Welcome to Video Games Are Awful
Welcome to Video Games Are Awful where we answer the burning question on your mind: Is Fortnite actually the worst game ever? That’s how we operate here. Just kidding! Actually, We’re going to talk about video games here in a general sense but in a needlessly reductive, not joking way. Over the passed few years, I’ve enjoyed the discussion around videos especially from a critical perspective but I’m a bit too dumb to take a deep dive and see what a game is really saying. Instead, I’m going to talk about games in a very face-value kind of way.
To lead every review, I’ll post a First Hour video. I like the First Hour format especially as it relates to this format. One component of reviews that I have struggled with in the past is the very mundane process of explaining what a game is. On some level, I get that you need to just explain what a game is so readers can come to a review with no knowledge but it’s so weird to do sometimes. How many times and different ways can I explain what a twin-stick shooter rogue-like is? In the most ideal scenario, I want to devote all my actual writing time talking about what makes the game interesting instead of trying to translate a gameplay idea into words. All this to say that especially when coming into a game fresh, the First Hour will be like “required reading,” as it were, for the rest of the review. You might not need the whole video for every game to understand the review or you might only need to watch the video to get your impressions. These two things will, hopefully, work hand in hand.
Onto the actual bit about the games. To keep this structured and on track, I’m going to be talking about games as they fit into three categories: Gameplay, narrative, and aesthetic. Gameplay is probably the most self explanatory of the three. Does a game have good hand-feel? Does the left trigger right trigger motion have something to it? The first section will be devoted to the interactive part of the interactive medium. Narrative is a section that I was having trouble fitting in here, honestly. This is obviously the story but especially a lot of smaller games I’ve been playing have completely ignored a narrative of any kind. Even when there is a story, I’m the dumb one that can’t connect the dots on basic stories. What I’m saying is, expect this part to be a winner in every review. Finally, I’ll be crushing all the audio and visual style into an aesthetic category. Games usually have a cool soundtrack or a distinctive art style and I like that stuff so I’m going to talk about it. Sometimes it’s only one or the other or the smallest thing like one part of the HUD is cool and, like, that’s it.
Once I make it through all that nonsense, I’ll put everything together and end up at a final review “score.” Over the years, I’ve been exposed to a variety of different review scales. 100 point scales, 1–10, 5 stars with half steps, buy it rent it pass it; All kinds of stuff. I generally find scores to be a bit frustrating because reducing a game to a number is such a ridiculous idea. BUT this whole thing is aiming to be a bit ridiculous so we’re going to get to a “score” at the end. To sum up these reviews, I’m going to decide if games are awful or not. I’ll literally distill a game down to a yes or a no. Unfortunately, everything about this new review destination is about being fun and crazy and I’m hoping saying a game is awful will come across as funny and a joke but maybe it won’t and we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Saying something is awful seems so hateful and that’s definitely not the intent. Except Rogue Warrior. That game is kind of awful.
And that will be that. My reviews will hopefully not have dumb introductions or conclusions. I will literally end a review with, “So, what I’m saying is Forza Motorsport 7 is not awful. Goodbye.” and that will be it. Get ready for the Michael Macasiano versus games experience, I’m sure these will all go over well. Jeez, how do you end a blog post? This is why I don’t want to do this conclusion thing. I’m so bad at this what ever this is. This, boys and girls, is what happens when you don’t get an education in writing. You completely fall apart at the end or probably somewhere in the middle. Pro tip: Get an editor so they can just tell you, “this sucks, do it over.” Alright well I’m… gonna go. The first review will be for Red Faction . I’ll see you then. See you? Sure!
