WHEN BOYS ARE ALLOWED TO CRY…

‘Man up! Boys don’t cry!” Although this sounds more like a movie title, it was something I kept hearing as a little boy.

I was born the only male child in a family of 8 children. Family members were afraid that growing up in the midst of female siblings will make me “soft” and “weak”. When my sisters were allowed to cry, get upset, throw tantrums and be angry, I was not allowed that same luxury.

Many parents and caregivers tend to engage and encourage the emotional development of their sons and daughters differently.

They sometimes forget that childhood is a crucial time for their emotional growth as it is in these early years that they learn to understand and regulate these new strong emotions they are attempting to comprehend.

I was always told how to express my feelings and how not to. I was given “manly” role models to emulate and their models were always not to cry and bottle up all their emotions which they assume was the best way to “man up”.

Growing up, I was influenced in such part and for a long time, I manned up and didn’t cry (literally and figuratively) but down the years it became visible that it wasn’t the way to go because I never really knew how to express my emotions even when it was valid then I realized that “Man up! Boys don’t cry!” was another facade.

“Man up! Boys don’t cry!” is used whenever a boy expresses a feeling that is interpreted as a weakness like crying after falling down, being scared, or being sad. It is often used on any occasion a young male expresses vulnerability.

Other terms sometimes used might include “boys don’t cry,” “take it like a man,” or even “don’t be such a girl.” These are terms very often used as a way to get boys to stop being upset about something

Albeit claimed to be harmless and teaching the boys how to be tough, the fact is that it unconsciously teaches the young boys to suppress their genuine emotions such as sadness, hurt, fear and when they do this, it limits and damages them.

By the time these boys get to the stage of young adulthood, this expression generally limits the boy’s expression of feeling to a very narrow range of what is “acceptable” such as anger and bullying, future relationships and interactions suffer as these boys lack the emotional intelligence to navigate the daily floods of emotions that come to them.

It is incredibly painful too if you are unable to express yourself and this impedes communication which is an essential ingredient for forming emotional bonds.

Boys who have grown up under these familial, societal, and cultural norms of not expressing feelings especially those thought to show “weakness” will have a hard time forming strong emotional ties with others which in turn prevents the formation of a strong intimate bond.

Friendship especially with fellow men is restrained as they won’t want to be perceived as “weak” (friendships demand showing vulnerability) although if such boys are lucky, they might be able to slowly open up to a woman once they get into a romantic relationship. They may feel limited in their ability to do so with another man, who may perceive them as “weak” if they express emotions.

With the inability to form and sustain an emotional bond comes isolation from everyone which can in due course lead to so many mental disorders. This isolation makes them become emotionally stunted which is an outcome that can hurt them.

This is why according to the Samaritans, in Ireland, men are four times more likely to take their own lives than women, with the highest suicide rate for men aged 25 to 34 years old. Research into suicide rates has recognized one reason for taking their own life is often cultural.

Men are expected to be stoic, strong, and non-emotional. In fact, the media’s portrayal of men often suggests that to be emotionally strong means burying emotions that appear to make you look weak, for instance crying. The alpha male paradigm is destructive.

Research findings show that it becomes more difficult for men who grow up in such norms as “Man up! Boys don’t cry” to seek mental health treatment if they need it at any point in their lives.

This is because they resist the state of feeling vulnerable and actively participating in therapy which is very necessary if the goal of therapy is to be met.

Such boys resist (mostly unconsciously) opening up to their health care personnel as, over the years, they have been “wired” to resist such.

If such boys ever suffer trauma, including domestic or sexual violence when they grow to men, ages of being told things like “men don’t cry” or “take it like a man” makes it very challenging to obtain help.

As seeking treatment for any type of trauma generally means that you need to admit to hurt in some way, gender norms can make it difficult to do so, because many boys and men are conditioned to believe that “real men” aren’t weak and can’t be hurt in that way.

They may purposefully decide against seeking help and this will prevent them from healing from their trauma. This is another way that gender norms harm men: by preventing them from obtaining the treatment that they need for the trauma that they may have suffered.

Although this view of masculinity is thankfully changing, it is still hard to shake off the entrenched cultural values that we have all absorbed.

In some ways, we may feel we are protecting boys from the judgments of others and preparing them for the so-called ‘real world’ by telling them not to cry from a young age.

According to Fiona Forman who is a renowned psychologist, the first step in healthy emotional development involves both boys and girls learning to accept that all emotions, including the so-called ‘negative ones’ such as sadness, disappointment, frustration, worry, and anger are completely normal and don’t need be avoided, suppressed or feared.

The second step is teaching them how to express all their emotions constructively, rather than destructively(which is what we should strive to do with our children or any ward under our care).

When we cry, it is a healthy release for all of us. It helps us to self-soothe and releases chemicals like oxytocin, endorphins, and stress-relieving hormones. It will calm, enhance mood, relieve pain, and have an overall benefit to our wellbeing.

Crying is also said to be attachment behavior, encouraging bonds and support from friends and family.

When boys are allowed to cry, it conveys the message that it is okay to feel sad or upset and as parents and caregivers soothe and comfort them, they validate their experiences and feelings. That is the first step towards processing these big feelings, recovering from them, and learning how to self-soothe.

Healthy emotional self-regulation cannot develop unless children are encouraged to express their emotions openly as a starting point.

This piece was written by Akwaowo Akpan. He is a registered and certified nurse and tutor who is passionate about healthy reorientation as the key to a better and more productive live. He enjoys writing about challenges faced by the boy child in Africa.