We wanted to rock your world, not ruin your life
An open letter to riders of our problematic new bike
When total chaos broke out shortly after the release of our new Electrified S, we at VanMoof realized we had missed the mark.
It was never our intention to turn so many lives upside down with just one bike. We feel terrible. Worse than terrible.
To start rebuilding trust, we’d like to disclose some of the weirdly awesome problems reported by Electrified S riders so far.
Before you read any further — we’re truly sorry, both for the problems and for their awesomeness.
Superman delusions
When you fly through the city at ridiculous speed, dodging mere mortals left and right, you get impatient. But when you discover you have powers to track down the villain who dares steal your bike, you get downright cocky.
Reckless joyrides
Some days you come to your senses at the edge of civilization, with no clue how you got there. Oh wait. You’ve gone rogue on yourself again.
24/7 guilt trip
Your Electrified S is so unstealable, it’s basically your fault when bike thief unemployment hits an all-time high. Crippled by guilt, you volunteer weekends at a rehab for recovering thieves. (In a twist of fate, some re-enter society as Bike Hunters.)
Addictive behavior
It’s a hit of pure joy, that turbo boost button. You push it, you zoom. Push, zoom, push, zoom aaaaaand there it goes. All the good work you’ve done to conquer your instant gratification demons, down the drain.
Motivational quotes
The words “It’s all about the journey” just came out of your mouth. Non-ironically. Check yourself, zen master — with each ride, you’re in more danger of losing your hard-earned reputation as a sarcastic son of a gun.
Things you can’t unsee
With great speed come greatly traumatic incidents. You can’t unsee your boss splayed flat in pigeon pose on the office floor at 7am, purple speedo sparkling in the morning light. You’ll never get to work early again.
All the looks
You literally can’t keep your hands off it. And boy, do you get all the judgy, coy, jealous, fascinated eyeballs.
Heart-wrenching breakups
Anxiety, road rage, high blood pressure? All gone, baby. This bike is hacking your stressful city life so hard, you have to give your therapist her notice. It clears a number on your speed dial, but you both take it really hard.
Super inappropriate reactions
You’re not supposed to be having a blast. Wipe that disgusting smile off your face right now, you’re embarrassing yourself.
We really messed up
Again, we at VanMoof deeply regret the damage caused by our new Electrified S. It’s cluster-bombed your life with so many awesome problems, we’ve lost count. Our bad.
Disclaimer: Please note the above list of awesome problems is not exhaustive. We’re still investigating the extent of the Electrified S situation, and will continue updating this page accordingly.
