I Was Birthed As A Coping Mechanism
I slid down the white, patched, cold wall knowing no one would catch me.
Through blurred vision and fever, I no longer saw the locked door but could sense the isolated trapping of me.
I began to fervently whisper, spit, blurt my suffering begging the nothing to listen and help me.
I don’t know how long I crouched, helpless and alone.
Then, I felt this presence behind me near my right shoulder. This presence felt like it was nodding and compassionate and hoping for me and letting me unload all of it, all of it.
And, I stopped the begging out of calm not exhaustion.
And, most of the presence left.
I’ve spent twenty years wondering who or what that was.
Was it Jesus or some other benevolent supernatural being who took pity on me that day?
Some say it was my inner voice. This never made sense to me because at that time, how I lived and how I thought about myself, other people, my situations would not lead to hope, care, deep understanding.
Another time, this presence visited, you can read a little about the next appearance here.
I wrote the piece I linked the day before a therapy appointment.
The main thing I wanted to discuss was why I was so cross with my most loving, sweet, kind, safe fiance so much.
I thought it was going to be a discussion about intentionality or gratitude.
Instead, I uncovered I disassociate.
There are parts of me who developed to process my traumas, and since I didn’t know they were there I ignored, invalidated, disrespected them.
So, in those moments of desperation of the part who is aware of a lot of my trauma and desperately seeks to end it, I was born.
The friend, the optimist, the love, the hope, the compassion, the peace.
But, I am not “all” or the “real” me.
I am also a part, here to teach what I contain and learn about their pain and process at a time when it does not traumatize me.
So, now it’s about better communication.
This morning I wanted to start the day with something fun for them, and we watched The Lego Movie 2 “Queen Rap To Batman About Superman Love” clip.
I think some smiled.
If some of this resonates with you, feel free to leave a comment or for a more private convo, email me @ veronicahaunani@gmail.com.
