You’re not just tired, it is burnout.

Hi, my name is Darius and I’m the CEO of Vitality Therapeutics. A year ago I went through a severe burnout which resulted in me starting this company and dedicating my energy to improving our collective mental health with a remarkable team.

Burnout (or work-induced depression) is shockingly common. When I first spoke publicly about burnout, I was astonished by how many people reached out and said they’re going through something similar. Burnout is not binary, it’s a scale. It’s no longer a mystery or shameful to admit that we’re all on this scale and it fluctuates throughout our careers.

Here’s my burnout story:

It’s a beautiful August day. I’m sitting in my home office. Chill day, no big responsibilities. To be honest, the only thing I really have to do is to respond to an email. I have to open my mail, type “yes” and afterwards enjoy some carpentry that I’ve been looking forward to. The email is not even that important, the decision is not difficult. I sit down at the desk, open my computer and stare at the screen. Strangely, I can’t get myself to type anything. A little surprised, I just sit there for hour, staring out of the window. I’m not physically paralyzed, but my mind won’t let me do anything. I can theoretically move my hands and fingers, but I can’t get myself to type an answer to this fucking email. At this point I’m starting to freak out.

This was The Day I realized I was burnt out. Burn out is just an overachiever word for depression (usually induced by work). I have had symptoms, obvious ones, for months. People even told me what it might be, but depression wasn’t in my dictionary, it wasn’t in my universe. I ignored the symptoms until my mind clearly said “no, we are going address these issues”.

In this post I will share:

1. What the symptoms were
2. What I did to begin my healing journey
3. The epiphany about what I call the Micros and Macros of Life.
4. How I got back on track
5. List of tools that helped me

1. What The Symptoms Were

For months leading up to The Day, I had pretty obvious symptoms and would have probably been easily diagnosed if I only accepted what was happening. I will categorize the symptoms into physiological and emotional.

Physiological symptoms:

• Trouble sleeping well. I kept waking up throughout the night and struggled to get rest. My Oura ring data also confirmed this.
• Even if I slept for 8, 9 or 10 hours, I still wasn’t feeling rested in the morning.
• Slow recovery from exercise. My heart rate was high and HRV was low after exercise, more than usual.
• Lower pain back created by the tension in my stomach.
• Shallow, rapid breathing patterns.

Emotional:

• Constantly low energy. It didn’t matter if I slept for 8 hours, exercises, took a nap…I was still tired. This was the worst for me. I used to define myself by the amount of explosive energy and enthusiasm. That was now gone.
• Inability to feel joy from things that I used to enjoy.
• Chronically elevated stress level for weeks or months, despite taking lots of time off / traveling.
• Struggling to feel emotions. Being like a robot, not feeling anything, simply focusing on my to-do list and getting through the day by achieving goals.
• Not getting ideas or lacking in creative thinking. As an entrepreneur, I used to get ideas for new companies and products on daily basis. That was gone.
• Diminishing ambition. I always had big plans & dreams. In the months leading up to The Day, these ambitions got smaller and smaller. I went from wanting to build a billion-dollar empire to wanting to become a carpenter and live in the woods, isolated from the society.
• Drastically dropping producitivty. I wasn’t able to sit down and focus.

It didn’t occur to me that these were symptoms of some mental health crisis. I thought I was somehow maturing or growing up. I was in my early 30s and assumed I had crossed some threshold where my priorities changed and I was becoming a more evolved, although miserable, being. Nope.

2. What I did to begin my healing journey

After sitting there in my home office, staring at the wall for a few hours, I realized something was very wrong. My girlfriend at the time told me what was blatantly obvious to her, that I was burnt out. I still didn’t believe her but was willing to explore the possibility.

The very first thing I did was call my team and tell them what was going on. I told them I will be taking 2 weeks off to figure out what’s wrong. First of all, I am tremendously grateful that I had the opportunity to take time off. I know that very few people in the world have the luxury to simply stop working without jeopardizing their career or financial consequences.

When I shared all of this with my team, I felt stupid. I felt shame. I felt weak. I felt tremendous guilt, like I was too lazy to work and simply was asking for free vacation. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of the job title and salary. I suddenly felt that I didn’t deserve the lifestyle I’ve created. Shame is probably the strongest emotion I experienced during those first few weeks.

Statistically, women have higher rates of depression than men. Once depressed, men have higher rates of suicide. I’m starting to understand why men never open up, it was humiliating. Not because of the external environment. Everyone was supportive and understanding. Everyone was cheering for me, but the downward spiral of negative thoughts was getting out of control and I made myself feel humiliated.

First step was to admit to myself and people around me that something was wrong. Second step was therapy. I tried a couple of therapists but I didn’t feel like I was making progress. Coaching on the other hand was tremendously helpful. I’ve had a coach for a few years and that felt valuable.

After the initial bullshit feelings of shame and overall negativity, I felt that some of the pressure started to easy. I still felt like crap, but at least I could be honest with the people in my life and it was a relief. When I created the space to heal, think and feel, I had an epiphany. I call it the Micros and Macros of life.

