Affirmation Desperation
or, “Negative Positive Reinforcement”
When I say that I have a good sense of humor, a small voice inside (channeling the voice of Marcel the Shell) offers a “compared to what” to keep me in check. Being funny is itself a funny thing, for there is not really a measurable universal standard. Humor is interesting because quite often it functions on the most basic level of affirmation. If someone is funny, you typically laugh at the things they say or do, thus literally affirming their status as a “funny person” with the audible reaction you give. I distinctly remember one of the first times I realized I might be considered funny. During a discussion of Adam and Eve in middle school, specifically how Eve was formed “bone of bone” from Adam, I interjected, “I bet Adam suggested they go out for ribs for dinner to celebrate”. I can’t remember why I said it. I don’t think it was intentionally to make the people around me laugh. I had developed a keen sense of observational humor and irony (for a middle schooler at least) and it made sense in the situation to wryly offer up the comment. I’m sure I had made people laugh before then, whether intentionally or unintentionally, but the auditory feedback of the laughter of a dozen or so people, including older students and adults, provided a rush of affirmation which unearthed a desire to try and recreate my success at landing a good joke as often as possible.
Over time I’ve learned the prudence of tempered self-assesment. I recognize my often quirky sense of humor won’t mix well in all environments, and I use this knowledge to pare and prune my instinctual responses when necessary. I’ve come to learn one danger of trying to be funny is the addiction to affirmation. Often my attempts at humor are covers for attempts at being likable, fun or winsome. Sometimes it fails spectacularly, but unfortunately, the size of the foot in my mouth is nowhere near as big as the hands that pat me on the back when I hit the mark. Affirmation is one of the most universally sought after things in the world, and we’re naturally inclined to do almost anything to receive it.
Jon Acuff, an author and speaker based in Nashville, lends similar insight. In his book “Quitter”, he explains how he used Google Analytics (GA) to track activity on his blog, Stuff Christians Like, and how the useful tool to measure growth and reader involvement actually had some unintended consequences:
At first it was ok. I would check in a few times every day to see if I was getting a lot of comments, see how the pageviews numbers were, and measure a few other key stats. I’d get a little hit of adrenaline every time I saw something spike on the graph and a little hit of depression every time something I wrote bottomed out. I liked seeing the instant feedback so much that I started to check GA every few hours. Then every hour and then every few minutes. I started to see the statistics not as a measure of my blog traffic but as a measure of my self worth…I decided to go back to my counselor and talk about it… “If your readers give you affirmation, if they leave nice comments or affirm you with good traffic, you misappropriate that and use it to feel better about yourself. So that’s essentially an attack because you’re using it to cripple your innate self-worth…”
One of the worst offenders of this affirmation desperation is, of course, social media. Let us for a moment consider the number 11. Heavy Instagram users immediately know it is the shift at which the number of “likes” your photo has garnered changes from being represented as a list of usernames to just a number. As the marketing website ClickZs put so well (emphasis mine):
The number 11 represents a simple but important tipping point. Once you earn 11 likes on Instagram for a photo that you’ve posted, the service shrinks down the likes from a list of your friends’ handles to a number. I’m sure Instagram was simply applying good design principles to its Web interface, but unbeknownst to the platform, it has created a powerful form of social validation. The number 11 now represents when your Instagram image has hit a certain level of credibility.
Last year, Shauna Niequist wrote what I believe is one of the most important articles any young person growing up inundated with social media can read. Her charge is to stop presenting your life as being so desirable, enviable or even “perfect”. Approaching Instagram or Facebook as a means to prove your worth or value (whether you admit this is your purpose or not) is simply a plea for affirmation. The New York Times also broaches this subject, explaining the developing “culture” of Instagram in particular:
Viewers, meanwhile, are expected to let the sumptuous photos wash over them and chip in with comments (“Gorgeous sunset!”) and heart-shape “likes,” which function as a form of social currency, reinforcing the idea that every shot is a performance worthy of applause. The result is an online culture where the ethic is impress, rather than confess.
Just like being funny, social media can be used as a tool to impress other people, and I believe this is potentially catestrophic. I personally use Facebook a lot, and if there was a dedicated physical button to launch Instagram on my phone, I would need to have it replaced on a biannual basis. Especially with Instagram, I love the melding of creativity, social sharing, curation and information it offers, but there is definitely a fine line. I didn’t say there is a definitive line, because it is a two way street. I don’t think anyone should post on social media (or tell jokes for that matter) for the sole purpose of the perceived positive feedback they will receive. Simultaneously, it is not right to scroll through your newsfeed with your eyes pre-positioned to roll at the first “Look at me and all of the people I know having the best time of anyone’s life ever in this crazy location which no one has ever done before #bejealous #insecurity” caption you see.
Enter prudence. Take a moment and read a few articles (like this one or any of the aforementioned pieces) and self-assess. Using social media as a test is a good idea, because currently it is the most accessible example of seeking affirmation for anyone with a wifi connection. Instead of attempting to impress a specific, small audience, the internet allows you to cast a world wide web net for comments and likes. Take anyone’s opinion with a grain of salt, because there are no set rules on proper social media usage. My personal guidelines include only “following” people I am friends with, interested in or inspired by, and not people who will make me jealous. Jealousy tends to encourage the instinct to want your own positive affirmation, which should be a red flag. I post things I am interested in and experiences I have which I want to remember. And I try to implement my creativity into the things I share. But it can be a difficult task determining when something is appropriate and when it is showing off. I believe the first step to avoiding the misuse of social media is to be aware of your own desire for affirmation, and choosing not to post things when affirmation is your primary goal
Not all humor is of the “ha ha” or “lol” kind. The dark satire of the desire for affirmation? One of the most negative things we can seek out is positive reactions and opinions of others, because it is a shaky and deceptive foundation which will not support you for long.
