Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

A literary exegesis of the most important novel of our time.

Editor’s note: this 2012 review is based on the eBook Master of the Universe by Snowqueens Icedragon, which contained the entire 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. It is re-posted here in honor of the final film of that franchise, 50 Shades Freed.

Right now, your mom is masturbating to a dirty book about a guy who duct tapes a young girl to a chair, blindfolds her, gags her, beats the shit out of her, then pulls a tampon out of her cooch and fucks her period pussy before spraying hot, salty jizz all over her face. With his huge cock. His huge, huge cock. So huge that she is scared of it, your mom in character as this 21 year old girl. The girl whom she is pretending to be while she is flicking her middle-aged bean is younger than you. She is younger than your younger sister. She is a mere four years older than you were when your mom would have been horrified to find a pack of purloined Virginia Slims crumpled up in your Levis when she was doing your laundry.

Right now your mom is pretending to be a girl who literally just turned old enough to drink, who meets a notorious but reclusive billionaire “industrialist” who made huge sums of money in the way that women think “industrialists” make money, which is: they don’t…