2.) More About Nothing . . .
. . . With A Lil Somethin’ Sprinkled In
EDITORS NOTE: This is the “lil somethin sprinkled in”. The prodigal son has returned. I’m pleased to announce the reintroduction of me. And that’s why we’re here today. Literally just so I could announce that. Everything proceeding this note is the “more about nothing”. If you continue, be warned: The following contains 0 intellectual content, 0 structure & 0 direction. The best way to describe it is it’s kinda like — uhhh. Ya, basically it’s — nahh. . Long story short; ‘More About Nothing’ is an affront to English Majors everywhere.
The Aforementioned “Affront To English Majors Everywhere”
I know it’s been a while since we last spoke, this is gonna sound like a bad joke — Shit, hold up. That sounds a lot like — — Is that a Gym Class Heroes lyric?!?! Yo, did I really just steal a Gym Class Heroes lyric?!?!
Ok, yup. That happened. Google, aka the “Greek God of Knowledge & Pornography”, just confirmed it. I 100% just stole a Gym Class Heroes lyric. Is that plagiarism? Can I go to jail for that? I feel like that wouldn’t be an ideal situation for me personally. Imagine going to prison for plagiarizing those weirdo’s? My prison rep would be incredibly unimpressive . . .
I’ll Set The Scene
Inmate Murder Chris: Look who it is. Prisoner #94941, formerly known as Ryan Louis, currently known as my new motherfucking cell mate! Wassup Fish?! You a long way from home now, huh?! *Grabs brownie from my tray*
ME: Yes, Mr. Murder sir, I am sir *Begrudgingly accepts the loss of brownie*
Inmate Murder Chris: You look soft as puppy shit. The fuck you in for? Rob a KB Toys? *Very impressed with his own joke, Mr. Murder begins to chuckle*
ME: Actually, I uhh — I allegedly plagiarized the opening line of the 1st verse of an extremely mediocre mid-2000’s alternative rap song on a blog that 19 people read, Mr. Murder . . . Sir.
Inmate Murder Chris: YOOO! *Slams both fists on the table*
ME: Oh my god, please don’t stab me *Urine begins to trickle out of my penis*
Inmate Murder Chris: THEY GOT ME FOR P-GIZING TOO, JACK!!
ME: What the fu — —
Inmate Murder Chris: The Fray! ‘How To Save a LIfe’. So powerful. So aesthetically pleasing. Them white boys got soul, Jack. Niggas should take notes. My blog game was filled wit lyrics by them poetic Anglo-Saxon’s. Then somebody snitched on your boy and caught 2 years. Well worth it though!!!
ME: *Urine ceases* Yo. So why THE FUCK do they call you MURDER Chr —
Inmate Murder Chris: — Cuz I murder every Facebook status I be posting. Rape and pillage every tweet I be tweetin. Massacre every Instagram candid I be ‘snappin. Annihilate every blog I be scribin. Profound shit. Hood shit. Versatility is off the charts. Bonafide social media ASSASSIN, Jack!!
ME: I’m so confused right now — Wait. Why do you keep calling me Jack? You know my — you literally said my name 45 seconds ago.
Inmate Murder Chris: That’s how southern folk roll, Jack.
ME: Nigga, you’re from Vermont. Give me back my motherfucking brownie.
Yes. “What the fuck” is a completely appropriate response right now. Such a confusing situation. It’d be dope if I could avoid that — like at all costs, ya know? I’m no Michael Scofield or Avon Barksdale. I’m me. Exceptionally average me, Jack.
Side Note: If you don’t know who Michael Scofield or Avon Barksdale are then I legit feel bad for you. Do you not enjoy being entertained? That’s the only excuse for never watching ‘Prison Break’ or ‘The Wire’. Come on!
