Fifty Shades of Bi
I am not talking about kinky bisexuals, because — and this may surprise some people — your sexuality isn’t responsible for your kinkiness or any other lifestyle choices, traits or interests.
I want to talk about all the different ways bisexuals are in the world to give you a better idea of all the possibilities and, hopefully, ignite your desire to learn more and label less.
You may remember Fifty Shades of Grey (book and later film), an erotic romance novel by British author E. L. James. It became the first installment in the Fifty Shades novel series that follows the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. By the time I heard about it, it was so popular and hot that I felt a little nervous watching it. I was wildly underwhelmed.
Today’s conversation isn’t about some fictional character who loves a little BDSM. No! In fact, I want to explore ALL the shades of bi together with you. But Fifty Shades title sounded better, so here we are.
A while back, I ran a survey on the Bi & Prejudice Instagram filled with different life scenarios, each presented with one question “is this bisexual?”
A large portion of answers was “yes”, a smaller one was “no” and only a couple of people sent me a private message stating something seemingly obvious: “Anna, we don’t know how those people identify” — this was the whole point of the survey.
This is also why we won’t be able to uncover ALL the shades, types and flavours of bi+ people, but let’s explore a few to tickle our imagination together.
I wasn’t being sneaky in my Instagram survey. I tried to illustrate how easy it’s to categorise and classify others.
It’s human to yearn to identify — it’s an important in-build skill that has kept us alive (amongst many other biological and psychological mechanisms). Therefore, I think it’s okay to get things wrong.
What matters is to continue learning thyself and the world around you, enriching your understanding, compassion and curiosity.
So, how do we know if someone’s bisexual?
We don’t. Unless that someone tells us.
Most importantly, we truly don’t need to know — our sexual orientation isn’t that important for others to know or understand. Sharing your blood type with your medical advisor sounds like a need but not your sexuality.
However, of course, it matters to many people — including myself — to be able to exist as our true selves; and that includes our sexuality.
So, if you are feeling an urge to know someone’s sexuality, it may be helpful to book an appointment with your therapist to help explore it or sit down by the fire, in the forest, meditate (whatever else helps you think) and interrogate your urge.
With that urge explored, let’s move on to browsing different bisexual experiences, which — I hope — can offer a curious glimpse into humanity.
To me, bisexuality homes but doesn’t consume many different experiences. It may differ for you.
To me, bisexuality is my internal and innate potential to experience different degree and flavours of attraction — sexual, romantic, platonic — to all and any people regardless of their sex, gender expression and/or sexuality. Sometimes, my attraction is impacted by someone’s sex, gender expression and/or sexuality and sometimes it isn’t, and there are degrees of that as well. Bisexuality equals fluidity, to me.
Let me give you an example and kick off our exploration of different bisexuals.
“Turning Off” My Male Gaze
After a lifetime of relationships with opposite sex people and a sprinkle of fleeting and steamy encounters with same sex people, I initially settled on “straight woman who finds women beautiful” sort of definition of my sexuality.
You see, heterosexuality was a phase for me. I grew out of it, eventually. Jokes aside, I was confirming to what my family and peers expected of me. I embodied other people’s ideas of me. I believe this is a type of abuse.
In the end I settled on bisexuality. If we leaned on Google, more accurate English word for my sexuality would be omnisexual.
However, to me, bisexuality homes but doesn’t consume all other multisexual experiences. That doesn’t imply that I won’t believe or respect someone else’s definition if it differs from mine. We can co-exist without invalidating one another. This is what diversity means.
Alongside of embodying my true sexuality, other areas of my life started to fall into place, such as mental health, career, and even my own personal, intimate meaning of life. I started to accept and stopped blaming myself for the childhood trauma I didn’t choose and started to heal.
A big part of my childhood trauma is connected to (and caused by) cis heterosexual men. To take my time off pleasing and serving them and be able to hear myself for the first time, I reduced my interaction with male population to the minimal: you know, coffee barristers, client calls and an occasional friend, while increasing my encounters with cis women, trans people and nonbinary folk. As I started to feel safer in my new company, I began to nurture the most important relationship in my life — with my self. Is there a sexuality for it?
Of course, I cannot turn off my sexuality. Remember, bisexuality doesn’t mean half-gay and/or half-straight or switchy. Bisexuality is a potential. Right now I am not expanding mine on cis het men. Moreover, as I am triggered by most men’s presence in the room, it’s easy to ignore them as potential romantic and/or sexual partners while busy self soothing and working through my experiences. Not to mention, as it turns out, very few cis het men know how to talk to women.
