As I Lay in the Green Meadow.
Ramblings of a Tortured Mind and Tormented Soul. (Part IV of V)
…Do you know, that for a person in despair, not even the wonders of the night sky can make their spirit soar?
The dungeons of despair are truly dark and deep. What causes or profits a man to sink to such depths?
If the human spirit is unassailable, which I believe it is, why does it so often sink into the depths of despair and beyond, into the realm of hopelessness?
Clothed in a cloak of misery like a second skin, humanity ekes out its existence like a forlorn shooting star that appears for a moment to light the night sky, and then, only to die without a sound or trace.
Like shooting stars that appear during the day and are never even noticed, so are some lives lived. But unlike the shooting star, a life even unwitnessed must and does matter.
It matters to those left behind. Those it touched. Those it influenced. It matters because regardless of how short a life was, it meant something to someone.
Oblivion to the greater part of humanity does not negate purpose or value.
To have lived, yes, even to have lived and not loved has purpose and meaning. Nothing happens without purpose; otherwise, it is an aberration. Aberrations happen only in alternate universes, the veil into which time and meaning cannot penetrate.
When life comes to an end, what does it signify? What does it mean? Should the end be equated to oblivion?
What IS oblivion?
Can what has existed cascade into oblivion? Can what has been known, be unknown?
To forget is not to ‘un-know’. It is simply to put aside. The mind decides what to put aside and what to remember.
But the value of what is put aside is not determined by its being put aside, neither is it diminished by that act of being put aside.
Human beings rarely act rationally. Yet we call ourselves rational.
Is it rational to hate what you cannot love?
Is it rational to push what cannot be moved?
Is it rational to fight when one cannot win the fight?
Is it rational to contend with what cannot be changed?
The mind craves, while the flesh yearns.
Still, we live and seek purpose and even find purpose. We justify our lives and our existence. We fight to matter and to be counted.
We refuse to go down without a fight. Yet, inevitably, we lose.
We fade out. Where do we go? What do we become? Who do we become?
Do we cross the veil that the essence can cross but not time? All the known laws of physics, as we know them, break down when they are faced with the event horizon of a black hole, the scientists tell us.
What kind of world exists inside a black hole? What (un)natural laws are at play within its dark bowels? Is it even dark?
What exists behind the curtain of space-time? Could it be “time-space” where all things are reversible? Mathematically, any action is reversible, yet entropy does not allow the reversal of an action, such as the un-breaking of a broken glass.
Is this possible within a black hole? Is it possible behind the fabric of space-time, in the realm of time-space?
In the world of dreams, the impossible is possible.
One can run in position without a treadmill.
One can scream without a sound.
One can jump and fall forever.
What is this world?
How does the mind conjure up such fantasies? ARE they fantasies?
Is the reality, this reality that we experience, the only reality?
Are there others? Do we experience them during sleep? Or on our deathbeds?
Is dying the end or the beginning?
Why do we have to die? Is it so we can live?
the mind discerns, the body cringes and the soul screams.
What is an out-of-body experience? How is the mind able to conjure up such fantastic feelings and experiences? Where do we go? How do we go?
Is death the end? Oblivion? Erasure? The end?
To meditate on such questions and look them square in the eye, brings courage, relief, perspective and freedom.
A sense of urgency that life is too short, too brief, too flighty and so intangible that it must be lived to be experienced.
If it is to make any sense at all, you must live no matter what, after all, as they say, you’ll be a long time dead.
To think of our mortality elicits a visceral gut wrench that disorients us and disenchants us.
We sit on our grand high horses and look around thinking those who die and died and will die are not us.
We cannot envision, let alone entertain, our death or its possibility. Yet, IT IS inevitable.
The mighty have died, the great have died, the wealthy have died, the famous have died, the noble have died, the poor and sickly of course must die, but not us.
But who has lived forever, is a question we dare not let in.
Stoic philosophy teaches “amore fati”, to love, to embrace your fate and, “memento mori”, to remember or know that you’ll die.
We ALL shall die.
The great Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius said, “Know that you can leave this life at any moment, let that determine what you think, say and do”.
What more sobering thoughts can a person have?
HOPE.
That sweet and sublime of all human capacities. Breaks down barriers to what is impossible making them possible.
HOPE.
The pathway to greatness; success; triumph; peace of mind; and humanity. The point at which immortality and mortality intersect to manifest the divine and allow us to catch a glimpse of the mystery and beauty of life.
HOPE.
Have you noticed, how hope calls to us humans? It is hope that justifies pain, loss, and despair and makes it possible for us to carry on.
Who knows the thoughts of God? Who can fathom the depths of His wisdom, His plans?
You are frail, puny and inconsequential humans who cannot even conceive the concept of infinity. We flicker through life and because you and I call ourselves self-aware, we think we can debate with God.
To me, the argument for God is a compelling one. Forget the religious fanatic and fundamentalist and zealot.
They make my mind whirl.
Why IS the Earth located exactly where it is, where life as we know it, can exist and thrive?
Why the exact combination and amounts of gasses to support life? Why is the moon situated where it is, why is its exact size what it is, making it possible for life to continue existing and the conditions for life, perfect?
The planet Jupiter, plays a significant role in intercepting or deflecting some of the biggest asteroids and comets, taking the impacts on our behalf. Why and how is it there?
There are so many “coincidences” for life on Earth and serious introspection is unavoidable. The big question, the elephant in the room, IS, why is life so rare?
From the “Genesis-ist” to the “evolution-ist”, I pose these questions.
Why are our lives so brief? Yet brief is too long a time. But I am HERE and I have been here, ‘brief’ as it is. After all, life has to mean something, it MEANS something.
In my probing and throbbing mind, hindsight is meant to mock us, to cut us down to size and show us that our arrogance, our ego, our self-importance and relevance are just so much nonsense, as the sage of the Bible Proverbs notes, in speaking of the strivings of man, “it’s all a chasing after the wind”.
Perspective.
It is so easy to be run and ruled by my brain or rather my mind. Surely there is a difference between the brain and the mind. The brain is physical while the mind is intangible, elusive.
Therein lies its power to dominate, influence, subjugate, like the sirens of lore.
It is a sneaky bastard.
It takes very little effort for the mind to enslave you to its darkness. To summon the four rampaging horsemen, “anxiety”, “paranoia”, “stress” and “self-doubt”.
To call to the fore a convocation of your worst nightmares, our worst apprehensions…
To take away your hopes, dreams, and purposefulness. To impart the all-consuming emotion that life is meaningless and thereby take away the will to live.
This one thing I know:
A mind out of control can do all that and more. Let it have its way, and regret will be your constant unwanted companion.
DON’T LET IT.
Dear God, I pray that no matter what comes, what I go through, the trials and tribulations, adversity and strife, I will have the strength to hold on, hold on, just to hold on, to endure the dark storms and make it into the blessed light.
Thank God.