Anyways, the answer is yes. The answer to the question that’s ringing in your head right now is yes. NONE of this is relevant. Like, if there was a word that was antonymous for relevancy, then that’d most accurately describe what is transpiring right now. 2–4 minutes you’ll never get back. Poof, gone forever. Ok, I see that you’re upset now. You think it’s my fault. History says you’re right BUT in my defense you have officially known me for like 1200 words now. You knew what you were getting yourself into. Like after the 10th word of the 1st blog, ‘The Prelude’, it should’ve been pretty damn evident that I possess an annoyingly sparatic brain. A cranium that makes completing simple tasks such as staying on topic/fundamentally producing coherent thoughts, very fucking difficult. Is that a flaw? I guess. But a great and eccentric philosopher named Kanye West once said “Everything I’m not made me everything I am”. So is it actually a flaw? Yup, exactly.
Hey regardless of who’s at fault, part of me does feel bad for wasting your precious time. Truly. Also, part of me does not (a larger part). You should have read the disclaimer in the ‘Editors Note’, man! Don’t lie and say that you did because obviously you did not. You wouldn’t be reading this if you did. I literally said that all this nonsense was going to be “an affront to English Majors Everywhere” a.k.a: Knucking futs. I warned you that the only thing that mattered here was to announce that ‘Van Gogh’s Ear’ is back (With reinforcements this time) and anything proceeding that announcement would be total nothingness. The objective of this post was literally accomplished after the 15th word. Meaning we’re 782 words passed relevancy. *Shrugs* I hope you’re not mad at me. I was just super excited to inform you of this sites return! That those fucking shitheads are letting me type words on the web again! It has to have been a mistake. Me having this platform is a threat to National Security. Now some poor schmuck at the Internet Gestapo is probly gonna get fired. Getting someone fired always stinks but he kind of deserves it, though right? Cool we agree, Gary’s gotta go (He seems like Gary)
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get enjoyment out of causing a fellow human to lose their ability to earn a living — but c’mon now. This is unique. It isn’t your everyday ‘run of the mill’ type of mistake. This is unadulterated neglect. Appreciated, yes but also worrisome. It’s the kind of neglect that resulted in me possessing the power to send any bizarre thoughts in my brain directly to a screen near you. BRUH. There is literally no scenario where that can end well. Let’s face it, he fucked up. COLOSSALLY fucked up. A fuck-up of this magnitude had to have been intentional in my opinion. No one is that bad at their job (Rodger Goodell?). So if 2+2=4 then Gary’s inaction+a smidge of common sense=Russian spy.
The motherfucker’s name ain’t even Gary, people. Wake up. This evil bastard’s name is Stanislov Popatenko.
Side Note: Hey America, YOU’RE WELCOME. What does one get for defeating a Russian spy? I hope it’s some dope shit. A weaponized pen? Debt forgiveness? Who decides this shit?..
Right, so you see why we can’t just FIRE Garyslov. It’s gotta be heavy. Maybe like no vodka for a year? Ehh well actually that might be too severe, come to think of it. The Geneva Convention tends to frown upon inhumane torture tactics. Fuckin liberals, am I right? smh
Ya, I don’t know what any of that was about either. It all happened so fast, I didn’t know what was going on. Like who the fuck is Gary? Why is Gary a Russian spy? Where the fuck did I get the name Stanislov from? Jesus, Mary & Joseph. We should wrap this up while we still have our health. This blog/bullshit was grammatical anarchy yet somehow you managed to survive to the end. I’m so proud of you. You’re a perfect homo sapien and I love the shit out of you, dude. I think I now have to give you my first born child? The rule’s a little grey there so I don’t know for sure. It’s yours if the law permits it though. I’ll let you know.
Sooo uh ya, thanks for stopping by. It feels good to be back. I actually got some topical and relatively coherent shit coming down the pipeline soon. You won’t have to go through anything like this ever again. I promise. Also there might be some other possible contributors hopping on to ‘Van Gogh’s Ear’ so stay tuned! Alright. Word. Gotta jet.
Auf Wiedersehen Arschlochs
“Smile. God don’t like ugly”- Boobie Miles