Parental Guidance in a Digital World

I’ve been an educator for 16 years. Before 2007, I rarely had parents that asked me parenting questions. 2007 was when the first iPhone entered the market; then enters the iPad in 2010 and mobile computing has been the thorn in the side of parents ever since.

I remember sitting at my desk one day and a parent said, “I fear my son is looking at bad stuff at night on his phone.” I said, “Have him charge it in a communal room in your house at bedtime.” She said, “but he uses it for an alarm clock.” I said, “Buy him an alarm clock.” She looked shaken at the thought because she knew the argument that would ensue when she stopped allowing her son to sleep with his device. As a parent, we know it is much easier to create boundaries proactively than to need to do so reactively. She was facing a dilemma and basically was asking me, “How should I parent in this situation?” When she left my classroom I was as shaken as she was. All of a sudden my role as a technology teacher had changed and I was also becoming a sounding board, confidant, and subject matter expert to parents more than ever before. I remember asking my husband, “Why are they asking me how to parent?” But the truth of the matter was, this was new territory for everyone and they wanted guidance too.

Fast forward to this school year, our school has adopted the use of chromebooks with filtering and monitoring software on them that follows the students wherever they go. As an instructional technologist, this gives me a sense of relief and gives parents a glimpse into the world they children are disappearing into. It’s called accountability and I am a big fan.

Today’s parents have a bit of a disadvantage to future parents. As I said earlier in the week, adults and children are navigating the world of mobile technology together. Parents don’t already have a tried and true playbook for this period of time and every child looks and reacts differently.

Here are the 3 questions I get asked most often by parents regarding technology with my answers that may seem like no answer at all to some parents:

1. “When should my child get a cell phone?” A lot of this depends on family dynamics and needs. My youngest child became a Type 1 diabetic at age 12 and I immediately bought her an iPhone so that she could check carb counts and be in contact in case of an emergency situation. I once heard Larry D. Rosen, author of The Distracted Mind state that it is time to consider a cell phone for your child when they are being left out of social interactions with their peers because they don’t have one. The digital platform is the “Friday night going to the mall” of my generation. Students need to be connected to each other and you have to decide when that is. I would suggest not creating the sense of “your phone” or “your computer”, etc as much as possible. This sense of ownership often empowers students with a sense of privacy that isn’t healthy in using devices. Starting the conversation off with “this device belongs to our family so that we can remain connected but you are the one that is using it the most right now.” This leaves the door open for accountability checks and an understanding that it comes with rights and responsibilites.
2. “When should my child be allowed to have social media accounts?” I feel strongly about this one. It’s scientifically proven that “The development and maturation of the prefrontal cortex occurs primarily during adolescence and is fully accomplished at the age of 25 years.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3621648/) Think on that! I was already married before my prefontal cortex was fully developed. This is the area that is used for discernment, controlling impulsiveness and planning. Every social media account that I know of requires the user to “sign off” that they are at least 13 years of age before the account is created. I have 2 suggestions here: Have your students wait to create accounts in high school OR have an account with them in middle school so you can speak into what is a good digital footprint. Regardless, remember it is as much about what they have access to via social media as it is what they are posting themselves and even adults don’t do this well.
3. “I don’t want to snoop….but…” I tend to parent from the philosophy “I trust you until you show me otherwise” but the access available to children with a mobile device can cause livelong addictions, guilt, and repercussions that can last a lifetime. Set up accountability expectations. This might be as simple as “I have the right to pick up your phone at any time and check content” to using monitoring and filtering software that sends you reports.

I believe the most important thing you can do as a parent is modeling good digital citizenship. Look at the 9 Elements of Digital Citizenship and be intentional about your own digital footprint and talking to your children about theirs. This week I saw a quote by www.cyberwise.org that stated “the average parent spends 48 minutes discussing digital citizenship with their kids in a lifetime.” Change that percentage with your child and have proactive discussions instead of reactive ones. Remember those frontal lobes aren’t fully developed, they will need guidance and will probably make bad choices with technology. Start from a discussion of proactive instead of waiting until damage is already done and the younger, the better!