3.) Who’s Ya Daddy?

So, ya. Over time I’ve come to realize that somewhere along the lines of adolescence we begin to crave the need to become our own person. It’s almost like our psyche recognizes that it’s time to start developing our own personality. Desperately yearning to adopt any mannerisms or subtle idiosyncrasies that when compounded together, make us who we are. Desperately. And seeing as our world view is extremely limited at that point in time, our psyche naturally turns to the most convenient source available. The parents. Specifically pertaining to the mother/daughter & father/son relationship. I mean, who better to teach you how to progress as a human being than the grown up dude/dudette version of yourself? You know what I’m talking about. Like maybe a guy will find himself standing the same exact way that his father does. Hands on a hip? Arms crossed? Whatever. And a girl might notice that she uses the same technique to shave her legs or whatver as her mother. The little things that makes us us. No, I am not a psychologist. At least not in the traditional sense of the word. What I am though is two things. 1. Logical. 2. A human being. It shouldn’t take a piece of paper from a school to grant me the power of understanding the way myself and fellow members of my species operate. Well, that’s what I tell myself at least.

But what if a parent is missing from that equation though? Like myself for instance — growing up without a father. Where would I turn to quench that thirst? Sure, there were uncles, cousins, brothers and coaches, but that wasn’t an everyday occurrence. And of course my mom was and continues to be a rock star who does it all — — but genetically speaking there are some things that are impossible for her to weigh in on or be a model for. I’m a 25 year old biracial dude. I’m not about to stand like a middle aged white Irish woman. So in this type of scenario I believe that we subconsciously garner that much needed knowledge from unorthodox sources. For me it was TV & Cinema dads. Is that weird? IDK. But it’s also true, so it is what it is.

Below I have compiled a list of 5 TV & Cinema fathers that exemplified exceptional paternal qualities. I think. Either that or it’s just 5 characters that I thought would be fun to write about. . . idk.

5. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars)

Born: Pre Phantom Menace — Died: Return of the Jedi

“Luke…. I am your father!!”

I feel as though I should preface this with what apparently is a universally unpopular opinion of mine. I’m a big fan of ‘The Star Wars’ prequel trilogy. Like, to me, Episodes 1–3 (the newest 3)are like Ramen Noodles. Episodes 4–6 (the oldest 3) are Ramen Noodles as well but without that little seaasoning packet. The former: Far from a gourmet meal but at the right moment in time — perfection. The latter: Just blahh — ya, I’d probably still eat it if push comes to shove but I would hate every single second of it. Long story short; If a seasoning packet is readily available then you add a seasoning packet every single time. I’m pretty sure that’s Newtons 4th law. Could be 5th?I’m not entirely sure.

I realize that the majority of you people may be deeply offended by my hot take. All I can say is relax, bro. I ain’t shit — My movie opinions aren’t that serious. Carrying on— When I was a kid I was extremely embarrassed of the fact that my father wasn’t around. Whenever a snottie-nosed, fart smelling, prepubescent, failure to their parents would bring up that topic I would respond like any other kid would. LIE TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN MOON!! My dad was this, my dad was that, my dad was cooler than the toys in Santa’s sack. Basically he was the Haitian Dos Eqiui’s guy. Now compound all of those lies with an actuality of my pops being the dopest Jedi in the game? Exactly. The Louis family would be rolling fierce, man. We’d be like the Blackhawks of Planet Earth, The Warriors of the Milky Way, the doggone Patriots of the universe. Supreme domination. I mean, the only reason dude even joined the dark side was to acquire the power & knowledge to be able to save Ma Dukes, myself and my twin sis, Leia. Noble as fuck if you ask me. “What the fuck kind of paternal characteristics could you have possibly learned from a mopey Caucasian teenager who, over time, acquired a soulful old black person voice?” That’s a fair question. Was Anakin a little misguided? Sure. Did dude kill a bunch of little kids at that Jedi Elementary School? Allegedly. Is dude a raging sociopath? One Hundred Percent. But if you can look passed all those psychopathic signs , you’d be able to see what I see:

** A father-figure who scares the ever living shit out of you (Necessary).
** A father figure who’d essentially commit mass genocide of a people in your name (
Loyalty is dope).
** A father figure who could pull a chick like Nathalie Portman (
Spitting good game is hereditary).
** A father figure who’ll go down as the most bad ass of bad asses since the invention of bad asses (
Any publicity is good publicity).
Yup, I agree. Anakin Skywalker is fatherly as fuck.

4.) Rob “Boston Rob” Mariano (Survivor)

Born: Christmas 1975 — Still Kickin’

“This Big Bobert or Bobby, whatever, is big and tough, and wants everybody to know that. He’s probably got a little sausage”

