Being a fangirl taught me a lot about misogyny

It’s entirely possible that I have been a fangirl from the moment I left the womb. It started in first grade, when I taped several photos of Drake Bell from Drake and Josh in my lunchbox. After that came Aaron Carter, Jesse McCartney, the Jonas Brothers, One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer, and now BTS. Put simply, I have spent about 16 of my 22 years of life in a pop-music-filled bliss.

But those 16 years have also been spent narrowly avoiding criticism from those outside of fandom culture. At peak fangirl, I’ve been scoffed at and scolded, invalidated and told to get a life. I’ve had men pushed on me romantically in an effort to “help me get over” my current band member of interest. Any time I’ve gotten excited about something, I’ve been made to feel like I shouldn’t be.

Growing up with this has taught me that I should be ashamed of the things I enjoy most. In high school, I began listening to other types of music, like pop punk and indie rock, and any time someone would ask what music I liked, I would tell them my current pop obsession but follow it up with, “but I like good music too,” or “but I’m not one of those crazy fans.” I’ve insisted that 5 Seconds of Summer was not a boyband, but a “legitimate” band that wrote their own music and played their own instruments. I’ve made separate Twitter accounts to talk about what I’m a fan of and kept those in my life from seeing any of the fan content I created. I would do anything to make myself look more “respectable” than I apparently was.

But I’ve never hid my interests completely, because at my core, I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. Sure, there are “crazy” fans who do legitimately shameful things out of love for the band of their choice. But there are thousands, millions of us who support artists and are a part of fandoms simply because they make us happy.

In my experience, while we’re attracted to certain members of each band, it’s much more than that. Ashton Irwin, the drummer of 5 Seconds of Summer and the man who my friends so adamantly wanted me to “get over,” frequently posted encouraging tweets and videos that helped me through panic attacks. BTS’s music is upbeat and filled with inspiring lyrics that are currently getting me through one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. I have made many close friends in these fandoms, and fan fiction is what got me into writing, my chosen career path. Being a fan of things has brought and continues to bring me joy and fulfillment, especially in times when I don’t feel much of that.

I’ve come to realize that the embarrassment I’ve been made to feel is nothing more than misogynistic. When a group made up of mostly women finds joy and excitement in something, we are “emotional and hormonal.” What we like is “stupid.” We are collectively infantilized and referred to as preteens, even though most of us are 16 or older. Our undying support and love for the members and the music they create is belittled to fantasy and vapid crushes on boys we’ll never meet. Because we are women, our interests and opinions are not valid.

In high school, one of the “good” bands I liked was a hardcore band called Pierce the Veil, and I felt and acted in the same, fangirl-y way toward them as I did toward 5 Seconds of Summer. I had a crush on the bassist, cried over getting meet and greet tickets, wrote fan fiction, and had a dedicated Twitter account. Strangely enough, I didn’t get shamed in the same way as I did with all of the other bands. In fact, my fandom was supported by even the men around me. I have a sneaking suspicion it was because half of Pierce the Veil’s fanbase were men.

Only when enough men can find value in something is it deemed valid. They don’t like happy, pop music about love, so it’s “bad music.” They’re not attracted to or find anything relatable about the clean-cut, pretty boys in boybands, so those who do are eyeroll-worthy. They don’t find excitement in it, so no one should, and if you do, you’re crazy, immature, and laughable.

The catch to all of this is that male fandom can be shockingly similar to female fandom. While women cry over Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, men scream at their TV over their favorite sports team losing. While women know the birthdays of and other trivial facts about the members of BTS, men could (somehow) tell you the names of every member of every sports team in existence. I’ve seen just as many men excitedly jut merch at baseball players to sign as I have women squeal over meeting members of their favorite band.

It’s not that different. The only difference is that one is normalized and legitimized, while the other is not. It’s time that young women’s interests, whether men can find value in them or not, are respected. Girls deserve to feel that what they enjoy, no matter what it is, is valid. They deserve to feel proud of being just as dedicated to a band as many men, young and old, are to a sports team.

And if people are to going to insist on sneering at fanatic behavior, they should at least be consistent about it.