3. Micros And Macros of Life

One day, during my healing journey the solution to this whole problem occurred to me. It was so vivid I couldn’t ignore it. Out of nowhere I realized why all of this was happening. I call it the Micros and Macros of Life. Let me explain.

The Micros

Imagine you walk into a bookstore and pick up a book from the self-help section (or you scroll Amazon’s self-help category you digital monkey). You might read advice on meditation, exercise, breath work, diet, scheduling, productivity hacks, sleep hygiene, habits, routines, hacks, etc. Notice what they have in commons: they’re all tools. Micros = tools. I have optimized my life for tools. I was really good at it. My day looked like a self-help book:

• Wake up at 6am after sleeping for exactly 6 sleep cycles on a temperature controlled mattress that Tim Ferriss recommends.
• Take a cold shower and do a 10min of breath work exercise.
• Decaf coffee, 2 glasses of water with lemon (no caffeine allowed, of course).
• Workout for 30min (long enough to get results, but not too long to waste time).
• Go for a 30min walk and repeat my incantations (“I am happy, I am wealthy, I am healthy…”).
• Start work at 8am sharp. For the rest of the day, every 10min of my calendar was blocked off with specific tasks.
• Dinner at 6pm. Plant based. Not too late to disturb the sleep. To stay in touch with friends, I would organize group dinners. This way I could create a touch-point with 10 different friends during a 2-hour dinner, instead of “wasting” 10 x 2h with everyone indivdually. Now I realize how stupid this sounds but at the time I felt like I was being efficient.
• Turn off lights & electronics at 9pm
• I didn’t put “evening sex” in my calendar, but honestly I wasn’t far from it.

Sure, all these things are helpful. They can be valuable. But they are tools. You can wake up tomorrow morning and implement all these tools if you wanted to.

While I was over-optimizing….no, while I was obsessed with the Micros, that gave me the excuse to totally ignore the Macros. Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to exercise and eat clean food. I’m saying it’s not MORE important than the Macros, the shit that really matters in life.

The Macros

The Macros are all the really important things that determine the quality of your life. Your happiness. Best way to explain is to give you a breakdown of what I consider my Macros to be:

• Relationship with oneself. Some might call this mental health, emotional health, shadow work, dealing with your shit, trauma work…whatever you call it. Your emotional state on daily basis, the things you feel most of the time define your relationship with yourself. I used to mostly experience frustration & guilt. Those were my favorite flavors of suffering. Whenever negative emotions would pop-up, I would simply find something to do, I’d find my to-do list and get busy. Easy, just turn off the feelings. Fyi, this has a side-effect of also turning off the positive feelings.
• Relationship with God (if you believe in one). This one is a touchy subject and personal to everyone’s experience. I’ll just say it’s not something I thought a lot about prior to The Day.
• Romantic relationship. I was in the wrong relationship. I knew it. I didn’t have the courage to do the right thing.
• Friends. I disregarded the friendships I had. Like I mentioned earlier, I would try to optimize this part of my life but organizing group dinners. I’d avoid one-on-ones because they felt inefficient. I withdrew. I was hard to reach.
• Family. Just like with my friends, I wasn’t present with my family. I wasn’t there for them. I felt like I didn’t have the capacity to deal with it so I just quietly disappeared. Irish exit.
• Purpose. I didn’t know what my purpose in life was. Tbh I still don’t know but I’m seeking. Back then I wasn’t seeking. I didn’t care. I was focused on making more money, no matter what the cost was.
• Mission. This could be your career, your company. I no longer believed in the mission of the company I helped start and grow. I knew I wasn’t the right person for that position. I knew it wasn’t the right company for me. My heart wasn’t in it. The contracts and equity agreements were designed to incentivize me to stay. Every month I stayed, my net worth grew. I actually promised myself that I’d leave the company earlier that year. The deadline for my leave came and went but somehow I rationalized that another 6 months wouldn’t hurt. Once I had that money, I could finally do the things I wanted. Then I would relax and allow myself to be happy.
• Connection with Nature. I believe that we’re not meant to be locked up in concrete jungles. I live in Lisbon, Portugal. Beautiful place, full of vibrant restaurants, cafes and I have amazing friends in the city. I love it but I realized that connection with nature is essential to my wellbeing. Simple run or a bike ride in a forest will do. Surfing or jumping into the ocean. Climbing a mountain. Whatever helps me turn off my phone and smell the fresh air.

After The Day, it was clear to me. I over-optimized my life for Micros and that allowed me to ignore the Macros. If you’re busy implementing every hack from the self-help repertoire you don’t have to pay attention to the shit that really matters…or so I thought.

4. How I Got Back On Track

Following is a list of actions I took that helped me heal. The burnout happened 12 months ago so I’m writing this with some hindsight. It is a long healing process and I can’t say I’m totally healed yet. There are days when I have to be very careful but overall I feel great.

