Always the Bride
By Rebecca Mukasa
It is recommended that women be married in their 20s, their most reproductive years. This wasn’t the case with me. By the age of 29 I was still unmarried and my mother and other elders would regularly take me aside to express their concern, inquiring if there might be a problem causing the delay & whether or not there was anything they could do to help me solve that problem. I was encouraged not to be too picky.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.[1]
After the age of 35, the sales pitch changed. I had the distinct feeling that there was a certain class module which I had missed yet others had passed with flying colours. My friends and family started trying to give me a ‘crash course’ in marriage, strategising on how to help me qualify and ‘catch-up’ with my peers. More emphasis was placed on the loud ticking of ‘the biological clock’ and how I should consider not leaving child-bearing until it was too late. While at a family wedding one of my relatives took me aside and asked me quietly, “Sister, what is happening? I’ve never seen you with a man at these events.” Eventually my family, in an even more intense bid to ‘help’ me, decided to expand the selection pool to include divorcees, widowers, and the unemployed. I was advised to co-operate and be diligent in ‘putting myself out there’ until I caught ‘a good man’. I was further admonished to consider the prospects of ‘a blended family’[2].
My opinion was seemingly unimportant to them but, had they sought it, I would have assured them that all that mattered was meeting someone of the same mind and faith. A committed Christian guided by biblical principals who sought after God, and appreciated my heart and mind. Someone with basic good manners and hygiene, who would be committed to leading our family. For some reason I continued to be polite and friendly to their choice of potential suitors, most of whom were keen to start a casual intimate relationship. I could see it as their eyes raked my body, the sly wink and smile. Others were more covert, presenting a proper attitude but eventually asking boldly ‘so when are you coming to my house?’ Ironically, most of them were as undecided as I was about marriage and I met none that impressed me as being able to provide the leadership and security needed for me and the children we would have. All this left me with a stronger conviction that marriage was not for me and drove me to focus more on my work and the opportunity to improve other people’s lives.
When I think back to my youth, I remember being given counsel about the importance of education and excellence, how to avoid intimate relationships with men before marriage, how to get and keep a job, good hygiene, etiquette, and the importance of faith and being ‘born again’. I don’t remember ever attending a session on the importance of being married. It was a given that everyone would aspire to be married. Yes, I was aware that people were supposed to get married and have families, but knew it was not mandatory. I assumed I would be married if it was in God’s plan for my life. So instead of climbing a watch tower and waiting, I chose to get on with life, focusing on my work. I chose to help the less privileged improve their skills, incomes, knowledge and attitudes, and this became my life’s passion and my source of self-worth.
Looking back, I realise I had many aunts, sisters to both my father and mother, who were unmarried and I’d never heard anyone question it. It seemed normal. One of them was single, beautiful and very successful, professionally. Another lived in her own home on a piece of land my grandfather had given her when her marriage failed. She was a successful farmer and brought up several of her brother’s children. I also found unmarried women in church and was made to understand that although they had wanted to, they had not married and had instead become more actively involved in church work and missions. I saw no problem with that except that they seemed excluded and uncomfortable — like pardoned convicts. I was always tempted to get them to lighten up and do something daring like travelling to unfamiliar places to satisfy curiosity, climbing the Rwenzori or registering as a missionary abroad.
Now and again I would ask the Lord to find me a husband so my mother would be happy. I added another sweet lady from the church and a couple of close friends to that list as time went by. However, after exhaustion from social pressure, I concluded that it might not be in God’s plan for my life; that just like Apostle Paul, my aunts and other women in church, I was not meant to be married.
Earlier when people asked me why I was not married I would tell them frankly that nobody had asked me. They would often give me an accusing look and tell me how I had been putting everyone off. An elder I respected highly who’d a rough marriage the first 25 years, once took me aside and asked what the matter was. She said her friends wondered why a beautiful girl like me wasn’t married. “Have you been abusing potential suitors?” she said, meaning I’d been rude and unfriendly. Upset, I replied, “Unless you want me to go off with married men or men looking for a casual relationship, I tell you there is no one!” She quickly apologised but asked me not to be too picky, and then left me alone. Sulking, I found a quiet corner and ran through a list of men who had shown interest. The persistent ones were surely not my type meaning I could not stand them for more than 10 minutes at a time. One was a sweet, budding alcoholic, another was a regular flirt who couldn’t hold a serious conversation for 5 minutes. The third was adulterous. His wife had left him for that and he was on a mission to establish ‘a serious casual relationship’ with me or one of my peers.
