Grant Gulovsen 高伟明
Apr 10 · 5 min read
TRON Foundation Founder and CEO Justin Sun (l) and Binance Founder and CEO Changpeng Zhao (r) celebrating last year after receiving honorary degrees from l’Institut d’information asymétrique de Lyon, France

Somewhere that is definitely not in China, April 9, 2019 — Binance, one of the world’s largest and most notorious cryptocurrency exchanges, has announced the latest iteration of the crowdfunded cryptographic token sale, coined the “Changpeng Zhao Offering.” Named after its globetrotting, authority-dodging, media-savvy front man, Binance’s “CZO” is being variously compared to “an ICO on ‘arnolds,’ bruh” (by “crypto bros,” typically in between sets), “the most brilliant fundraising strategy developed by the most ingenious @cz_binance” (by anyone trying to get their sh*tcoins listed on Binance via Twitter), and “the ultimate ‘mega evolution’ in ‘Tokémon!’ Get it?! ‘To-ké-mon?!’ Bwahahaha!” (by … who the f*ck even cares who said it?)

Scammy crypto fundraising methods depicted as Pokémon. We think it’s a safe bet to assume the big angry-looking one is supposed to be the “CZO.” Like it even matters. Do people actually still play this game? Images © 2019 Pokémon. © 1995 — 2019 Nintendo/Creatures Inc./GAME FREAK inc. used without specific permission pursuant to the fair use doctrine. 😛

“ICOs were very good to Binance,” according to Dr. Imano Coinar, Professor and Chair of the Department of Fiat Studies at Globale Finanzkrise Universität in Berlin. “After fleecing thousands of unsophisticated mom & pop investors to the tune of US$15,000,000 (as if any of that crypto-related data can be believed anyway), Binance pivoted to charging new ICO projects upwards of US$1,000,000 to get tokens listed. Thankfully, those pathetic … excuse me … non-accredited investors finally began conducting due diligence. Once they realized ICOs were a farce, the pool of free money being absorbed by the giant Binance crypto-sponge dried up.”

“To suggest that ICOs themselves were a farce is itself laughable,” countered a Binance representative who wished to remain anonymous. “What hurt these projects most of all was the cottage industry of crypto “experts” — lawyers, marketers, software developers, etc. All of these ‘ICO Advisors’ were like leeches, sucking the financial life blood out of projects and denying them the privilege of being listed on Binance … not to mention denying us all of that sweet, sweet money… Oh sh*t! Did I say that last part out loud? Can you edit that out, please?”

Given what appears to be the success of Binance’s latest crypto fundraising method du jour, the “Initial Exchange Offering” or “IEO,” one may wonder what’s the point of announcing yet another token sale methodology, like the “CZO?” Here’s what Changpeng Zhao himself had to say:

We playin’ a long game, bro. Long game. If people actin’ like the IEO is new, people ain’t been payin’ attention. Our first IEO was, what, like over a year ago, I think? We just didn’t call it “IEO” back then. Naw…

Right now, though, brand is everything. And right now, the CZ brand is strong as f*ck all up in this crypto sh*t, know what I’m sayin’? I know I do. Because I am the physical embodiment of the CZ brand. But enough about me…

Remember this word — “disintermediation.” Because just as I am the physical embodiment of the CZ brand, the CZO is the embodiment of disintermediation.

At the height of the ICO rally — if you recall — you started havin’ all these nasty little ICO advisors runnin’ around, stickin’ they filthy little hands in all them ICO cookie jars. They kept multiplyin’ and before you know it, there weren’t no delicious crypto cookies left for yours truly…

F*ck, bro… nobody give a f*ck about them projects! All they care about is the token. And the only exchange they want they token on is my exchange. CZ’s exchange…Binance.

So you know what? We done put a stop to that ICO advisory nonsense by bringin’ all those services — and all that money — in-house. In CZ’s house. We did that with the IEO. Now that was some disintermediation happenin’.

Here’s the thing, though. CZ still ain’t gettin’ enough cookies! You know why? Because you still got these “founders” and “team members” eatin’ most of ‘em. How we fix that? Hmm? You listenin’? Damn right! We disintermediate, bro. Dis-in-ter-med-i-ate!

Ain’t gonna be no more founders or team members stealin’ CZ’s crypto cookies. No no no. Because every new CZO that get listed has only one founder/team member — me. CZ! CZ come up with the project! CZ launch it on Binance! And CZ get all the cookies! BOOM! How you like CZ now?

And that, bro? That right there … is the real power … of blockchain.

When asked how he intended to manage all of these projects post-CZO as the only team member, CZ responded thusly,

Number of f*cks given by Changpeng Zhao? 0

CZDGAF, bro! CZDGAF! Hahaha! Naw, naw. I’m just playin’ wit’ you. Serious. It ain’t like that at all…

Tell you what, though, since you been askin’ all the questions so far, let me just ask you this one — more like a riddle than a question: “What happens to the careers of wannabe crypto journalists who ask too many questions?”

Hahaha! It’s all good, CZ! Message received! Message received!


BREAKING NEWS — Long-Awaited Report on Binance Founder and CEO Changpeng Zhao Finally Released by Binance Labs:

Our research has concluded that Mr. Zhao, with proper meditation, can in fact make number go up. In those unlikely instances where he cannot, matching engine team and Tether standing by.


Grant Gulovsen 高伟明 is a licensed U.S.-based intellectual property attorney whose practice focuses on advising individuals and businesses in the blockchain and cryptocurrency space. You can find him online at Gulovsen Law Office. Please note that the above article is intended solely as parody/satire, designed to highlight the absurdity of what passes as “business as usual” or “best practices” in the cryptocurrency industry.


This article was kindly shared with ValueTokenized publication by Grant Gulovsen.

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Facilitating creation of internet of value for the humankind to be able to transact value as easy and cheap as sending an email.

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