6. Make America Dope Again (Volume 1)
EDITORS NOTE: ‘Make America Dope Again’ will hopefully be another recurring blog series thingy here. In this series you’ll be traveling with me to an alternate reality. One where I am POTUS. In each volume I’ll reveal a law in my step by step plan to make America dope again. President Louis in the house.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world where I was POTUS?
What is a ‘POTUS’ you ask? You’re so inquisitive — it’s adorable. POTUS is actually an acronym for ‘President of the United States’. See, when you’re a super important dude like me or my homie J-Boogie (Vice President Biden), you simply do not have the time for things like full words and pooping. So avoiding mexican food and the effective usage of acronyms are vital to the stability of our government. If you prefer your government to lean more on the stable side then you see the importance of acronyms. Super important. Like so important that people actually wonder if the Acronym Efficiency Department are the puppet master pulling the strings of the entire country. Also maybe the entire A.E.D is run by reptiles disguised as humans. Yup you heard correctly. Reptiles. Reptiles disguised as humans. Reptiles disguised as humans running America. Alrighty then. If the part about reptiles didn’t give it away I feel like it’s important that I inform you that when I say ‘people’ I mean one person. And when I say ‘one person’ I mean Alex Jones. I have an extra grain of salt right here, please take it.
Anyways, I can’t see you right now- obviously. Oh, that reminds me that I have to pick up my binoculars from the shop later. Like I said I can’t see you right now. So obviously there should really be no way for me to know you’re answer to my question. Think again. Hashtag fake news and equally important hashtag alternative fact. That’s how all the cool kids say that something is NOT true these days btw. My totally bitchin lingo and I are trying to say that there is a way to know your answer despite our physical distance. See me and you are like two peas in a milk dud, like peanut butter and chicken nuggets, like Batman and Michael Scott, like motherfuckin Dolly Parton and Tupac. Get it now? No? My examples should have cleared it up… Ok what I’m trying to say is that we have that “twin connection” only not as creepy and way more dope. I don’t need to be with you to know that you said yes. You have took the time to imagine a world where I was POTUS. I know cuz I can feel it in my soul.
Or maybe that’s my sciatica acting up again?
Regardless, you said yes and that’s so fuckin cool, man. I appreciate the hell out of you for that. You think about me sometimes?! Like, do you want my lungs?Oh you do? You want my lungs. Ok. Interesting. Well I won’t lie to you but uhh I wasn’t expecting that. Kinda just being nice there. I wasn’t expecting you to — are you aware that I don’t have extra for myself lying around? Like if we go through with this you will have 4 lungs and I will have 0. How do you expect me to live without — you don’t give a shit? That’s what you said just now? Ok so, no. I thought about it and no. That’s not gonna happen. First of all it just doesn’t sound fun for me at all. You may not know this about me but I am pro-fun. You’re upset. I know It may not seem like it right now but I’m actually doing you a hugggeee favor here. My lungs- excuse me, my burnt-turkey looking breathing apparatus’ are every single antonym for “well oiled machine”. Simply put, not great. Simply’er put, they’d probly kill you in a month. And that’s being optimistic.
Before we go any further I’m going to need you to take 5 seconds and imagine a Ryan Louis presidency. I know we’ve established that you’ve already done this but I don’t care. It’s my blog and I want you to do it again. K? Cool — let’s begin.
1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi, 5 Mississippi. Time’s up.
Ok, let’s address the elephant in the room. You have tears in you’re eyes right now. I can see that. There’s no denying it. The easy thing to do here is to jump to the conclusion that the very thought of me being president literally made you cry. That’s a fair assumption. The optics here are undeniably shitty. Fun fact though: that’s not the case. This precipitation forming on your corneas was caused by something else — like something that doesn’t put me at fault. It’s simply because in that brief 5 seconds we used for imagination, you came to a realization. Around like the 3rd ‘Mississippi’ you realized that I might actually be a better POTUS than the orange dumpling we’re stuck with right now. Naturally that made you sad. I get it. But guess what? You’re in luck. We no longer have to wonder what it’d be like. We’re in it. We have Twilight Zone’d our way into an alternate reality where the orange oompa loompa has been impeached and I have finagled my way to replace him as President. So I’m sure you can imagine how hectic it’s been around here for me lately. I haven’t even been sworn in yet and I already have all these advisers talking to me about not letting the fame or power go to my head. Like adamantly stressing it 25 times a day. Which would be fine and totally not annoying if it wasn’t terrible advice. But it is. Legit the worst advice ever. I plan on letting it ALL go to my head. Why be famous or powerful and stay the same? Exactly. Like I went from being a complete non-factor in the progression of human existence to soon being the most powerful man in the world. That’s like a syringe of anabolic steroids right into my ego and it sounds fucking wonderful. Naturally I had them executed — I mean fired.
Obviously I’m looking forward to the perks that come with this gig. The bulletproof suits, limo’s, Air Force One, secretaries and my slaves - I mean helpers. But the true best part of all is proving my high school teachers wrong. Apparently my ‘attending class is 100% optional’ mindset wasn’t “jeopardizing my future” . It landed me a fuckin sweet gig. Hey Ms. Madden THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM STINKS!! ALSO YOU SMELL LIKE BROCCOLI!! I HATE BROCCOLI!! ALSO PUNCH BUGGIES ARE LAME AS FUCK!! ALSO I DEFINITELY WON’T BE IN ATTENDANCE TOMORROW!! Feels good to get that off my chest.
What’s that? You’re wondering what my actual plan is as POTUS? Well you’re a little too late to be asking that — I already got the gig lol. But you’re my best friend — don’t tell J-Boogie — so I’ll oblige. My mission consists of one thing and one thing only. I want to Make America Dope Again. (well, for the first time, really but that’s semantics) Not an easy task, I know. But as Sun Tzu once said, “Do it, to it Lars!”. Which, when translated, means that to make this country dope, I’m gonna need a dope plan. So I’m doing exactly that. I’m taking Sun Tzu’s advice and concocting the dopest plan ever planned. Ya, I’m super amped too. But we have to be patient with this. It’s too important. Besides, before I can put anything in motion I have to go through that boring ass Inauguration thing first. You’re invited to that btw. But once that mumbo jumbo is completed it’s go time. I promise. And this blog series is where it will all go down. The next volume will be my Inauguration speech thing and each one after that I will unveil a step in my plan to Make America Dope Again.
“If ‘ifs’ were fifths we’d all be drunk” — A Genius