Andy Warhol’s selling Burger King, Bob Dylan’s selling Budweiser, and we’ve all sold our souls
The Super Bowl reveals how we are all Maroon 5
Thoughts from comedian/writer Matt Ruby. Want more? Sign up here to get my newsletter.
Everyone’s shitting on Maroon 5. But they did exactly what they were supposed to do. Be anodyne. Harmless. Inoffensive. Don’t pull down the mask. Cash those checks. Fill time between the ads. Keep fooling us. Let us pretend this is exciting. Just be good enough that the wheel keeps turning.
Fire and lanterns and ONE LOVE and all that crap. Andy Warhol selling Burger King. Bob Dylan selling Budweiser. Don’t worry. Chew their food for ’em. No one’s gonna think too hard about it.
The jets doing a flyover. We all love America. Support the troops. Cut to the owner’s box. Look, the old man with money and the sons he will give it to when he croaks. The NFL is owned by old Republicans who donate to Trump while blackballing a QB who tries to call attention to the police shooting black men. Yawn. Pass the guac. Turn the page. Ford Trucks.
The only real thing happening in that stadium is grown men giving each other brain damage for our amusement. But hey, dog fighting is gross — because it’s dogs instead of humans I guess. They’re dying for us. Everything else around it is ribbons and bows. Everybody knows.
Avengers. Stella. Pepsi. “Watch all the ads your co-workers and friends will be talking about Monday.”
Man, I wish Big Boi had ripped off that fur coat and shown the world a Kaepernick jersey underneath. He’d be a hero. What could they have done? You can’t bleep a jersey. But nah, he played the game. America’s true anthem: Cash those checks. Don’t rock the boat. And we all tweet about it and eat some dip and wait for the next event that they tell us is important so marketing directors and ad agencies can collude to funnel Google commercials down our throats.
Ugh, those ads. “Look, it’s a 90’s celebrity. I used to feel things! Nostalgia! I was young once and this reminds me of that so now I feel good.” See you at the Oscars when we all pretend we care about whatever handicapped/minority/ethnic/oppressed group is up for celebration this year by a bunch of poseurs wearing borrowed jewelry while rich old white men own all the rights and use the cash to buy off politicians to give them tax cuts so they get even more money.
Of course we get Maroon 5. We deserve Maroon 5. I just ripped my shirt off. Look at all my tattoos. I am dangerous and edgy! Tattoos! Iconic sign of rebellion: Check! “I’ve got the moves like Jagger.” Have you seen Mick Jagger? Watch Crossfire Hurricane. Mick Jagger made teen girls wet their pants. Old ladies listen to Maroon 5 while doing water aerobics at the Y. Senator, I served with Mick Jagger. I knew Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Mick Jagger.
Sometimes I think the only person who really sees America for what it is and who we are is Vladimir Putin. Just send the electric bunny around the track and we’ll all giddyup after it.
T-Mobile. Audi. Planters. Olay.
Is this all sounding too gloom and doom? It ain’t all bad. Go put on Link Wray. Take some psychedelics. Log off this crap. Screw someone and do something naughty. Get drunk and talk. Hang out with kids. At least they tell the truth. Pick something that you chose and that wasn’t chosen for you by the machine. It’s out there. You just have to turn over some rocks. ONE LOVE. Not the Super Bowl lanterns version. The kind that grows in the weeds and that’s filled with worms. That’s where it’s at.
We’re all gonna be food for the worms eventually. It’s cool. Just don’t waste your time on your way to being dirt on a bunch of BS that no one really cares about so capitalism can squeeze your blood for a few extra nickels that let some billionaire build a doomsday shelter in New Zealand that keeps him safe when the shit hits the fan and leaves you banging at the gates wondering how it all went down this way.
It’s going down that way right now and we are all witnesses. We are all Maroon 5 unless we make an active choice to stop being Maroon 5.
Turbotax. Microsoft. Avocados from Mexico.
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