Lacking Empathy
I had to learn the hard way that empathy isn’t something that you’re just born with. Instead, it’s something that you learn over time and you slowly cultivate it. I wish I had known this at the time although in hindsight, this is a very basic concept but nevertheless if I had known, my actions wouldn’t have been so rigid and cruel. It would have allowed me to at least be genuine and be a lot kinder with my words and actions even though I don’t know if they actually hurt her at the time.
Back when I was in high school, we were working on a bunch of worksheets when one of my friends got a call telling her that her grandfather had passed. She began to cry and everybody sitting around the table paused and began to look at her. I realised that she was drawing too much attention and I was worried that it would make her feel uncomfortable so I tried to direct their attention away from her. I said to the others, “Let’s continue on with our work”. I don’t know if she heard me or not because she never said anything about it but my friends around the table told me that I shouldn’t have done that, that I was being unempathetic and possibly an asshole. I couldn’t really defend myself because they had a point. What I said could be, no, it could only be interpreted as me trivialising her problems. I felt awful for what I did so the next day, I decided to apologize to her but when I realised that she looked cheerful, I couldn’t bring up the topic and I didn’t want to dredge up something that would make her feel worse.
I’ve always acted based on the principle of right and wrong but when you focus too much on that, your actions become a lot more predetermined and puppet-like. Without an emotional component, how can my actions be considered genuine? Back then and now, I have never lost anybody important to me so I couldn’t relate to her sadness so I didn’t know what I should do to soothe her. Would it have been fine to just stay silent and stare? Compared to what I did, were my friends justified? They probably were since they couldn’t do anything else. When I blurted out that phrase, I based it on my own experience and that was probably a mistake because of the disparity in the severity of the event. Crying because of something trivial can not even be remotely compared to crying because of a loss. Sometimes, to feel somebody’s pain is to go through that pain yourself but then if you’re unable to understand, what can you do? Would it not be superficial to express my condolences and go away when in fact, I couldn’t feel anything?
It’s funny. I feel like the world has just been testing me. I only managed to recall this event because one of my friends in university has recently learned that her grandfather has been hospitalised and has Alzheimer’s. When she told me that, I wanted to comfort her but I knew that my thoughts weren’t the type you should be saying to someone that really loves another person. I had learned about the effects of Alzheimer’s and I thought about how it might actually be better for the afflicted to pass. I thought about how when it comes to Alzheimer’s, not only does the patient suffer but also the families, watching as someone they know loses memories of them. I also thought about the symptoms of age. When a person gets old enough, their body becomes an inconvenience to them. It loses its vigour and energy; it must be painful to undergo that change and I feel it would be better for them to pass without having to reach the precipice of ageing deterioration.
But these thoughts, although I thought they were logical, aren’t what I ought to be saying. It may be logical but it undermines years of connection and affection. Even if a person knows that, that doesn’t make it any easier to let go. So the question becomes what then should I do if I really want to help someone? I think some would say that being with them is enough but I wonder if that would suffice. Maybe once I really lose someone close to me, I’ll finally realise what a grieving person truly needs when they are a victim to awful news.