• I ended the relationship I was in. I knew it was the wrong relationship for both of us, I just didn’t have the courage. Creating the relationship was actually a goal of mine. I wrote it down in my planner and just like with the other goals, I worked hard to make it happen….meanwhile ignoring the fact that we were not a good match. I lied to myself and I lied to her. I wanted to make it work so I ignored how I was feeling. It’s one of the hardest things I had to do because I knew it would shatter her world and I knew that I’d be in a lot of pain. She’s good person and I had good intentions but that doesn’t making it any easier. [Romantic Relationship]
• I left the company that I helped to build. Financially it wasn’t a good move because I was loosing a ton of potential money in the future, but in my gut I knew that I didn’t believe in what I was doing and I had to leave. [Mission]
• I did psychedelic therapy. I’ve done a few psychodelic sessions years before my burnout. Once I was on the healing journey I felt called to take psychedelic medicine again with professional guides, in a controlled environment. If you’re considering this, don’t just take some acid at a party and hope for the best. Set and setting really is everything. After the big journey I begun a micro-dosing (psilocybin) protocol which lasted for a few months. [Purpose, Relationship with Oneself, Relationship with God]
• I took time off work and traveled in Central America for 3 months. Again, I realized not everyone has the luxury and freedom to do this. If you can take time off to heal and consider what is important in your life, do it. During this time I was able to address past trauma. Basically I became a full-time hippie doing ecstatic dances in Guatemala, surfing in Costa Rica or participating in naked temezcal ceremonies with 20 other hippies in Mexico. [Purpose, Relationship with Oneself, Relationship with God, Connection with Nature]
• I reconnected with my friends. Started spending one-on-one time and loving every moment of it. I started going out to social events I enjoy. I began initiating fun things to do and planning future gatherings. My tribe has been incredibly helpful in my journey. Every time I would share what I was going through, I received love and support. Thank you! [Friends]
• After the Central America trip, I returned to Portugal but make sure to spend time in nature. I go to Sintra (small mountain with lush forests near Lisbon) every Friday. Hiking, running or mountain-biking will do the trick for me. Most weekends I try to spend time in nature. [Connection with Nature]
• This might sound a bit unusual but racing was part of my healing. I’ve been a petrolhead and racing spectator since I was a kid, but never allowed myself the joy to participate. When I got back, I bought a dream car and started organizing go-karting races for my friends. I guess the umbrella term for this could be hobbies or passions. I’ve always wanted to play guitar but made all kinds of excuses for why I don’t have time. Now I’m learning to play Skinny Love by Bon Iver…one of my all-time favorites. [Relationship with Oneself, Friends]
• I still create goals and I have things I want to achieve in my life but I don’t judge my self-worth by the amount of progress I made on these goals. I would like to do certain things, but I am not attached to these outcomes. Some would call this surrender. I’m not perfect, I get attached and frustrated sometimes, but it’s not where I spend most of my mental time. [Mission & Purpose]
• If I get stressed, frustrated or other negative emotions creep up, I immediately stop what I’m doing and deal with it. I don’t put it aside and continue in robot-mode. I address the shit that comes up. [Relationship with Oneself]
• I guess on paper my life looks less healthy. Sometimes I drink alcohol, I drink coffee almost daily and I almost always go for the desert at a restaurant. This, however, is not an excuse to be fat or lazy. In the gym, I train like a fucking beast. I’m in the best shape of my life and I’m taking my boxing game to the next level. [Relationship with Oneself]

All this took about 12 months to execute. I am still on the healing journey and learning new things. Investing my energy and time in these Macros had the biggest impact on my happiness and quality of life. I still do the Micros…I go to the gym in the mornings, eat mostly clean food, sometimes I meditate, sometimes I take cold showers, sometimes I look at my goals, sometimes I put things in my calendar, but I’m not obsessed with these tools. Actually, when my Macros are in order, the Micros kind of just happen by themselves. I don’t have to use willpower. I naturally lean towards healthy lifestyle habits.

5. List of Things That Helped Me

If any of this resonates, please, please, please take care of it. Address the Macros today. This is a list of tools & resources that were helped. Again, they are just the tools, you have to do the hard inner-work yourself. Make the tough decisions now:

• Book: Lost Connections
• Book: The Way Of The Superior Man (for men)
• Psychedelics: Psilocybin in a therapeutic session followed up by micro-dosing protocol.
• Coaching: I have my coach that I trust. There are many organizations where you can find a good coach. Tony Robbins organization is where I started originally.
• Ecstatic dance: this one was probably specific to my exprience. I had some trauma and a lot of friction attached to dancing. Doing an ecstatic dance helped to work through it.

When I first begun sharing my burnout experience I was shocked how many people reach out to me and said they’re going through something similar but feel like they can’t tell anyone because they’re ashamed. If you recognize any of the symptoms in your life, reach out to a friend, find a therapist or a coach, do whatever you have to do and address the Macros. Those touch decisions are sometimes painful in the long-run but I promise you that it’s worth it.