WAHAT #11: So. About That Death Thing…
Ah, death. Arguably, the most widely shared experience about which many, if not most of us, avoid thinking and talking about the most.
So? Let’s think and talk about it a bit.
First, however, apologies for the unannounced and unanticipated mini-hiatus since WAHAT #10. Numerous unexpected interruptions, including the death of a dear, dear friend, which helped trigger this edition, and the planning and execution of a long-awaited, much-needed vacation. (I’m completing this on a train from Dublin to Galway in Ireland.)
Some Facts and Figures About Death and Dying
In case you haven’t been paying attention, the largest wealth transfer in history is happening even as you read this. Of the approximately 85 million Boomers, five to six thousand die every day. Which means some 30 million have already departed this mortal plane, with some 55 million of us still hanging on. By the time the last of us has passed on, we will have transferred some $50 to $70 trillion. But:
- More than one-third of U.S. adults (35%) have experienced or know someone who has experienced familial conflict due to the lack of a will, estate plan, or advanced medical directive.
- More than half (52%) of Americans 55 and over say dying without a will or estate plan would be “irresponsible.” But:
- Nearly three-quarters (72%) of those adults have no will, estate plan, or advanced medical directive in place.
- Almost one-fifth (18%) don’t know what an advanced medical directive is.
- Nearly half (46%) of those designated as executors of someone’s will are unaware they have been so designated.
- More than half (52%) of surveyed adults have no idea where their parents’ wills or estate plans are stored.
Clearly, a lot more discussion needs to be happening than is apparently taking place. Some believe they don’t have enough assets to worry about what happens to them. Others believe estate planning is too expensive, or that they just haven’t found the time yet. Whatever the reason or reasons, the results often include family conflicts, unfulfilled wishes, and missed opportunities to help people and causes the deceased cared about.
Death and dying are emotionally, logistically, physically, and spiritually stressful for all involved. Two of the things that bring out the best and worst in people are serious illness and conflicts over money. Death and dying often involve both of these things. The smartest and most helpful thing we can do is to take steps that help to minimize the pain and stress.
I have a few ideas to share.
Dortch’s Recommendations for Making Death and Dying Less Stressful (At Least A Little)
- Talk. Now. Ask questions. Make suggestions. Offer to help. Do whatever you can to get conversations about estate plans, medical directives, and wills started and keep them going.
- Engage the necessary players. At minimum, you’ll need estate planners, will executors, and overseers of advanced medical directives. You’ll probably also need help identifying and vetting candidates for some or all of these roles. Credibility, experience, reliability, and transparency matter.
- Document everything — especially where the documents are.
- Keep everything and everyone up to date. Especially if and as roles and situations change. And they will.
- Be there when you’re needed. Speak up when you need. You can’t always talk yourself or someone else into a particular state of mind or action. But as I heard someone say recently, you can sometimes listen yourself or someone else into a calmer state.
Of course, we’re all going to die. What’s important to remember is that before that happens to most of us, we’re going to be called upon multiple times to navigate the feelings and logistics triggered by and associated with the deaths of others. As uncomfortable as all of that may be, reality is almost guaranteed to be a bit easier for all concerned if talking and planning have at least begun before death happens. As both Aristotle and Mary Poppins wisely observed, “Well begun is half done.”
Now What? Your Serve…
I am naively optimistic enough to believe there is value in trying to look at what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. Writing about things like those in this piece is part of that process. So to echo my ABCs of human motivation, the achievement of writing and sharing these posts delivers the benefit of helping me crystallize some thoughts and feelings, and tighten up some of the internal connections linking my body, mind, and spirit.
But this is not just about me. Sharing these thoughts and feelings also offers the promise of connection with others. That’s where you come in.
Your reactions eagerly sought and warmly welcomed. Feel free to leave your thoughts wherever you’re reading this if comments are supported, or to email me directly at medortch@dortchonit.com. I hope this begins some interesting conversational threads, excerpts and summaries of which I will gladly and gratefully share (anonymously or with attribution as you prefer) in future outings, several of which are already in various stages of construction.
Thanks for reading. Thanks again in advance if you share your reactions with me, share this post with others, or both. And please stay connected so we can continue and extend this emerging, evolving conversation.
We All Hunger and Thirst (WAHAT) is a series of pieces I’m writing and publishing to share things I’ve learned and foster connections and conversations about various elements of life and the world. Send your suggestions and reactions to me directly at medortch@dortchonit.com, and feel free to share what you’ve read with others. Thanks!
