Jan 8
Rumblestrip
Sometimes things get worse before they get better
This one is a little difficult to write
I’m gonna do my best to be honest
I’ve basically been staring at this blinking cursor for the last year trying to find a way to articulate what this experience was like
To set the stage, this is about a year into the whole accident bullshit
At this point I’ve lost my house because when Doris — bless her heart — sent the rent bill it said the balance due was $1,000, and when I looked in my account it said the actual balance was $189
You see the problem
So I moved back in my parents’ guest room
(Insult to injury, it was my old room)
Now I’m driving an hour each way everyday to work and back and I’m working as much as humanly possible to pay for tens of thousands of dollars of medical bills and there seems to be a new one everyday
The latest $10,000 quote is an operation to correct the “distortion of the vermillion border” — that’s medspeak for fixing the serrated edge where I bit through my lip enough to get 16 stitches and a weird ass scar
So anyway here I am in the car
Twenty-two years old and looking very forty
Going 75 in a 65 and still getting passed by the cops so I guess we’re fine?
Look at myself in the rearview
The same bloodshot, tired eyes I saw in the mirror this morning
Ready to die
Suddenly I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling
Branches through the windshield
I’m thrown from the vehicle
And then I snap out of it
Gently guide the car back off the rumblestrip
That was weird, I feel like I should call someone
Let’s try Mom
Ring
Ring
Ring
Straight to voicemail
Damn
I hang up
Take another peak in the rearview — we’re good right?
Sure
I tug the wheel a little to the right until
I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling
Branches through the windshield
I’m thrown from the vehicle
And then I snap out of it
Hold it together man, only 30 minutes until you’re home
Call someone
Okay let’s try Geno this time
Ring
Ring
Ring
Straight to voicemail
Fuck
Turn up the music and just fucking get home
Glance in the rearview — I could swear this motherfucker smirks at me and then
I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling
Branches through the windshield
I’m thrown from the vehicle
And then I snap out of it
See where this is going?
It’s difficult to write about because it’s basically like here’s all my cards
It’s hard to explain the urge to hurt yourself
That the same voice responsible for pulling your hand away from the hot stove can quietly whisper to you to do it
Twist it jerk it bop it anything but this just fucking do it
A lot of people experience these types of urges
These types of emotions
I hope I can do us some justice by saying a few words
So now you’re in on my lowest point
I did this drive every day
I would hear the rumblestrip and in a flash I would see the mangled car and all the blood and teeth
The yellow caution tape
Red and blue lights
At least do the fucking job this time
It just seemed like that would hurt less than waking up again
And doing this fucking drive AGAIN
And seeing the pain and sleepless nights in every last red vein of the bloodshot eyes in the rearview mirror
I’m literally just trying to keep teeth in my mouth much less food
I’m going 75 in a 65 and I’m getting passed by a Suburban with TruckNuts™️ so I guess we’re fine?
I hear the rumblestrip thunder past underneath and next thing I know the car is rolling
Branches through the windshield
I’m thrown from the vehicle
And then I hear it
A chime of hope
My phone rings — FINALLY
Who’s calling?
Mom
Thank the goddess
I pick it up
“Hey Mom — “
“Hey honey, how are you?”
