Rumbling Thoughts
What holds you back?
The sun rises to give light and sets to give way to the dark. Things happen as we live. Things begin and end.
I almost said no to a two-day break off to Batangas. A usual go-to place of Manileños for a quick happycation or just to dip our bodies to ease the heat.
I almost said no and continued trying to improve myself to have a better life, help people, and be a better person.
Glad I chose to get out this time, rare thing.
My mind wanders as I leave footprints on the sand. “Could my life be different than the way it was now?”
Should I put down the quest to be the best lover of humankind and stay good? I hear your thoughts as you read the words, dull. Maybe. Maybe I have to let go of things that’s been holding me back:
- Chasing for money is not good
I’m in a huge debt and wearing my pride suit is not helping anyone in here. There are many things I have to admit. I lack skills. Resources are already everywhere, I have to make myself do it. To want it badly enough.
To pay debts, and bills, have a better life, be equipped to help others, and exhaust whatever I can do during this lifetime.
- Running the race is absurd
Life is absurd. Nothing is sensible enough to pursue but we still strive to live and aim for something. Because what are we to do if we don’t choose something to pursue?
We are given a chance to live. Might as well use the gift. Be anything we want. Learn everything we can. Be everything the world allows us to or be a rebel that won’t. Live.
- To compete is to be arrogant
Competition is healthy. And it is natural for people to improve and be better. As long as we compete to inspire and build and not to discourage and destroy. Then I think I’ll be up for it. I have to be up for it or I’ll wither away with my beliefs in this achievement society.
- To desire is selfish
To be selfless, content, and harmless. Things I am and the world laughed at me. I laughed as they did. Because maybe they’re right. A laughing stock unable to give anything now, I used to give everything away freely. Not considering if the people I helped deserved compassion. But really? Should we have a category of people we should help and people we must not help?
What do you think?
A little tweak of changes.
To start wanting for myself to give more. Start allowing myself to take things and continually remind me that taking is okay. That receiving help is okay. That there are people who are glad to help. That I am not a nuisance to everyone. That I have to learn how to stop throwing sabotaging thoughts to myself because it won’t help anyone else if I do.
A little tweak of changes.
That it is okay to want more than what I have. That it is okay to want to learn things. That it is okay to do childish things for joy. That it is more than okay to sleep eight hours a day. That it is okay to stare at someone again because I find her pretty or I find him cool. It is okay to want to talk and trust again. That it is okay to have a 9 to 5 and build something as you go. That it is okay to live not aiming for what others want. It is more than okay to grow myself to something more capable of giving.
A little tweak of changes.
That it is okay to say words that might offend others if it offers truth. That yes-yes, sometimes being harmless can do more harm. I have to drop the side that judges those who risk themselves for speaking out. Because the intention is not always to offend me, sometimes the very act of attempting to correct is how they show they care. It is the hardest to unlearn things but we should try. I have to or I cannot bring myself to speak out even if I know I have to.
A little tweak of changes is okay.
- To be mad is to be a bad person
“Anger is a gift. Remember that.” — Mark Oshiro
I thought making myself calm under circumstances where I pressed anger down was a trophy for patience. What a good thing it is to be kind, I thought. But I bleed somewhere else. I tried to control myself to avoid conflicts around people whom I knew wouldn’t back down to such circumstances. Yet, I lash out at those who can do the same as I do. I lash out at those like me. I see it differently now. It is not patience, it is cowardice more of.
A little tweak of changes.
It is okay to welcome anger sometimes. It is kind to let people know that their actions are hurting you. It is care to voice out your opinion to others. That it is more than okay to ask,
“Do you know your actions are hurting me?”
“I’m not okay with what you did last week.”
“Can you explain what about (insert something you can’t understand that others did or said), I appreciate it if you could help me understand.”
“Tell me how we can work things out.”
Anger is a gift, I understand it now. It is a form of expression that I’ve held myself to.
A little tweak of changes.
We will get there.
