and ready to meet new people, and maybe even let one of them tie you to something interesting.
Now all you’ll have to worry about tonight is your social anxiety. Happy slapping!