In my early 40s I met a self-styled donor who had studied with me 20 years prior. He exclaimed in surprise on finding out that I was ‘still single’ and was absolutely shocked that I had no offspring. Looking astounded, he sacrificially offered himself saying, “Don’t worry, I can help you.” After giving me his number, he urged me to look him up. He’s married with children and I could not for the life of me understand his brand of kindness. The last time we met he was a little cold and distant. He had probably realised I was not interested in his proposition.
Another friend was so distraught that time was passing and I remained unmarried that she started visiting and praying with me. She was the first to tell me being married and having a family was part of the creation plan and that I should therefore pray and expect to be married unless I had received a clear call to serve God as Apostle Paul had done. She committed to pray for me. She is such a warm, loving spirit that I would not be surprised if she continues to pray for me.
Even now, some still persist in hoping to see me married. It’s obvious from the long looks, hints and persistent quizzing. There’s a warm sweet woman at church who so wants to see me married that she shouted and clapped the time she saw me with a silver band on my finger and said, “Why did you not tell me! I am so happy!’ She was beaming with joy. The look of confusion and disappointment on her face when I explained that I was still single was very touching. Surely she would be top of my invitation list if it ever happened.
The eldest of the last of my living aunts now simply shakes her head in wonder at my ‘lack of seriousness’, I suppose. Just last month, an old family friend suggested that since a husband does not seem to be forthcoming, I might as well conceive and at least have a child. She loves me deeply, but has not considered that I lack the conviction and courage to explore the matter of conceiving and having a child without being married to the donor. First because the instructions of the manufacturer require the man to leave his family and be joined to his wife to become one, and then have children that they bring up together in the fear of God.
What does a girl do when, culturally, a woman who has not experienced marriage and motherhood is seen as not having completed her life’s mission on earth? Read the manufacturers manual which says you’re fearfully and wonderfully made and greatly loved. Once you know what you were created for, get on with it. The Lord knows what you need and when. Count your blessings, reflect on what the Lord has used you to accomplish so far and all you’re yet to do before you’re called home. When I think about it, I would not have travelled as much as I have, or made certain choices if I had been married. What tops it all is that the Lord is my covering and that’s made all the difference.
Thinking about the positive aspects of being married over the years, I’ve recently concluded that once a Love (commitment) and Faith are covered, the key advantages are: Companionship — you can do many things together; Security — you look out for each other, and Counsel — you can get a second opinion right away, before taking a decision.
Next time I’ll share some of the fun I’ve had as a single, independent-minded woman of faith.
[1] Proverbs 31:30 (The Book of Proverbs consists of wise teachings about prudence, knowledge, discretion and wisdom).
[2] A family where children from previous marriages, and the current relationships are brought up together as siblings.
Written By Rekisa
VIOLA R. MUKASA (aka REKISA)
Viola is an editor, poet, and short story writer who lives and works in Uganda. Born and raised in the suburbs of Kampala and mountainous Buwalasi, she is the fruit of a lush and intriguing nation. The home of faith and the Nile, Uganda pits a thousand doubts against unimaginable possibilities, and so remains the most ideal place on earth for resurrecting life and realising dreams.
Viola grew up listening to fables about giant snakes, disobedient children and talking gorillas from her mother. She took to reading stories avidly as a child and later excelled in prose and poetry. At 18 she started penning short bursts of thoughts and emotions on paper, many of which she misplaced over time. It was the renowned Ugandan poet Henry Muwanga Barlow and his wife Fayce, who encouraged her to take her writing more seriously. Some of her writing is published under QUIET GARDEN Publications.
