Visibilia
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Visibilia

Rumblestrip

Sometimes things get worse before they get better

This one is a little difficult to write

I’m gonna do my best to be honest

I’ve basically been staring at this blinking cursor for the last year trying to find a way to articulate what this experience was like

To set the stage, this is about a year into the whole accident bullshit

At this point I’ve lost my house because when Doris — bless her heart — sent the rent bill it said the balance due was $1,000, and when I looked in my account it said the actual balance was $189

You see the problem

So I moved back in my parents’ guest room

(Insult to injury, it was my old room)

Now I’m driving an hour each way everyday to work and back and I’m working as much as humanly possible to pay for tens of thousands of dollars of medical bills and there seems to be a new one everyday

The latest $10,000 quote is an operation to correct the “distortion of the vermillion border” — that’s medspeak for fixing the serrated edge where I bit through my lip enough to get 16 stitches and a weird ass scar

So anyway here I am in the car

Twenty-two years old and looking very forty

Going 75 in a 65 and still getting passed by the cops so I guess we’re fine?

Look at myself in the rearview

The same bloodshot, tired eyes I saw in the mirror this morning

Ready to die

Suddenly I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling

Branches through the windshield

I’m thrown from the vehicle

And then I snap out of it

Gently guide the car back off the rumblestrip

That was weird, I feel like I should call someone

Let’s try Mom

Ring

Ring

Ring

Straight to voicemail

Damn

I hang up

Take another peak in the rearview — we’re good right?

Sure

I tug the wheel a little to the right until

I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling

Branches through the windshield

I’m thrown from the vehicle

And then I snap out of it

Hold it together man, only 30 minutes until you’re home

Call someone

Okay let’s try Geno this time

Ring

Ring

Ring

Straight to voicemail

Fuck

Turn up the music and just fucking get home

Glance in the rearview — I could swear this motherfucker smirks at me and then

I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling

Branches through the windshield

I’m thrown from the vehicle

And then I snap out of it

See where this is going?

It’s difficult to write about because it’s basically like here’s all my cards

It’s hard to explain the urge to hurt yourself

That the same voice responsible for pulling your hand away from the hot stove can quietly whisper to you to do it

Twist it jerk it bop it anything but this just fucking do it

A lot of people experience these types of urges

These types of emotions

I hope I can do us some justice by saying a few words

So now you’re in on my lowest point

I did this drive every day

I would hear the rumblestrip and in a flash I would see the mangled car and all the blood and teeth

The yellow caution tape

Red and blue lights

At least do the fucking job this time

It just seemed like that would hurt less than waking up again

And doing this fucking drive AGAIN

And seeing the pain and sleepless nights in every last red vein of the bloodshot eyes in the rearview mirror

I’m literally just trying to keep teeth in my mouth much less food

I’m going 75 in a 65 and I’m getting passed by a Suburban with TruckNuts™️ so I guess we’re fine?

I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling

Branches through the windshield

I’m thrown from the vehicle

And then I hear it

A chime of hope

My phone rings — FINALLY

Who’s calling?

Mom

Thank the goddess

I pick it up

“Hey Mom — “

“Hey honey, how are you?”

800–273–8255

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see for yourself

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dominicdimaria

dominicdimaria

quiet loudmouth

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