Breaking Free

Casting Aside the Unnecessary Drama and Toxicity in Your Life

At first, this is going to read like a New Year’s resolution, but it’s actually going to be surprisingly easy for people to implement. No; I’m not talking about making New Year’s resolutions; New Year’s resolutions are made to be broken, so don’t make any. They sound good and read well on paper, but the instant we fail to follow through it creates a sense of failure, and the entire trite enterprise ends up backfiring. Leave New Year’s resolutions in the garbage with all that gift-wrapping paper from yesterday.

In late December, 2022, Americans are contending with and also fomenting a lot of unnecessary drama and toxicity. Much of this comes from the media, and even though we don’t like to admit it out loud, it even comes from people we know. Sometimes it comes from friends or even family. Toxic conduct and behavior is at an all-time high. People have unfortunately gotten into the habit of living a life filled with unnecessary and self-imposed drama, and it started to rise to an all-time high about three years ago. And many people simply can’t let it go.

Whether it’s driven by politics, social media, current events, or some other source, no matter where you turn, no matter where you go, you will eventually run into someone who — within a short period of time — will reveal themselves as being part of some larger group you want to avoid — because the “groupthink” within that group gives source to drama and toxicity for the people they come in contact with.

The Drama and Toxicity of Fear

People live in fear these days, so much so that it seems to be at an all-time high. They’re afraid of each other. They’re afraid of political parties. They’re obsessed with and afraid of presidents. They’re afraid of their neighbors. They’re afraid of the police. They’re afraid of their elected leaders. They’re afraid of people who aren’t like them. They’re afraid of people who don’t speak their language. They’re afraid of people who have different political beliefs. They’re afraid of people who disagree with them. They’re obsessed with and afraid of wars in foreign lands that are thousands of miles away from home and have nothing to do with their national security or day-to-day lives.

So many people these days seem to be motivated by fear. And they project their fears onto others, expecting them to be afraid too. Much of this stems from too much attention to “current events” that have no effect on them. People get their reality from looking at a television, a laptop, or a news app. And they usually follow those platforms and outlets that feed their appetites and tell them what they want to hear. It’s a reinforcing echo chamber. The media feeds the fear, and the fear fuels the “news.”

Disconnect. Close the door on it. Close the door on them. And walk away.

It’s time to for people to stop living in fear and obsession. What positive benefit does it provide? Live outside the culture of fear and obsession, and you will find happier days, an absence of drama, and peace and contentment.

Turn off the false narratives. Stop feasting on “news” that makes you angry and fearful. Leave that group of people who operate like an echo chamber where you feed off each other’s angst.

How do you do that? See below.

Break free from the drama and toxicity of fear.

The Toxicity of Social Media

Social Media operates like a cult. Despite what the platforms tell you, the sad truth is we are not as connected on our personal pages as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram would have us believe; I post, and you don’t see it; you post, and I don’t see it. Facebook decides what we get to see from our “friends” and what they get to see from us. Yet, we all see the things Facebook or Instagram wants us to see, like unsolicited advertisements or “friend suggestions.”

Twitter, on the other hand, in addition to censoring or silencing people, is literally a window into the minds of the deranged and unhinged. I closed my account over a year ago and escaped that very strange platform and its weird tendency to make the masses think they’re on the same level with presidents, leaders, veterans, professional athletes, and other people of accomplishment and public service.

This, in my view, is all strangely Orwellian.

But the stuff we do see tends to fall into a finite set of categories with similar groupthink. The social media “cults” generally fall into the following groups.

1. The Political Posters. Break away and avoid those ever-present political or social posts by “friends” who don’t share your political views and even those who do — since they are just as unsolicited most of the time. For instance, for the better part of three years now, we have been acutely reminded of this as “friends” have cluttered our social feeds with patronizing and self-righteous posts about what we need to do or what our position should be during the coronavirus outbreak or regarding the prior or current presidential administrations. These people are in a constant existential crisis of their own creation, and they want you to join them. Existential crises are accompanied by anxiety and stress, often to such a degree that they disturb one’s normal functioning in everyday life. Sound familiar? Either way, no matter who they are or where they fall out along the spectrum, admit it; their constant posts about politics and social issues are trite, vapid, patronizing, and above all, tiresome. They have absolutely no self-awareness. And the most ironic thing about these folks? They never engage in this behavior when you see them face to face. They have created a social media persona that might get them a lot of likes from similarly-minded people, but they know is not going to play well in the old fashioned world of the real world. It’s very revealing. Do you know anyone who fits this description?
2. The Self-Affirmers. Disconnect from and get beyond those other people who constantly use social media for self-affirmation. The “like” function is may be the worst invention social media platforms ever created. At one point in the distant past, when Facebook was fresh and new, people just put themselves out there. They posted. Without any expectation. No one sought a like, a thumbs-up, or some type of response. The “like” function opened a can of worms, indeed, it unleashed a genie that can’t be put back in the bottle. The people seeking self-affirmation are now blatantly and — at times — embarrassingly obvious. And although they are still likable at times, sometimes you just want to grab them in a headlock and give them a noogie like you did to your little brother when you were kids: “Come here ya little knucklehead! I love ya! You don’t need to post 27 times a day for that self-affirmation!”
3. The One-Uppers. Escape those people who feel the need to one-up or impress their “friends” by posting every time they eat at a swanky restaurant or go on yet another trip at totally random times of the year to that same place they go to every time they take a trip at that random time of year. “Holy shit. Does he/she actually do anything else,” you find yourself asking as you shake your head. Again. You know these folks; they’re also the ones who — when you post a picture of your family at Grand Teton National Park, for instance — feel compelled to comment and tell you where you need to have dinner in nearby Jackson Hole, or which trail to hike, since they’ve already been there and done that, etc.
4. The Oppositional “Friend” Who’s Really Just a Troll. Avoid the random, snarky comments made by “friends” who have nothing better to offer. Sometimes people are just oppositional or they’re going to feel the need to make unsolicited, non-sequitur, editorial comments. You say the ocean looks blue and the friend says it’s aqua. No matter what you say, the “friend” argues. Like that guy who every time you post a photo you snapped with your iPhone of say, the Blue Ridge Mountains at sunset, feels the need to ask, “Did you really take this picture or did you get it off the internet? Because my iPhone doesn’t take pictures this cool.” Yeah. That guy. Unplug.

