How to do a Medium post
A step-by-step guide to understanding the website that’s redefining words and text.
HELLO!
Welcome to @Medium, the place where writers get to write and nobody can stop them. Medium is built in America so you know it’s real.
“How do I Medium?” I get asked this question all the time. Children stop me on the street and ask me how to do a Medium post. First of all, you have to be 21 years old to Medium. If you can’t slam back a Miller High Life, you cannot be on Medium, read Medium with your eyeballs, or do a Medium. Read the Terms of Service.
Let’s goooooooo!!!!!!
MEDIUMING: HOW TO DO IT
Forget everything you know about putting letters together to form syllables and words.
3-point essays?
Get out.
5-point essays?
Log off.
16-point essays?
Noooow we’re getting somewhere.
420-point essays?
Good/nice.
Step 1: Start with a thesis. What do you want to prove? Would you like to talk about #Tech? You better. All Mediums must be about technology.
Step 2: Tell people that they should Learn to Code. Can you code? Doesn’t matter. You’re gonna have to tell people that they need to learn how to code. Medium is a Trojan horse that lures in non-coders and forces them to read long, well-argued and helpful thinkpieces about learning to code.
ALERT: it is highly illegal to publish coding tutorials on Medium
Step 3: Reiterate how important learning to code is. Every time a Medium is released into the aethernet, an angel earns its wings through years of hard work and meritocratic recognition.
Step 4: Proofread!
Step 5: lol just kidding about proofreading. who does that? just slam your head into the keyboard until buzzwords form inside the glowy box on your desk!
Step 6: Optimize. Is your Medium social? Make sure it is Social As Heck. Add social hooks to all of your paragraphs. Include your Twitter handle or (or!) the Twitter handle of your enemies.
Step 7: Add Sweet Pics. Go to Google and search “cyberspace” and use anything that gets returned. Crank that parallax up to eleven. “I would like to see more Parallax from every American.” —B. Hussein Obama, Dictator for Life, 2036
We’re almost there! The final step is coming up!!!
Are you ready??!!!!!??!!!?!?!?!!
FINAL STEP
Ask yourself: Am I approaching the topic in the dumbest way possible? If the answer to that question is “Yes,” your Medium is ready. If the answer is “No,” you are not yet ready to do a Medium. Go back and try again.
