Empathy: Why it’s good and how to nurture it

As a UX designer for over ten years and a mom for nine, you’d think empathy was woven into my core. It wasn’t. I hadn’t thought much about it until it became a buzz word in the design world. Here’s what I learned from my own exploration into empathy.

I started by taking some well-known personality tests. It seemed I wasn’t very empathetic by nature. So, what gives? How could I be in the UX world and a mom, both roles focused on others’ needs, without empathy?

I spent some time soul searching and realized I have a lot of empathy. I just wasn’t using it.

The steps I outline here can help you tap into your own empathy.

1. Define empathy

• “The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” — Google
• “Empathy enables us to understand not only our users’ immediate frustrations, but also their hopes, fears, abilities, limitations, reasoning, and goals.” — Neilson Norman Group
• “Be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” — 1 Peter 3:8, the Bible

Interestingly, after doing this research, I discovered I viewed empathy as a negative trait. When the many positive aspects of empathy became clear to me, it led me to consider some of the misconceptions about empathy.

2. Reject common misconceptions about empathy

• Feeling feelings. There are three types of empathy: emotional (feeling the feelings), cognitive (perspective taking), and compassionate (listening, connecting, caring, and responding).
• It doesn’t belong at work. Research shows empathetic leadership is the key to a healthy, happy, innovative, productive, sustainable business. In fact, 96% of employees consider it important for employers to demonstrate empathy, and yet 92% believe this trait is undervalued in their workplaces.
• It shows weakness. Society, culture, and old-school leadership advice have muddied the waters, convincing people that great pains should be taken to avoid looking “soft” or projecting anything but strength. Empathy requires leaders to confront their feelings and have meaningful interactions with those who need guidance. This is the opposite of weakness.
• It means you agree with the person. Wrong! It doesn’t require you to change your values, beliefs, or preferred approaches to doing business. It’s not about agreement; it’s about understanding.
• It clouds leaders’ judgment. Some leaders fear that becoming too empathetic might cloud their judgment and their ability to make sound decisions. Here’s the truth — lack of empathy clouds judgment. When leaders fail to consider the views, opinions, and ideas of others, they make uninformed decisions that can lead to organizational chaos or failure. When leaders use empathy alongside their decisiveness and vision, they make decisions that people can get behind, allowing for greater success.
• It’s a lack of accountability. Empathy and accountability aren’t opposites. In fact, they often occur together. When someone sets clear expectations and dependence on others, it sends the message that the person is valued.
• It’s passive. When you understand someone’s challenges and have empathy, you’re often compelled to take action.

Don’t confuse empathy with sympathy.

Sympathy makes a connection without emotion, like caring from a distance. Sympathy is the recognition of someone’s emotions.

Empathy is the next level. It helps us look at our own emotions. By helping us to understand we are all human, we now have a foundation to create deeper connections. It acknowledges that no one is immune from challenging times. We’re not so different. Empathy can also shift into compassion. Instead of stopping at I understand, it moves into I’m moved.

At this point, I found myself enamored with empathy. I wanted to relate it to real-life situations.

3. Practice empathy in work & life

There are a few points I want to highlight about making this balancing act work.

• Be clear. Communicate about priorities to both work and family.
• Set aside time without technology. It’s very important to unplug for your family and life. Being present helps you access empathy.
• Give yourself grace. Sometimes, circumstances may force you to shift priorities. Change is inevitable. Give yourself some grace and communicate about the changes with others.

Do work and life have to be separate? I don’t have the perfect answer for everyone, but I found a balance that works for me, my family, and my coworkers.

UX (work) life

Design can be easily influenced by a designer’s feelings or desires. Focusing on the user’s feelings and desires can minimize that influence. Designers need empathy in their process.

It gets them to take a deeper look into situations in a way that helps them to think and create solutions for problems. There’s a tendency amongst designers to prioritize their thoughts and opinions on good design rather than the audience’s opinions.

• “Well, as a user, I wouldn’t do that.”
• “Our users aren’t going to worry about that.”
• “It’s my project. I know what users think.”

Who knows what a person wants better than that person? Having personal touches throughout the design experience helps empathy shine. Those touches acknowledge we’re all human.

That’s the quick version. Some, like Don Norman, disagree.

Mom life (my favorite subject)

As a mom of three, I have learned tons about empathetic parenting.

• Communicate about unexpected surprises. There are times when I need to step away from work to put my family first –sickness, forgotten lunches, missed homework — but it’s not without some guilt. I’m blessed to work for a company like Vanguard, which allows me to put my family first. It’s important to communicate during these times to show respect for my peers’ time.
• Be present. This can be a tough one. You may think you can multitask, but it’s impossible, and that’s just science. People who think they can split their attention between multiple tasks at the same time aren’t actually getting more done. The same goes for switching from task to task. Learn to unplug from one and then focus on the other.
• Fill your cup. Self-care, treat yourself, boss moves. If you feel like you’re getting run down, take a step back. Empathetic parenting is great for our children, but it can come with a cost for parents. Put your oxygen mask on first so you can help others.
• Invite them in. Over the past eight years of parenting, I’ve learned that kids watch EVERYTHING you do. Good and bad. This can also relate to design. By user testing and showing them that we’re here to listen to their opinions, problems, and circumstances, we’re able to create better solutions to their problems.

4. What have we learned?

• Listen. I’m talking true, active listening.
• Be vulnerable. This is not a negative. By accessing our own experiences, it allows us to be empathic and allows others to as well. Vulnerability is the willingness to feel discomfort.
• Avoid judgement. Staying away from judgement will allow you to understand the person more intimately.
• Be intentional. Actively show empathy to someone you may not agree with. This may test & stretch your empathy muscles.

Remember, in this social media-driven world that enables easy connection, we may lack actual connection. Take a stand and try showing empathy towards others.