Being A Desperate Writer
One thing that I struggle with as a writer is my desperation to write. There have been times when I would fall into a fever and feel like writing just for a story to not unveil itself. It’s incredibly self-defeating. Whenever I’m in that state, I would try to write anyway just for my anxiety to come by and ruin everything. If I had to keep track of the amount of times I’ve given up because the grammar isn’t just right or the story feels boring to me, it would be a countless and obnoxious tally. The simple truth is that being desperate is incapable of improving or giving you a story. You need to have a story in mind or even a glimpse of it before writing because that will give you the motivation to see it through and to gaze at it in its completion.
I have been a part of a writing Facebook group for quite some time now and one time, a person posted a comment asking the other members about why they decided to become a writer. Many of them commented about how they didn’t choose to be a writer and that being a writer chose them.
As expected from a comment like that, I thought it was pretentious and elitist. I couldn’t get behind the idea that only a select few can become a writer and that if you’re not “chosen”, your hopes are barred. I felt that it was strange and it annoyed me more than it should have but now that I’ve decided to think about it without my preconception as a base, I’ve realised that there is some truth to it. I’m not going to say that you need to be “chosen” to write but there are certain predispositions that can determine whether you’d be a decent writer in the end.
This “desperation” is one of them. It’s a little counterintuitive but I think that it’s true. There are writers that can only think about writing and the moment an idea comes to them, they fall into fever and start writing like a madman. This state has the ability to temporarily block out feelings of anxiety, perfectionism and self-doubt. It’s the most optimal state for a writer to be in but it comes with a price of complacency.
When you’ve repeatedly experienced something, it’s only to be expected that you would just take it for granted but this “desperation” isn’t something you can simply force. It’s possible to be desperate to write but have no ideas in your mind and attempting to write in that state would only cause anxiety to emerge. Instead of helping you, that state becomes an obstacle.
I have been in this state before but without an idea to focus on, my mind lashed onto the grammatical errors of my work and made things incredibly difficult for me. It made me question if I was even a good writer and I ended up being a little depressed for a short while.
I think that in the end, if you ever fall into this state of “desperation” without any idea to write about and if you feel your anxiety mounting, you need to rest but there are definitely times when it’s difficult and you might consider brute-forcing your way through it but a rusted gear can not turn until it’s treated. If you try to turn it regardless, you will only be tiring yourself and your mind. Rest, get some sleep, wake up anew and try to write but if you can’t, there is no shame in that. This is a message to not just you but me because I am also a desperate writer.
