Saturn returned, I left

I have a thing with dates. It’s like a fun form of autism: I remember the dates of every single event og my life (also others’). I’ve always been good at remembering my friends’ birthdays — which was a big source of frustration when I realized how bad the others are at this game — the day I met the special people of my life, which year I moved to Paris, London, New York, Copenhagen… How old I was when I gave my first kiss, the month of my first victory when I practiced fencing at a high level, the months of memorable ballet shows I was part of…

It’s only natural that I feel like celebrating my first anniversary in Copenhagen, since it was such an important step of my life.
I made this sudden decision one year ago, but had wanted this in years: the call of moving back to my roots and to a better life. Sounds easy, but it’s not when you have a situation in the city where you live, a boyfriend you love and friends you care about. No matter how beautifully imperfect my life was down there, it constantly felt like life was elsewhere.

I’ve tried to pull together facts and “self-estimonials” in order to write a new story, since this year has been so special to me. But inspiration has proven to be a scarce resource.

It was 365 special days, not only because I readjusted to the Nordic climate, but because I’ve faced some quite unexpected situations and experiences. In the end I got to learn so much more about myself, about what works and what doesn’t.

After only 4 months in wonderful Copenhagen and more intense training sessions I got injured. I had tried that before but not for such a long period (5 months). I was basically unable to do one of the things I love doing and I realised how unpatient I turn out to be with those things.
This came along with eczema. With eczema came the physical appearance I got when in a crisis (wrinkles on my face, red, dry and itchy patches on my arms, my shoulders, my wrists and my back). With eczema came sleepless nights. So many sleepless nights because it wouldn’t stop itching. With eczema came frustration because doctors are so closed when it comes to this condition and think it’s just a skin problem. They give you some unhealthy cream and think they will relieve one. I decided not to follow the classic treatment as it has proven unefficient in the long term. I decided to heal myself through a healthier life style and by eliminating some food categories the body doesn’t really need or which can easily be replaced with alternatives. I’m not done yet but so far, it’s the only thing which has shown promising and encouraging results.

After only one month in wonderful Copenhagen came a new heartbreak. This one I didn’t see coming. And will not develop, it’s not worth it.

After only three months in wonderful Copenhagen came a job I’m very proud of. It’s challenging, demanding and fulfilling.

After 9 months in wonderful Copenhagen, came my first appartment. My very own place that I bought after breaking my piggy bank. I now live in one of the city’s most lively areas and am living my Danish dream in the best possible way.

With both an injury, a serious skin condition, a job I love and a broken heart, I spent more time alone, especially during the winter months, when all were out running. With loneliness came many many many hours of thinking and questioning. It may sound depressing but I actually needed this phase. I believe I’m still in it, but after one year here, I realize that I’m so far from the start point. I’m exactly where I want to be.

I know what works and am slowly getting rid of what doesn’t. I’m learning to calm my nerves as I always find myself stressed by the most common and easy situations. Most importantly, I’m slowly learning how to release all the anger I have held in me — it may sound very funny, but I never learnt to express anger and frustration. And I strongly believe this is somehow all connected. I strongly believe that I need to go through this phase to heal and start anew.

I realised that no matter how much I love running, going all out isn’t worth it, if it leads to an injury hence months of not running. It’s simply not worth it. I learnt how to listen to my body.

I realised that I could feel like home somewhere on this planet, after trying to live in so many different cities and countries.

I realised that I could actually be proud of myself and what I am, no matter how common, modest and simple my life is.

I realised that truth and honesty are powerful tools to keep on going and progressing. Never have I faced myself — how I look like versus how I wish I looked like, what I feel versus what I wish I felt — as I have this past year.

Now I wonder if things would have been the same if I hadn’t moved to Copenhagen? Did I trigger this mini revolution inside of me? The answer doesn’t really matter. As the storm slowly starts fading away, I feel happier than ever and I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Body, mind and soul have just been introduced to each other.

So come on life, bring it on, I’m ready!

And besides the many long hours of thinking, asking, doubting, meditating and crying I also had very good moments: breakfast dates and hours on dancefloors with friends, tough training sessions followed by cooking healthy and delicious dinners, bike riding at dusk after a good night of fun, when all are sleeping and when the day hasn’t started yet.