All-You-Can-Eat Buffets: can you even win?

Living in the centre of a university city means I have almost unparalleled access to branded eats. There’s the sacred trio of McDs (592 ft), KFC (280 ft) and Burger King (272 ft) providing a sturdy base; you’ve got Wasabi (489 ft), Itsu (223 ft), Leon (276 ft) and Pret (220 ft, 695 ft) if you want fast-food with a superiority complex; and if you’re feeling extra pretentious (read: lazy), a range of sit-down options: Franco Manca (453 ft), Bills (30 ft), Nandos (995 ft) etc.

And then there’s Cosmo (469 ft). This is a restaurant categorically removed from the low-commitment fast-food chains that we share as neighbours. Instead, Cosmo occupies a parallel but separate domain: the all-you-can-eat buffet. Netflix, but for food.

Things I have said out loud before going to Cosmo:

“Just a salad for me, we’re going to Cosmo later.”

“Better get an early night — remember we’re going to Cosmo tomorrow.”

“They must be making a killing off the pizza. Remind me not to eat as much pizza.”

Visiting a fast-food chain means living in the moment, but going to an all-you-can-eat is a drawn-out experience — sometimes starting up to 24 hours before you’ve even thought about leaving your house. It requires careful planning and execution if you’re going to get maximum bang for your buck.

Skip lunch, but enjoy a high fibre breakfast to keep your stomach exercised. Stay well hydrated throughout the day to avoid filling up on cheap drinks when you’re there. The layout of the restaurant will trick you into poor choices, so plan your route ahead of time and stick to it. The chocolate fountain and the sea food are their most expensive options, so maybe mix them and eat that? And remember: you’ve got 10 minutes before you realise you’re full, so make the most of that by cramming when you sense the 10 minutes are about to start.

If you ever want to document the expressive range of human self-loathing, stand outside Cosmo on literally any day of the week.

This is why I hate all-you-can-eat buffets.

Actually, that’s not true. I love all-you-can-eat buffets. But also – I hate all-you-can-eat buffets.

See, the whole process makes sense as a game-plan, but here’s the thing my stomach has been trying to teach me during the 469 feet back to my flat: you can’t win at food.

It’s not just that I can’t eat enough. If anything, that’s the opposite of the problem: it turns out I can eat ~300% more than I would normally expect to eat in a day before I feel sick. But the more I binge, the more it feels like I’ve lost; and knowing the exact volume of my at-capacity stomach feels like little reward for £15, 24 hours of my mental space and a bad night’s sleep.

The problem is that I’m trying to win at something that isn’t supposed to be won, because it isn’t supposed to be completed. Like sleeping. Or breathing. Lets be clear: you can make the owner lose money, but (boys and girls) that doesn’t make you a winner. Food is a gift to enjoy, not a competition to be won. You can’t win at breathing, and you can’t win at food.

This might seem really obvious, but it was a pretty major revelation to me — especially when I realised how many areas of my life I apply the same logic to. Work. Holidays. Ethics. Friendships. All things that I try and win, when they aren’t things you’re supposed to win – or even complete. Adding up good deeds in the hope of eternal life would never work, even if you think you’d get pretty far: because kindness isn’t something you can end/complete/win. The first time I went to the gym I did 3 reps on everything; but apparently I have to keep going. Turns out you can’t complete the gym either. You can’t win at health.

Tumblr will tell you that you have the same number of hours in a day as Beyoncé. That may not make you feel better, because Beyoncé has clearly beaten you in every single hour of every single day. But maybe that’s the wrong way to think about it.

Here are some other things you have the same of as Beyoncé: Countries to explore. Series of Friends to watch. Stars. Wikipedia articles. Access to food in an all-you-can-eat-buffet.

Stop trying to beat Beyoncé. Take life for what it is instead of making it into something it isn’t. Watch Friends for fun, not so you can say you did. Go to the gym to enjoy being healthy, not to conform to some ideal body standard. Eat chocolate-coated sea-food because you like it, not to one-up Cosmo’s CEO. As someone who recently enjoyed a surprising-but-not-self-defeating amount of their pizza, I can testify that you’ll feel far less regret.

If you make life into a competition you’ll only ever lose. You can’t win at life: it’s given to you as a gift. If life is a gift then you can’t earn it, you can only enjoy it. Find out who to thank, learn how to enjoy it — and then tuck in.