My Relationship Was Illegal 52 Years Ago, And Here’s How I Feel About It.

In 1967, a landmark decision was made by the Supreme Court, striking down all laws that banned interracial marriage. The case surfaced because of Mildred and Richard Loving, an interracial couple that was sentenced to prison for a year after marrying each other., this was an important ruling. It should matter to all Americans, and I’m sure many Americans do believe in its significance. However, for me, a 21 year-old white woman who loves a wonderful 22 year-old black man, this ruling stirs in my heart in both good and bad ways.

I remember when I said “yes” to being James’ girlfriend, I had first Google searched many things along the lines of “Interracial couple struggles”, “Christian Interracial couples”, “Pros and cons of dating interracially”. I know, how incredibly dorky and also kind of strange of me to do. My searches had wielded practically no information, at least none that I really felt was valuable. I was discouraged and maybe even a little scared- Will I lose my white privilege? What if we have kids, will people think they’re mine if they’re darker than me? Is dating a black man really different from dating a white man? These are just some of the thoughts that went through my head at the time. My white-privilege-drenched, uneducated thoughts. I do have to give myself grace for some of those things that I thought at the time, I truly was uneducated. No one close to me had dated or married someone of a different skin color. My family is all white. My friends are all white. I had never dated a black person before and I really had never given it any consideration for the future. After finding nothing helpful online, I decided that I would just learn as I went. When I started this journey with James, I remember saying and thinking things like:

“I know he’s black, buthe is so kind and thoughtful.”

“Being an interracial couple is worththe joy and closeness to Jesus that James brings me!”

“Yes, he’s black, buthe is so mature and wonderful.”

Wow, how far from the Lord’s character was I. I had been taught to equate whiteness with high value, and blackness with lesser value. NO, no one has ever said that to me or told me to believe that. But it’s everywhere. Comments. Movies. Politics. Representation. Economics. Stature in society. (I’m a social work major, I could back this up with some scary stats). Plus, the sour remarks and looks I first received when introducing my wonderful black man to my white world did NOT help. I’m going to go ahead and boldly claim this: If you are white, you have bias against non-whites. You were taught this. Recognize it, own it, pray through it, and get rid of it.

Anyway, pardon my side-rant. Back to business.

Let me tell you what I have learned to be actually true about dating a black man:

1. You will get stared at. Places you used to go by yourself and not get looked at, you will now go to with your black boyfriend, and you will be stared at.
2. You will be followed around stores sometimes. Use that as an opportunity for kindness and grace despite that employee’s bias.
3. You will sweat buckets when passing a cop car while your boyfriend is driving.
4. You will be called out; You will learn how to use your white privilege for the benefit of those who do not have that privilege.
5. It’s hard to find Christian community that you both can call home. Keep searching, don’t give up. If you have to, be uncomfortable- you’re learning about Jesus!
6. Your partner will tell you about experiences that you don’t understand. If he says “That woman keeps staring at me”, do NOT say “No, I don’t think she is.” WRONG-O. He has experienced this his WHOLE life, and just because no one has ever given you a rotten look in public for the color of your skin doesn’t mean you get to negate what he goes through. Made (making) this mistake a million times. That being said, you need to listen.
7. You get to learn and grow in ways that you would not have if you hadn’t been with someone of a different skin color. Learning about James and his experiences every day is one of the biggest joys and challenges of my life.

Seven little pieces of experience from an average college student will not sum up all the hard and the awesome that comes from being in an interracial relationship. The reason I’m writing any of this is because that one year and two months ago, I wish that I had stumbled upon a blog post about this subject. I needed some advice. I needed to know that it would be different than dating a white man, but the different would be both challenging and really sweet. God rejoices over his kids loving each other well. He rejoices over the diversity He’s created. I love that I get to live life a little differently because of the relationship I’m in. I’m so thankful that God doesn’t want us all to look, think, or act the same. (Socially, of course… still following the good word of the Lord, ya feel?)

If you’re in an interracial relationship, here are two SUPER simple action steps for you:

1. Black or white, search yourself for bias. It’s in there, you just need to find it. And you need to find it.
2. Listen, and listen so well.

I am thankful for Richard and Mildred Loving. I am thankful that they fought hard for their love and their rights. I hope to do them justice in my relationship, life, and career.

Elyse