On Being a Single Mum
Glory Frank’s Story
Glory Frank was married for 5 years then it didn’t work so she decided to leave.
She got married to her ex-husband, Nathan, at the age of 19 years and got divorced at 25.
Glory admitted during an interview “I only wish I was more mature and emotionally intelligent; my marriage with Nathan wouldn’t have ended. I was young and very naieve. I had plenty of fantasies. I thought marriage was void of challenges, like those I saw in Hollywood.”
Then, she broke down in tears.
When asked how parenting as a single mum had been for her, she had this to say: “The truth is, parenting wasn’t meant for just one person. There are many times I’m exhausted, and just another adult, their Father could handle things his own way. My children are growing older and without a father figure in their lives. It pains me.”
When asked what her daily routine looks like, she added, “I have a nanny who takes care of my child and takes him to school. I was working but resigned because I wanted to start my own business. I own a beauty salon where people come to get a new and confident look and I get good reviews.”
Glory Frank wished the hands of the clock could be rewound, and that her ex-husband Nathan could have her back.
When asked if she wanted to re-marry, her reply was: “I don’t think much about it; but even if I want to, it’s definitely not now.”
Glory’s story is just one out of the millions of stories of Single mums around the world.
What does being a Single mum feel like?
Like Glory admitted, being a single mum is no walk in the park!
Although things ended up south with her and her ex-husband Nathan, certain separated or divorced parents although living apart co-operate in the upbringing of their children.
In Glory’s case, she became a single parent as a result of divorce, some become single mums as a result of unplanned pregnancies while in relationships, and having their partners deny the pregnancies.
This is very common in Africa!
The woman lives to bear the consequences of two people’s actions all by herself! In some cases, this woman might get depressed and even suicidal as a result.
Abortion? Nigerian society is a very religious place where people are bound by norms and religious values. Abortion is termed “Taking a human’s life.”
Therefore, the woman might end up living in regrets all her life and would be left with no choice than taking up the entire responsibility of feeding, clothing, schooling, and many other bills that come with having a child.
Some single mums are lucky to get support from their families or from the families of the child(ren)’s father’s family.
But this happens on rare occasions.
Who then is a Single mum?
A Single mother is a woman who does not have a husband or partner but has a child or children under her care.
A divorcee who has custody of her children could be referred to as a “Single Mum.”
I should also add this…
If a woman enjoys a handsome sum of child support and co-parenting from her child’s dad, or has a helpful boyfriend or high-paying job, but stays alone and takes care of the child’s home training, she is still a single mum.
Being a single mum is unfortunately tagged evil in Africa.
Single mums often find it difficult to get into fulfilling relationships after the failed one that resulted in the child(ren), since they are termed “Romantically unavailable.”
This is often a result of the stigma that society, including her own family, attaches to her.
In most cases. a single mum is a saintly martyr for her children and a victim of a chauvinistic society that tells men it is OK to abandon their children by a male-dominated court system that lets him have a way off the hook.
Top Challenges faced by Single Mums & some Coping Mechanisms
Raising a child is no easy experience. It is even double as hard for a single mother.
Seeing a growing number of problems single mothers face in society: financial struggles, lack of support, emotional battles, realizations, and many more.
The struggles of being a single mom can hit you pretty bad. Here are some tips to help.
1. The Feeling of Guilt:
Most single mothers are utterly sick of motherhood and guilt, especially working single mothers.
They often feel like they’re coming up short when it comes to doing enough for their children.
As single mothers, you have to do all of these things alone, and it’s not easy.
Here are a few suggestions that might help you overcome this challenge:
- Firstly, accept the fact that parenting isn’t a competition and there is no right or wrong way to parent a child.
- You must also stop comparing yourself with other people, learn to live in the moment, spend as much time as you can spare with your kids, yet still make out time for yourself.
- Your child’s dad might not be available, but you should stay open to other fulfilling romantic relationships. Go out and date!
- Finally, identify a community of single mums and connect with them. There, you’ll find support while you navigate these waters.
2. Working Challenges:
According to a survey, fifty-nine percent of working-class mothers don’t have enough leisure time.
Think about how harder it is for single mums to balance work and parenting. As a single mum you’re expected to take care of the kids and provide for them all by yourself.
To be able to provide for the kids you often have no choice but to put in extra work and make more money.
Balancing professional responsibilities and parenting has become a major problem often faced by single mothers.
Here are a few suggestions that might help while trying to create a balance:
● It’s important to ask for help!
● You can explore working from home, instead of the conventional 9 to 5 jobs.
● Set boundaries and goals.
3. Emotional Challenges:
Most single mums don’t have anyone to share their good and bad experiences with.
She doesn’t have anyone to watch favorite movies with when she can’t find a babysitter.
As a result, a sense of loneliness and depression starts to step in.
Here are a few suggestions you should try out:
- Find a community of single mums to network with.
- Always stay resilient and focus on the positive side of parenting.
- Create a healthy and loving environment for your children.
- Be thankful for the things you are able to provide on your own.
- Find good people to serve as role models.
- Always, remind yourself that no one is perfect, and you are doing well because your kids are thriving.
4. Limited Time for self and feeling of fatigue:
The hardest part of being a single mom is prioritizing time and trying to focus on your self-care.
Most single working mothers feel exhausted trying to hold down jobs and ensure their children get the best.
The very act of taking care of kids and work responsibilities can be draining in different areas — emotionally and psychologically.
You have to understand that taking care of yourself is of utmost importance.
If you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot take care of your kids.
Here are a few tips to bear in mind, in order to keep you energetic and healthy:
- Feed on protein-rich snacks while on the go — such as nuts, cheese, crackers, or an energy snack.
- Drink a lot of water to keep energy levels high and feel fresh from sunrise to sunset.
- Drink a glass of herbal tea or lemon water in the morning, keep a bottle of water in your handbag or car and ensure you drink whenever you have a meal, it helps
- Plan a vacation or picnic, and take some time off the internet, especially social media.
- Take rest breaks in bits during the day.
- Find time for exercise, you can make that a daily routine.
In Conclusion…
Nigeria, like other countries across the globe, is experiencing a steady growth in the number of single mums, resulting from marital instability, widowhood, or personal choice.
These have resulted in a large number of single-parent mothers catering to families across the country.
Thankfully, the stigma attached to single motherhood is gradually waning off.
This is because half of all marriages are ending in divorce and a third of all births happen outside of marriage.
A 2014 cross-sectional study indicated that no fewer than one million women aged 20 to 85 years were either divorced or separated from their husbands, while 1.7 million were widowed.
Unfortunately, many single mums are still bound by the chains of their own minds, constantly feeling that society thinks less of them because of their children.
Of a truth, single mums deserve all the support and respect from society! These women are doing the job meant for two adults singlehandedly, and are thriving against the odds daily!
The journey of single motherhood is filled with lots of bumps and unending challenges, but having a strong network of like-minds to confide in and share your struggles with is priceless.
Always remember that being a single parent takes lots of courage, and don’t forget to ask for help when you need it.
Also, practice the act of taking deep breaths for a few minutes when you lose your patience and learn not to act when angry, or transfer aggression to your kids.
And hey, lessen the pressure, you are doing just fine!
Written by Favourndudim. She is a Nutritionist and pharmacist in training, who loves writing about women, their physical and mental well-being.
