No, I don’t need Validation
I am ENOUGH
“Feeling nervous, wondering if you’d really like the food I cooked for you!”
“What if you don’t approve of my ways of childcare and upbringing as a mother — what if you think I am doing something wrong.”
“O dear! I just hope my house is an epitome of perfection when they come visit us. I will do everything possible to achieve it”
“What would others say if I wear this dress — it’s too bold!”
So often, we find ourselves in these situations. We, as humans, are taught to coexist and value opinions from others. We are brought up to believe that when others heap praises on us it means we are doing very well for ourselves. We are seldom taught to self-evaluate, critique and judge our own outcomes from a point of neutrality. As we trudge forward in life, somewhere along the way, we develop a strong need for validation and appreciation from others — our own self esteem hinging on these paradigms.
I shudder when I reflect on how I myself reinforce this behavior so often in my five year old. Every time he makes a drawing, or completes a page of math sums, or makes a house out of his magnetic block tiles — he is compelled to ask me how has it turned out — almost as if he is working towards the goal of getting positive feedback. It seems like asking my husband or me on how it’s looking and getting appreciated are his real motivators. I begin to wonder if this is right. Does he remember to enjoy doing what he’s doing in the process? Should I instead of appreciating and sharing my feedback tell him that he should evaluate it himself instead and see how it is in contrast to the previous one he made? Afterall, my lens and yardstick as an adult are not same as his. The more I think about it, the more ludicrous it seems to apply my adult yardstick to his work and ask him to live up to those standards! I want to teach my son to seek appreciation and validation moderately and not depend on it. He should be able to tell for himself if his work is great, good or crappy.
As for me, I strongly believe I am work in progress like everyone else out there. I am not the same person I was a decade ago or even a year ago. I learn, I evolve. As I work on myself and learn and grow, I have come to believe that I am sufficient. I am enough. I would love if others like what I have done and accomplished, but it would not shatter my confidence if my work or output is not recognized. It is also about being self-compassionate. I have made a personal choice to be kinder to myself and not push myself relentlessly because I should be delivering to the standards of others.
Much like a tree that is sturdy and is held in its place by its deep roots despite strong winds, I hold my ground and my individuality. I am not the fragile tree that gets blown away with gusts of wind. I refuse to get blown away if I don’t get validation and recognition. I am the tree that will hold its ground and grow stronger and taller.
No, I don’t need validation!