As I was sharing my feelings with a bisexual friend one night, they asked me “dear, maybe you are just gay?”
I am just bisexual.
And all you need to do is believe me. No quizzes are required.
The Bisexual Truth
I remember getting close and intimate with a cis woman who identified as straight. Our encounter didn’t seem to change her mind. At the time, I insisted she considered our experiences together as a hint of her straight-less. I know better today: what other people choose to disclose isn’t something I must demand nor am I entitled to.
As I was sharing this story with a bisexual person, they asked me if that woman’s behaviour added to bi erasure and/or she was simply biphobic. They even got a little angry.
I don’t know.
I know that I want to have enough safe space for all of us to be whoever we want to be, change our minds, test waters, try out different identities.
If someone doesn’t neatly fit into your definition of bisexuality, maybe we can expand our understanding and definitions or let someone use their own.
I am told that if everyone creates their own definitions, we won’t know what is the truth.
I am genuinely not worried about it because I understand that there are over seven billions of truths.
We aren’t talking about the temperature of the water freezing but humanity, which is a lot more fluid, intricate, interesting, changing, growing, exploring. There is no one truth. So, why are you seeking it? What is your truth?
Let me add a little bit of a speculative nuance to the story of my encounter with the straight woman: I didn’t ask the woman why she identified the way she did. However, she may have not felt comfortable identifying as anything else, her sexual encounters may not signal sexuality to her, maybe she didn’t care what I thought — you get the idea!
I don’t need to guess. Her sexuality is hers alone.
Curious & Flexible
My short-lived online dating experience introduced me to people who identify as bicurious and heteroflexible, someone who is predominately heterosexual but curious about engaging with other sexes.
Those terms offended one of my bisexual friends.
I sat to feel for those words. What do they make me feel?
Amongst many other insults bi+ people experience, being called unstable and/or cheaters happens a lot. And sometimes lesbians call bisexuals tourists, because, as I was told “we make them fall in love and then leave for a man”.
Bisexual people are often blamed for people’s own insecurities and lack of therapy.
The problem is that we often embody the insults and accusations.
My sexuality isn’t a vacation. Other people’s mental health challenges don’t justify the mistreatment. Words can be both powerful and confusing.
If someone is curious about their sexuality, I am excited. I think more words can help blur the lines between monosexual and multisexual experiences. Maybe bicurious and heteroflexible is a start of something new and helpful.
My friend isn’t convinced. And you may feel differently as well.
All guests (aka feelings) are welcome.
As for cheaters, anyone can be cheating but not everyone who is cheating is bisexual. Your suspect is often a cis het man.
Far More Than Fifty Shades
There are also people who don’t experience romantic and/or sexual attraction and also identify as bisexual. That is why I love being bisexual — my sexuality homes everyone who is looking for home. Or you can build your own.
Some asexuals and aromantics are bisexual and/or biromantic, others — not. But the same rules apply when it comes to understanding other people’s intricate identities — listen and believe.
There are also people who may have no safe ways to learn more about themselves — from violent states and unsafe homes to unmet needs and limited opportunities — some people may be surviving right now and sexuality is the last item on their list. This once was true for me: I couldn’t care less about my girl crushes or daily confusions — I had to ensure my safety in an unstable home and dangerous country.
This is why you and I cannot possible be not queer enough or baby queer or come out too late — your life is all you have! And it’s worthy and valid. And there are no two lives that are the same.
I know many bisexual people today still feel unsure and somewhat confused. I sometimes do too. What I have learnt is to remember that there are more ways to be bisexual than I have ever known and it’ll probably take me a lifetime to see them all. Also, I know now that my sexuality deserves a shiny spotlight amongst everyone else.
While some may not recognise me as bisexual or believe me, I know who I am. And if I change my mind, it will be as true as my experiences right now.
Language will continue to evolve. As more words continue to offer more linguistic opportunities for us to communicate our experiences, more identities will emerge. It doesn’t mean those are complete aliens. It means that our understanding of self is deepening and widening. Fifty shades of bi+ ins’t even close to all the ways bisexuals are.
Visible Bi+ is a space for members of the Bi+/MSpec community to share their voices. We’re striving to increase authentic visibility and dispel the many misconceptions which fuel biphobia and bi-erasure. Join us and SHARE YOUR STORY!
