12. Make America Dope Again (Volume 2)

EDITORS NOTE: ‘Make America Dope Again’ will hopefully be another recurring blog series thingy here. In this series you’ll be traveling with me to an alternate reality. One where I am POTUS. In each volume I’ll reveal a law in my step by step plan to make America dope again. President Louis in the house.

“Now introducing for your United States! A 5'10 politician! Hailing from Quincy, Massachusetts! President #46! Ryannnnn Louiiissssss”

I think that’s how President’s are announced? Or maybe that’s basketball players? Hard to tell.

Anyways, let’s get to it.

My fellow citizens: I sit here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you’ve bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by the readers before us.

Forty-five dudes have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken in times where life on this planet of ours was, as the kids would say, “all good”. Just a whole bunch of humans running around doing dope shit and more importantly not doing whack shit. Unfortunately the sacred oath has also been taken during times when things weren’t going that great. Pretty horribly normally. A species-wide epidemic of whack decisions, whack mindsets, whack actions, murder, whack priorities, whack hair/fashion styles and Snapchat streaks. Universal whackness. At these moments, low moments, America has pulled through not because of politicians and elected leaders but because we, the people, have remained faithful to all the shit those slave owners that founded this country have left behind.

Side Note: Also literally none of that has ever happened. But it sounded good and I didn’t want to let facts get in the way of a good speech. So I didn’t.

uSo it’s gotta be; it must be this generation of Americans to make our country dope again.

That we are in the midst of some terrible shit is putting it lightly. Our nation is at war against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. A social network as some may call it. Facebook as I would call it. Also our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of fidget spinners and cocaine on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for Lavar Ball among other things. Homes have been lost, jobs shed, Vine taken from us. Medicine cost money for some reason, Stanford Standardized Testing is still a thing — and each day brings further evidence 0f the fact that it’s 2017 and people still don’t believe Al Gore.

That’s page one of 52?!? Jesus. I told Derek to stop selling his daughters’ adderol to my writers. I told him what would happen when you stick 4 dorks all hopped up on speed in a closet-sized room tasked with writing a speech for me. I’m livid.

51 more pages, man. Ya’ll don’t really expect me to read the entire — Nah fuck that. I’ll have Derek tweet out the remaining pages as punishment. What do you say we wrap this shit up?

Actually before I do, I would like to thank President Trump for — well how should I put this? When the video surfaced a few months ago I was actually in the middle of speed dating. I was sitting on my toilet attempting to break my personal record of most Tinder swipes in an hour. What? Ok too much infor- long story short, I was a little late to the party. Eventually J-Boogie sent me the video. I must admit to you, my fellow Americans, my initial reaction after watching the actions taken place by former President Trump, former VP Pence and former Adviser Bannon on that video was not anger or a call for impeachment. None of that. No , what I did was I peed myself. I peed everywhere. Everywhere except a toilet. For the record, no the video didn’t cause that to happen, seeing those three snort lines of cocaine off of each other in their birthday suits came as no surprise whatsoever. I peed myself because J-Boogie wouldn’t allow me to get off Facetime with him and my bladder burst. But anyways, I guess I want to thank Trump for lasting 40 days longer than I expected. It was a long month though.— I also wanna thank Hank from the gift shop for the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition. Also the pastry chef, Juanita. The lovely, lovely Juanita. Mami I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave. I said that out loud? Ok God Bless America blah blah blah. Bye.

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” — George Dubya Bush