Feeling too Small, Fiending for Simple
As a person who has lived in Illinois for a good part of my life, I have only gone to Chicago a handful of times. It has never really appealed to me. I think it is noisy and fast paced while I enjoy the simple life. I chose to go to DePaul last spring because it was close to my family, that is really the only reason why. When I was young and my parents told me we were moving to Chicago I was so excited. But we ended up just moving to a small town 30 minutes away. I watched the Victorious episode over and over again of Trina singing “Chicago”. I loved going to the city when I was younger, but as the years went on I grew to not like it anymore. I find so many people in one place to be scary and overbearing but this class has broken down different elements of the city and has allowed me to form my own answers. What is so off putting to me about the city?
We started this class off with going to the top of the Willis Tower, it caused me to see the city in a different point of view than I ever have. I saw all the buildings with thousands of people residing in them. I saw the tops of buildings and all of the small communities that without a line dividing them, there was a clear start and stop to them. As it is talked about in De Carteau’s Walking in the City, when looking at the city from this view, you are no longer “in the city’s grasp” and are rather exiled from it. The “gigantic mass” of the view is now just an image when looking at it. You do not hear the noises or see the people, but the architecture and are in awe. After seeing the city from that view we started to go into these towns and feel the environment.
Old Town was safe and I felt calm walking through the million dollar homes. I knew that it was not the architecture that was holding me back from loving the city.
Is it the people? Everyone here in the city seems extraordinary and special. I have never felt more basic in my life than walking down Michigan Avenue. It astonishes me how the city has pockets where there are certain cultures and distinct demographics.
Celebrations of culture are everywhere and can make anyone feel celebrated. Here was a Mexican Cultural store I found on Michigan Avenue that caught my eye along with other people on its beautiful artwork. Bronzeville was a town that amazed me. According to The Encyclopedia of Chicago, it was named this because “ it more accurately described the skin tone of most of its inhabitants” because the majority of them were African American.
Bronzeville keeps its history alive everyday by having these plaques and making sure residents know what has occured in their town. The history of the people was inspiring to me, and not just in Bronzeville, but Humboldt Park. Older people in these towns carry invisible backpacks on their backs, of years of history and love for where they live. I am used to a small town where historic landmarks are not familiar and people just live there because of the amazing school system involved with the home. People here just seem so determined and on a mission. Throughout every one of the walks I have gone on, I have passed by people who wear whatever they want and express themselves freely. Chicago is judgment free and that is not something I am used to coming from a preppy town. So it was not the people who made me feel like the city wasn’t for me, if anything they inspired me to be who I want and allow myself to do whatever despite how people may look at me.
Being at DePaul you are in a city, not a college town. This means to me that you will encounter lots of people, and not all of them will be 18–22 year old students. In The Solitary Stroller and the City Rebecca Solnit says that cities are “spawning lists”, and I would agree that cities are never ending as well. Cities can be related to lists because there is always something new being built or something new to learn like new restaurants, bars, parks, but most of all people. There is a lot going on at a time so it can be easy to start to feel like you are drowning. I feel overwhelmed and that this feeling of being so small is reoccurring. I feel in college everything is already so new and nerve racking that when I also moved to an area that increases my anxiety by millions, it has caused me to negatively react to college as a whole. So maybe this is why Chicago scares me a bit, because I feel like there is almost too much happening. I am used to the simple life and not used to so many people being in one area.
As a student here in the wonderful city of Chicago, I am not just at DePaul, but rather a human living in Chicago. It is different then my friends in frats and sororities in small college towns in the south. It is more independent. I would consider myself a Flaneur to DePaul University. Although I am not the ideal fit of what a flaneur is, such as being a male and an old one in specific, I can relate to what Solnit describes as one. In Solnit’s Paris or Botanizing on the Asphalt she states that flaneurs use “alienation or detachment” to observe others. I feel that I am observing those around me and that instead of being a part of the community, I am outside of it. Every week throughout walks for this class it has gotten easier for me to notice little things about the city that I like. I notice the types of people and how fast paced living is exciting. I love people watching and this is the perfect place to do it. Simply walking to the library I will encounter so many people that I can make up stories in my head and pretend I know them. The city allows you to attach and detach yourself so easily. So being a flaneur is not a reason why the city scares me but rather a remedy to being scared.
This is a picture of me at the Bean engaging myself in between people watching. This was a fun day for me and allowed me to fall in love with the city like I once did when I was young.
So what is it Emme? What makes you feel like you don’t belong here? It is fear. I am afraid that I do not fit in and that people know that I feel uncomfortable. The city itself is not scary and there are no reasons architecturally or environmentally that turn me away from Chicago. It is that I am scared to drown in such a big town. I am used to knowing everyone around me and having connections with anyone who would walk by. I can not relate myself to my friends in the south or my hometown anymore. I am living in Chicago!! That is so cool, and this class has allowed me to see all my fears were strictly made up by myself. The only person blocking you from happiness, is you!
Solnit, Rebecca. “Paris or Bontaizing the Asphalt.” Wanderlust: A History of Walking, Granta, London, 2022, pp. 256–257.
Best, Jonathan L. “Walking in the City: A Reflection on Michel De Certeau.” Liminal Theology, 23 Jan. 2019, https://liminaltheology.org/2018/05/11/walking-in-the-city-a-reflection-on-michel-de-certeau/.
Solnit, Rebecca. “The Solitary Stroller and the City.” Wanderlust: A History of Walking, Granta, London, 2022, pp. 182–203.
Travis, Dempsey J. “Bronzeville.” Bronzeville, http://www.encyclopedia.chicagohistory.org/pages/171.html.
