HOW ANXIETY SHAPED MY PERSONALITY
We often box ourselves and the people in our lives into different categories according their personalities. I personally would not know which box I would put myself in. I feel like anxiety cannot be defined in fixed terminology because of the haphazard course it runs in every body.
How does one understand that anxiety is developing their personality? When does that point come in your life where you start recognising yourself and start walking the path of self-awareness? My journey started when I enrolled into a college in Mumbai. From never having to share my space with anyone to moving into a makeshift hostel with 5 people in each room was unfathomably difficult for me. The tiny room, the matchbox beds and timeworn cupboards manifested a constant urge to keep everything organised; a seemingly uptight personality was welcoming me with open arms. But all I found is comfort in that control that I exercised. There is no scope for any mess.
I would arrange my personal belongings in a particular order which I inevitably remembered. When someone would touch my things, I would get to know and that would always make me the butt of all jokes. I laughed with them, not realising why I should ever give the placement of my toiletries any space in my mind. Without red flagging it, I moved on to labelling myself as ‘a controlling weird girl, who is very difficult to live with’. Someone who cannot stand an unmade bed, or an unkempt wardrobe; or someone who would use her clothing pegs using colour coordination.
I have had, what most people casually refer to as, an inferiority complex, quite early on in my life. Low self esteem fed on my anxiety and ate away on my ability to concentrate. A doctor diagnosed me with ‘unexpressed anxiety’. None of us knew the meaning of this strange word dropped upon us. There was a brief trial with medication which died down soon, leaving me uninformed about the importance of mental health. Our conditioning had been such that we always believe that trouble belonged in the body; never in the head.
My anxiety escalated growing up. I would think of circumstances ahead of time to prepare myself for any feelings I might feel. I would feel out of place in social circles. I could not trust on anyone for being there for me. Everything boiled down to ‘how would anyone love an anxious person wholeheartedly?’. The caveats were not limited to few episodes but it was functioning with anxiety. Making space to accommodate the “extra” feelings of a person. The overthinking spiral of ‘how much is too much to ask of somebody?’. Would the person understand my feelings or am I going to be bombarded with a million alternatives and toxic positivity, invalidating my fears. Would I have the freedom to be heard without being tagged as ‘gotta walk on eggshells around her’?
It has been a struggle preventing myself from continuously cursing my personality. Being an inherent people pleaser, I cannot deal with the fact that my personality is not pleasing at all. Growing out of this has been one of the most conscious efforts I have undertaken. I still would not say that I have completely achieved the epitome of loving and accepting myself. If only more people understood that everyone lives their every day lives differently from each other. Any safe space for any of us would cease to exist without accepting that. It is constant work to surround myself with people who give me strength and not feed my insecurities. I keep oscillating between self-hatred and self-love. My peak anxious days would make me physically sick. Never would have I thought that I would have a throbbing migraine or cyclic vomiting because my brain cannot stop thinking about my fears and insecurities.
But does all of the above mean that I have lost the ability to find joy in anything and deserve to be labelled as a ‘sad person’ or a ‘crib baby’? No. The beauty built around this personality is that happiness is not mutually exclusive with anxiety. Being in a constant good mood doesn’t discount the on-going scuffle in my mind. I am trying to be empathetic to myself and stay afloat in my head everyday. A work-in-progress to be proud of all the parts of my personality. It is important to talk about it frequently because there are so many people living with anxiety like me; who cannot handle reading too much news, who cannot resist overthinking every word, and gesture undertaken to be against them, or who struggle to believe that the world is not designed to misunderstand them.
I have come to believe that I am a whole person who deserves to be loved and cared for, despite everything else. What no one likes to accept is that every person in this world has some amount of anxiety; some have more and some less. Only you don’t know which thought will win each day.
