“Learn From Your Past”

I was in a relationship I never thought I’d come out of

I was constantly wondering if everything was going to change

Or if something would magically show up to save the day

I was 16 and he was 17 when we met

I was starting my sophomore year in high school when he noticed me

Meaning that he was starting his junior year

Which gave him a higher class of people around him

I was one of those people who kept to themselves and only had her two best friends

I was always reading in the halls or during the breaks after tests

I never thought of him noticing me from the shadows or

Asking me if I was okay after bumping into me in the hallway

I was never the kind of person who got noticed by someone older for my looks and kept to myself

I was thought of as shy, harmless, good, organized, and quiet

It never occurred to me that someone might actually like me for who I am

And not for just being that girl who dresses to fit in, but is a nerd inside

I was told by my friends that he was bad news, but I ignored them because I saw something else

I was seeing him as a compassionate, easy-going, gentle, and innocent person

He made me feel like I was protected and nothing bad was going to hurt me

He gave me a reason to trust him with everything even when it came to me doubting him

Over time I felt like I was falling in love with someone who was more than I could ever ask for

But I felt myself slowly get less and less attention and giving him more each and every time I saw him

It was like I was becoming a ghost and every time I mentioned it, he would deny it as if he was just proven guilty for murder

When he couldn’t come to hangout and gave no excuse, I watched myself give him the “Okay, that’s fine”

But when it came to me not being able to go, I felt as if I was being questioned for murdering someone

He was constantly asking me questions because of how he did not believe the reason I had given him

It was like he had pushed me away on purpose so he could later call me and ask for me to take him back

At some points, I felt like he was manipulating my words and making me say things I didn’t want to say

And he was “accidentally” hitting me during the bursts of rage he had when we were together

It was like he was the Hulk and immediately exploded after something wouldn’t go his way

There were times where I was finding bruises and marks I didn’t know I had and trying to cover them up for no one to see

I felt myself changing into someone who had been pushed around like a hockey puck

I needed to separate from everything going on

I had to end things for my own health

I needed to change for myself and not for him

I had packed in so much during those 10 months

I thought I was going to become a volcano and erupt with emotions

That man had made me cry every night for the last 4 months of everything that was happening

He made me think about the words that came out of my mouth because one wrong word and everything goes Godzilla on me

I had always wondered if he knew the feelings he made me feel

And how it was an emotional roller coaster for me

And how it made me think about how I didn’t know if I could trust anyone anymore

And how I had lost my two best friends for someone who became meaningless to me

And if he knew what he did to me during his episodes

And having the idea he was just going through a phase

And how I was losing everything in life just so then I could have made him happy

And to know that risking everything for him became meaningless

I was beginning to feel like myself again

I was feeling emotions that I thought I had lost

I began reconnecting with people I cut off

I started slowly picking myself up again

And thinking about the friendships I wanted to make

And thinking about the people I was bringing into my life

And reminding myself that if I’m in fear, then they are going to be nothing in the future.