Bisexuality On Intersection(s)
Our sexuality doesn’t exist in the vacuum — it occupies man-made culture, intersects with multiple parts of self and humanity and colours people’s perception of others.
We all dwell on the intersection(s) of multitude — sexuality is simply one piece of a beautiful puzzle we call life. And there are no templates to living it.
In my Bi & Prejudice book I talk a lot about various intersections in my life, including my cultural heritage, white privilege, childhood trauma, mental health, my sex and gender expression, and more.
I believe that some of the most interesting experiences and stories dwell here — within numerous intersections of who we are.
Sometimes, our sexuality takes a front row of importance and sometimes it swaps places with something else. For example, for the majority of my life, being a (cis)woman posed the most challenge and demanded the most attention. Intertwined with being born in Russia and in my family specifically at the time I was brought to Earth, my sex determined the level of my education, quality of my life and skills, my looks and even my purpose. My independence and creativity were rudimental to what was expected of me in the culture I was born into.
Moreover, as a childhood trauma survivor, the majority of my life had been dedicated to staying alive and keeping silent and small.
My sexuality almost didn’t matter. It also was unclear and not obvious to me.
My sexuality was pushed down and away, preceded by more pressing parts of myself.
Only when I started to feel a certain level of safety in my own skin (and the environment around me), my sexuality started to surface and nudge me to pay attention. When I did, it was staring me right in the eye. It was loud and clear, obvious and terrifying.
I met my sexuality on the intersection with my cultural heritage and childhood trauma — to name a few — each pulling and pushing, like impatient children.
As I continue talking about this in the community, I realise the depth and extend of the complexity and the impossibility to simplify humanity. There is simply no-one-size-fit-all anything — we are complex and we are an assembly of experiences, moving parts and identities. And I don’t want to boil it down to anything. I love the complexity of being a human.
Since writing the Bi & Prejudice, I have been speaking with many bi+ people who highlight different parts and intersections at different times in their lives. For some, being trans has been the most important part of self, while others are most focused on being a queer parent, some find it challenging to embrace own sexuality while in relationship, others are detangling their polyamory from their sexuality, many are navigating challenging mental health and the patriarchy, racism, impacts of colonialism, body shaming and bad ideas — all engage, intersect with and impact who we are.
I believe that understanding our intersections is vital to our wellbeing and empowerment.
Realising my intersections and the relationships within helps me address bierasure and biphobia better.
For instance, learning and accepting that I am frightened by most cis het men helps me push back with ease when people say I turned lesbian because I refuse to date men. More clarity and awareness of numerous intersections in my life help me feel righteous in my fluidity.
Most importantly, I no longer feel the need to be understood.
I understand me.
The rest of the world can Google things.
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