Dangerous Mind of Mine…. Get Out!! 🖤
As I go out into the world, I first have to figure out my perfect outfit, for the world may judge me if I don’t.
I go to the mirror 100 times. Place each hair very neatly on my head. I do not wear make-up. I prefer natural. But my eyebrows must be perfect, just like the hairs on my head.
As I walk into the crowd, they’re all doing their own thing, but I still feel eyes all around me. They’re looking at me. Did one of the hairs fall out of place? Is my shirt not just right, not flowing properly? Is my fat roll hanging out? God, I hope not.
My jean seam must be perfectly in the middle. I brush my fingers over the ass crack, just to make sure. It’s even. I can’t look like a 4 yr old with my seam crooked. One of my biggest fears.
I then run my fingers down my zipper. I can’t have my goodies playing peek-a-boo. I don’t even wear underwear most days. That would be my last day if that happened. Thank God, my zippers up!
I get to where I’m going, I greet my fellow work friends. They all look as if they’re just there to work. Why can’t I do that. Think like that? Be like that? What a concept!!!
My brain doesn’t do that though. I try to settle in but I can’t catch my breath. My breathing is rapid. I might pass out if I’m not careful. I soon need to go to bathroom from all my coffee ❤️ I devoured. I’ll take my pen with me, maybe that’ll help.
But that means walking past numerous people. They’ll look at me. I can’t do that yet. I have to muster up the courage first. I’m not there yet. I have to hold it. I’ll do the pee dance if I have to. I’m not going.
My friend Ma comes and says hello. She asks me if I’m doing okay. (She sees me. She sees it all I think.) She hasn’t seen my face in awhile. She smiles her beautiful smile. She is genuine. She goes back to work and she only smiles the rest of the day.
Random people stop to say hello throughout my day. It feels good. But I still adjust, and readjust…all day.
I turn my music up as loud as it will go. I block out my thoughts as they come twirling in like a tornado. Whisping in the stale air. Like they’re screaming at me. I change it to hard rock. AC/DC MAYBE. I need the screaming in my ear to drowned out the screaming in my head. It helps. A little.
The girl behind me is awkward as fuck. I be nice anyway. She needs a friend. Her husband is an asshole. She tells me stories, in an awkward manner of course.
Maybe it’s the world. Or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know yet, but either way it’s frightful. I don’t like it and it’s easier to just stay home. I can sit in silence all day and not get bored or lonely.
Day one….. Day two…. Okay I’m lonely. Im bored. Someone please come visit me. Get me out of here. My thoughts are eating me up inside. I’ve sat here for two whole days inside my own head with nowhere to go.
I wonder why God made me this way.
What cord is short? What chemical am I missing? Something inside me is loose and I can’t find the strength to tighten it up properly. I need a mechanic. My oils are running dry. I need a tune-up perhaps.
I went to see my mechanic yesterday. My vitamins are on its way. Let’s play the cycle today.
And once more….
As I get up, I place my clothes neatly on my body. I make sure my roll is hidden. Maybe a gurdle will do. I go into the bathroom and place each hair perfectly on my head. Check my eyebrows. I hate my eyebrows. Yes I really do!
A Day in the mind of me….
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And of course, Thank you 💟
