Kitchen Rules for the Office
Oh the humanity.
Years ago, in an office kitchen that is blissfully far far away from me at this point, we would have to have mandatory fridge cleanings on a monthly basis. People would leave insane amounts of food and drink stuffed into every corner, leaking onto every surface, and abandoned it seemed as quickly as the door had been strong-armed into shutting. One month the impetus for clean out was the growing suspicion that something once living was now dead and using our fridge as a tiny morgue.
The smell had nearly knocked our customer service lead over when she went to retrieve milk for her coffee, and so she was the one to shout in all caps into our general Slack channel “FRIDGE CLEAN OUT IS HAPPENING NOW BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL DISGUSTING.” It was aggressive but warranted.
A few of us begrudgingly came to start the removal process. This is the short list of what was taken out:
- 3 different gallons of milk or milk-like products, all at least 1 week past expiration
- raspberries never opened but fully enjoyed by a growing culture of the fuzziest, softest mold you’ve ever seen
- 1/2 a patty melt and 3 shriveled fries taking up 1/4 of a styrofoam container
- a nearly full Kombucha which had never been technically opened but had still managed to leak continuously creating a sticky platform that all the condiments now shared on the door shelf
- 1 full family sized bag of spinach that was now just a sack of brown water and slime.
- Various flotsam and jetsam of unknown origin
- and our death maker — a SINGLE SHRIMP, on a piece of iceberg lettuce in an open container at the back of the fridge.
I’m sure you won’t find it shocking to believe that no one would claim the shrimp as their own (we all knew who it was. It was Rob.) Opening it outside of the fridge environment unleashed the smell into the entirety of the office, an office with no functioning windows, and required disposal in the outside dumpster where it immediately attracted several mangy looking birds. Who are no doubt dead by now. This single example leads us to our 1st rule:
1. NO SWIMMING THINGS.
Nothing that originated from a pond, stream, lake, or sea has a place in the office kitchen. Not as leftovers from home, not as a takeaway from lunch. Why? Because we don’t trust you to ever retrieve it from the fridge where it will also die a second death, taking all your work colleagues happiness with it.
And God help you if you’ve ever felt brazen enough to put any form of fish in the microwave. Who raised you? Do you have anosmia?! The rest of us don’t. Act accordingly.
2. MICROWAVE BANS
- FISH. (in case you forgot.) The smell is amplified in the heat.
- Brussel Sprouts. The smell is amplified in the heat.
- Broccoli. The smell is amplified in the heat.
It’s a theme.
Also,
- Popcorn for longer than 2 minutes and 30 seconds. That is SERIOUSLY all it needs.
- Cake in a Mug Pinterest hacks. Why would you torture your office with the smell of cake when what comes out of that mug isn’t anything close to being cake?
- Full bowls of anything liquid. It’s going to splatter, and you’re not going to clean it up.
3. DO YOUR OWN DISHES
The audacity of a person who feels comfortable putting their dirty dishes in a shared office sink and walking away is astounding.
Would you set your dishes on a colleagues desk and walk away?
You’re basically doing the same thing by putting them in the sink because someone that you work with will eventually relent and do your dishes because they can’t stand it anymore. They can’t stand you either. You suck.
4. LABEL IT ALREADY
If you bring something to work, and you don’t intend for it to be shared, put your name on it. Yes. it’s childish and seems ridiculous that you’d have to label your items so other adults don’t take them.
You have to remember the people that we’re dealing with put fish in the microwave. THEY DON’T PLAY BY THE RULES.
5. BRING ONLY WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE
Why are you bringing full gallons of milk into the office? Is a full dozen eggs necessary? Hooray, you meal prepped! Why are your meals for the entire week in the office fridge on a Monday? The fridge is a shared space and shared by many in some cases so if you use it consider it a single day pass. Whatever you bring in the morning should be gone when you leave in the evening. Want to leave milk for your coffee? How about just a pint of it you dairy swilling psychopath. Like a variety of salad dressings at your fingertips? Go to a salad bar.
This doesn’t just apply to the shared fridge, countertops, pantry space, shelving, it’s all limited. Don’t put 3 boxes of cereal up there, don’t leave 4 bags of bread with just the heals swimming around in the plastic, don’t forget that you already have 3 jars of half-eaten peanut butter living rent-free in there.
6. SPILL THINGS - CLEAN THEM UP
Things get spilled, we won’t murder you for it. When you spill, liquid or solid things, clean them up. These may be little things that you don’t notice: the 1/4 teaspoon of coffee grounds you lose transferring them from the grinder to your precious pour-over, the water you just let keep flowing out of the cooler after pulling your glass away, the crumbs for your burnt piece of toast that are actually not intended to haunt the countertop forever. I could go on. But I won’t. Hopefully, the concept of you making a mess and then cleaning up your mess is clear by now.
7. FULL TRASH CANS DON’T GROW INVISIBLE TOPS
I assure you, that if a trash can is full to the point that it barely closes that it does not grow 2 feet of imaginary lining to hold in the trash that you’re now piling on top of it. Oh, you want to use that trash can for your trash? Then you can take the current bag out and add a new one, then put your very important trash in the new bag. Feel free to take the old bag out. Same for the recycling.
That’s it. Just 7 rules, that we consider to be crucial in the Zipline office. If your colleagues need a reminder, feel free to circulate this as a passive aggressive refresher course in shared kitchen manners. Have a horror story of your own? Let us know in the comments! Did we neglect your number one shared kitchen rule? Share below!