Escape the folks who do nothing but inject drama and toxicity into your days and you will begin to notice a few things. First, you won’t spend so much of your time reaching for your phone to check the app to see what’s going on with your “friends.” How many times a day do you do this? Come on, be honest now. Take count one day and you will shock yourself at how much time you waste doing this.

You will read more. (If you like to read. Or if you once liked to read before you got on social media.) Think about it again. Since you got on social media, how many books have you actually read? Count them up. There’s absolutely no way you have read close to as many books as you used to read before you got on social media. Why? Because you don’t have any time to read books anymore because you are constantly on social media. (Scary, isn’t it?) Social media is dumbing everyone down; way down.

You will be happier. You will generally be happier because you will no longer be seeing the garbage that these people spew on social media. See above. Social media is like television “news” these days. They only put the most negative, controversial crap on your “feed” in an effort to get people all riled up.

Case in point. Turn on MSNBC, ABC, FOX, CBS, NBC, or CNN. All they do for the entire 24-hour “news” cycle is talk about why Republicans or Democrats are evil people. Facebook is no different; they feed you unsolicited “news” nuggets based on how they have you pegged politically (from gathering your personal posting and clicking history). Cut down the time you spend on social media, and you will be happier, and you won’t be mad at Republicans/Democrats/(political group you don’t agree with, etc.) every day.

You will have a better attitude. In the vacuum created by breaking away from the purveyors of drama and toxicity, you will actually have time to look at other people and maybe even speak to them. You will be shocked at how courteous and normal most people are in person, and you don’t even know what their political beliefs are. You will arrive home at night and think to yourself, “Damn! Today was pretty nice. I actually came in contact with some people I don’t know and they were NICE!”

Then you will smile. Then you will have a better attitude the next day. And this cycle will continue. Before you even realize it, you might have an improved outlook on life and people in general.

Break away from the cult of social media.

The Toxicity of Group Identity

Group identity refers to a person’s sense of belonging to a particular group. At its core, the concept describes social influence within a group. This influence may be based on some social category or on interpersonal interaction among group members. Consider universities and their athletic teams. In practical application, a student-athlete at a university that plays on the football or basketball team, for instance, may identity with his or her team during contests with rival schools. The players are actually part of a formal group that represents that university. They don’t have to identify with their university; they are their university on the court; the jersey they wear proclaims it.

Now, move outside the actual team to the fans and followers. They are no more part of the team than a resident of the Canary Islands, yet they feel the need to identify with the team. The team is the team, and they aren’t part of it, so they form a group that has as its main unifying characteristic identifying themselves with the team. This is one example of group identity.

The problem with group identity is it often devolves into a sort of tribalism in which people engage in cult-like beliefs and behavior. This, in turn, leads to conflict with people outside the group. What is it about the team that makes people want to become part of the group? The answer is that some people find part of their identity in that group and they attach emotionally to and even defend the “honor” of that group, even though it has nothing to do with them in reality.

Acting as a member of a certain group leads people to adopt that group’s priorities and motivations. So can we ever overcome group identity to change someone’s mind? Yes, but with logic and reason as opposed to emotion or fear. For example, studies have shown that when people in one political group were asked about opposing political opinions, many of them had increased activity in the region of the brain that processes emotion and fear.

The dark side of group identify comes when groupthink and subtle coercion or manipulation are used to keep individuals committed to the group, even when personal relations may start to deteriorate. These nuanced forces keep people from leaving the group. It can also lead to pressure and criticism when a member of the group is unwilling to conform to the established doctrine and expected behaviors within the group.

Break away from the people who engage in a form of group identity.

The bottom line is it doesn’t take some sort of difficult, concerted action to break away from the people who constantly inject drama and toxicity into your life. Sometimes you just have to stop engaging in certain behaviors and habits. But breaking away usually requires a complete break from someone who is engaging in these types of behavior, because the sad truth is, they are not going to change.

In 2023, break free from the toxic, uninvited drama people inject into your life. But in order to do this, you must be prepared to break free from the culprits, even the ones who might have once been called friends. Ultimately and in the final analysis, this involves casting aside the purveyors of toxicity themselves. And it is actually much easier than you might think.

Just do it. Delete that email address. Delete that phone or social media contact. Block it if necessary.

Just disconnect from the sources of the drama and toxicity.

And walk away.

Glen Hines is the author of five books, including the recently published Of Time and Rivers, and the highly-regarded Bring in the Gladiators, Observations From a Former College Football Player Who Was Never Able to Become a Fan, all available at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble. He is the writer and producer of the book and podcast Welcome to the Machine, available on most podcast platforms. His writing has also been featured in Sports Illustrated, Task & Purpose, and the Human Development Project.