All hail the titan of basic cable, Sir Robert Mariano!
People watch/have watched Survivor, right? Personally, I believe that it should be celebrated by the masses. It should be a tangible thing with some sort of Survivor Twitter , orrrr Survivor Reddit orrrrrr even some sort of fuckin Survivor-themed slumber parties. It’s that perfect. Wait, why did you just scoff? You don’t agree? I want to be so mad at you right now for having such an incredibly wrong opinion about this. But I can’t. I think it’s fair to assume that somebody once said that it’s you’re God-given right to be able to think for yourself — That’s like biblical shit, so I get it. You’re extremely wrong, but I get it. 
Anyways, lemme quickly justify Boston Rob’s spot on this highly competitive crop of candidates. For starters, he is the OG of reality TV. Fact, not opinion. Also he had the honor of becoming the 1st Bostonian since Crispus Attucks to be knighted by the King of USA — Wikipedia is super reliable. Also, and allegedly more truthful, he was, eloquently stated, The. Fucking. Man. I know it was just a TV show but I grew up watching a dude from around our way scratching — nay — clawing for a chance to provide for his family. Competitively, ruthlessly, deviously and at times maliciously trying to win by any means necessary. Putting any potential consequences on the back burner because it was just about family. With all that going on, he still managed to be the funniest motherfucker I’ve ever seen on a reality TV show. He possessed a cataclysmic personality of making sure that you are giving 0 fucks at all times while simultaneously constantly giving all the fucks. That’s rare. Also paternal. I was impressionable, how could I not just soak up all his Mr. Miyagi/Drunk guy in Quincy Center like wisdom? Just me and my Great Grandmother kicking back, eating Lorna Doones, and witnessing Sir Rob do what Sir Rob did. 11 year old Ryan had no chance. My transformation into the spawn of the Bostonian Knight had begun and there was no turning back.

3.) Phil Dunphy (Modern Family)

Born: April 3, 1967 — Alive & well

“ I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I’m pretty much not afraid of anything…”

Modern Family might be the only show that I watch that isn’t on Netflix or one of the premium channels. Network TV is a barren wasteland. Some how, however, I manage to sack up for 23 minutes once a week for the Dunphy/Pritchett family. I honestly don’t know how people feel about this show. They seem to win copious amounts of awards every year so somebody must think it’s a quality program.

Side Note: On second thought, Mad Men got a bunch of awards too and that show was the opposite of good. Just gonna go ahead and scratch that logic.

The issue that I’m feebly attempting to probe at is if it’s weird that I like this show? The correct answer is no. Why? It’s damn funny — like, legit laugh out loud funny. Fun fact: I like to laugh. Laughing is dope ( Actually if you really think about it, laughing is also one our greatest survival techniques keeping us from drowning in monotony). The tour de force responsible for this aesthetically pleasing 23 minutes is the one and only Phillip Dunphy.
Humor, for the most part, is a subjective topic. A joke that might make one laugh could easily receive crickets from another. You can’t force somebody to find something funny. Phil Dunphy transcends that though, I think. Everything that spills out of that dude’s mouth hits my proverbial humor button. So much so that I can’t comprehend how it doesn’t hit everybody the same way. He’s a weird ol’ chap but the good kind of weird. Like weirdly paternal. He seems to implement this unique form of parental techniques that are so outlandishly remarkable that the term “wild card-dad” is probably only appropriate label. Unpredictable. “Is dad gonna kill me or hug me?”. Shit would keep you on your toes at all times. That’s great for building character if you think about it. In summation, i understand that under Phil’s tutelage there’d be a legit 50/50 chance that I’d either become a serial killer or an astrophysicist. Maybe both? There’s no way to know for sure. That’s the appeal, as well as the reason for his spot on my list. Bro, monotony is the WORST. Also those odds would be an upgrade.

2.) Mufasa (Lion King)

Born: Unknown — Died: Also unknown, ask Scar though. Bet he’d know.

“I’m only brave when I have to be. Being brave doesn’t mean you go looking for trouble”

This one’s an obvious choice. The only argument that could be made is that he’s only #2. That’s fair. First off, the rankings are irrelevant. This is in no particular order. The numbers just make it seem like there’s an actual format here. There’s not.

Lion King was the first movie I ever saw in a movie theater back in the day. Apparently my grandma fell asleep and started snoring wicked loud the whole time? IDK, i was like 4. It’s a classic. We’ve all seen it. We all admired Mufasa; the King of the Jungle. And we all had our hearts broken when those Disney douche bags murdered him. No wonder why my generation is always on tilt. That shit was heavy man. We never stood a chance.

1.) Phillip Zeke Banks (Fresh Prince)

Born: January 30th, 1945 — Died: It’s Complicated.

“Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall. I heard the brother speak. I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I KNOW where I come from! … So before you criticize someone, you find out what he’s all about”

“First things first rest in peace Uncle Phil. For real. You the only father that I ever knew. If I get my chick pregnant I’ma be a better you.”

Jermaine Cole said it best.

That dude was, for lack of a better term, THAT NIGGA. To expound on what I mean by that seemingly shallow sentiment, basically Uncle Phil was, and continues to be the example. I know that some of my other choices for this list could be construed as light-hearty or to provide a tad of comic relief. But Uncle Phil is the real deal here. He inspired this blog so him winding up as #1 is no coincidence. The patriarch of the Banks family was so incredibly important to my childhood that I’d want him to be my father even if I had one. Any kind of kid, could take some kind of something from that man. The less fortunate youth could learn how to be a man and take care of business. The fortunate could learn how to appreciate all that you have. You could say that he raised a group of jaded children who were extremely disconnected from their heritage. That’d be fair, but I’d have to point out that he came from nothing and made damn sure that his seeds were better off. Isn’t that the definition of the American dream? For children to leap frog their parents? To be completely honest, all that stuff I’ve said about him is kind of pointless. Not only am I not doing him justice, but his #1 spot could be justified by simply linking the scene between him and Will when Will’s biological father leaves again. Legit one of the most powerful scenes I’ve ever witnessed. Gives me the feels, dude. Manly feels, but feels all the same. Hits me the same way today as it did 20 years ago. So that’s how I’m going to end it.

“Every time black people wanna have a good time, some ignant’ ass niggas — Shit I take care of my kid!!- Chris Rock” — Michael Scott