11. Stroke ’Em If You Got ‘Em


Right now at this very moment your toggling between ‘is this fake?’ and ‘this is obviously a terrible idea’. Now your worried because your starting to realize that this is most definitely NOT fake. And to make things worse you’ve now begun picturing all those coworkers that you loathe cumming all over the workplace. I admit that does not sound great. Fun fact though — I’m maybe all in on on-the-job-masturbation kinda. Hey don’t call me a freak, just hear me out.

I am a nicotine survivor. To do that I had to conjure up every ounce of intestinal fortitude that my ancestors genetically provided me with to win that battle. But I did it — i won.

Actually, what’s the color associated with nicotine survivors? Ashy grey?? We got bracelets?? Do people walk/run 5k’s for us??

Anyways, as with any great accomplishment comes great consequences. At the forefront of that is WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO AT WORK NOW? Like the only thing getting me through these monotonous days are my beloved smoke breaks. “All right Ryan, just hold on for another hour, 13 minutes and 32 seconds and then bliss. Two minutes of pure chemically ominous bliss. Man that’s everything. And now it’s nothing. That bliss no longer exists. I conquered nicotine but it came at a price. And everything has changed.

We’re in the post-nicotine era of my life now. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t love it. Everything is so ass backwards in this era. I didnt just have to relearn how to properly take breaks, I basically had to relearn how to do my damn job. Like I legit forgot how to count for a solid 25 minutes. I just couldn’t do it. It was weird, man. Actually one of the first things I noticed in this new era is that taking a smokeless break is a really bad look. I get it though. Like you’re legit just standing there twiddling your thumbs. You look lazy as fuck. But if you’re just standing there twiddling your thumbs with a Marlb Red in between your fingers it doesn’t look as bad. You’re not lazy, you’re just taking a smoke break. It’s accepted and expected.

That leaves us nicotine survivors needing to change up how we break. We need a substitute. Our job performance and mental health depends on it. And it can’t just be any old thing. It has to provide close to the same feeling of bliss as those legal heroin sticks. Ya, you could sit on the toilet and scroll through your phone. You could take a walk. You could eat. You could do whatever. But all that shit isn’t pleasureful enough to fill the void. So as the saying goes ‘if you want something done right, just do it yourself’. That’s a fact. And also applicable. If your looking for another source for some midday pleasure, who better to provide that pleasure than yourself? Yes, I’m talking about masturbation. Stop laughing, grow up. It’s not a terrible idea if you think about it. Oh you thought about it? And still hate it? Alright well I’m putting you up for adoption anyways so your opinion doesn’t matter all that much. Masturbating breaks at work is not a terrible idea. It’s not necessarily a good one either but it potentially maybe can be kinda. Look. The bottom line is this — I thwarted nicotine (good). Now I no longer have anything to look forward to during the work day (bad). That leaves me needing a replacement (logical). A midday tug everyday would be lovely (bliss).

What was that? You wanna know what my plan is for all of this? Somebody’s getting interested :) What’s my plan though? Dude idk. Basically there will need to be rules. There will need to be a lot of rules. Like a lot of rules. Rules for daily operation , rules for sanitation and rules for humanity. And these rules need to be fuckin perfect. Cuz anything less than a perfect system with something like this (on the job masturbation)could be…..well you can probably imagine. And that simply can’t happen. Remember that picture in your grandmas bathroom that said “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll land among the stars”?. Cute quote, right? No. That quote stinks. There can be NO missing with what needs to be done with this. We must land on the moon. There will be no stars if we miss. In this case those stars would be bodily fluids gone rogue. And we don’t want that, right? Perfection. That’s the only way. So all these rules will need to be religiously obeyed and strictly enforced. I cannot stress it enough how important it is that that happens. Like the slightest of violations will result in immediate castration type of strict. The threat of bodily mutilation is an effective way to get people to fall in line. History proves this. It’s a super Nazi thing to do but maybe even throw up a sign saying “Castration is Forever, Yo” or something. Too far? Yea I got a little carried away there. Hmmm what else? Oh also we gotta get someone a lot smarter than me to execute all this shit. That’s probably the most important part of the plan. So if we want this to actually be a thing, which at this point I think we all do, I am not the guy to make that happen. Not even a little bit.

That’s all I got. I gotta hit the sack. Super excited for work tomorrow now lol

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