Mind 01.2
Chasing Waterfalls
I feel confused, Yet I feel alright about it.
At what point in life do you start to feel certain? I feel confused and indecisive for making crucial decisions that potentially affect the trajectory of my life.
Pre-pandemic If anyone asked what I had planned in life, I would explain it so precisely. I would even add meticulous details, upon reflection, I was trying to convince the listener as none of the things I would previously mention please me anymore.
The main issue I am having a hard time adjusting to is the repetitiveness of life. I need a job for sustenance and to live a lifestyle I desire, but that which comes with being a worker does not resonate with me, in particular how unfulfilled people are. The majority of people dislike their workplace. Thus, creating doubt about a role I originally wanted to pursue. It has not appealed to me, yet, to seek self-employment as I like the structure of being employed, but the likelihood of being exploited for all I am is harrowing. The possibility of starting a job with high self-esteem to eventually being crippled with anxiety and feeling worthless is not appealing in any form. Still, I find it awful how well schools have conditioned us to believe that we are valued in the workplace as long as we work hard when employers see it as the bare minimum. The irritable culture of spreading yourself thin because that is what you do for the establishment. Why does no one feel slighted about working beyond their contracted hours? And allow the average person a reduced payment for their expertise. Why should we stay an extra two hours every working day?
Currently, I feel burn-out. Specifically, I am battling with such heightened negative self-talk with nothing to encourage me to stay employed. Then, who will wait while I heal before I am ready to present a better self to the world? It can be a big request to have people be patient enough while you figure yourself out. It can be a complicated issue to battle with how you feel about yourself with the added pressure of how others will perceive you during this time. And, even more, to demonstrate the level of enthusiasm expected of you every day.
I remember that the world has created these insecurities in me to capitalize on it. I make sure to ignore those who think Gen Z are emotional and not well equipped for the real world, not taking into account we are a generation with social media immersed in our lives. Logging off an app and believing everyone is living a fulfilling life except for yourself can produce feelings of sadness. I know socials are an illusion, yet it still has a vast impact on my mental. We claim we understand the secret battles we collectively face, as it is tough out in these streets but recommends such banal, short-term solutions. Yet, we continue to maintain the culture of pushing through whatever is thrown at us, then act surprised if someone feels defeated.
Will I be brave
For a period, I have been chasing after the things that have been wrong for me. Whenever I have believed something was, I have felt deep within something telling me this is not it. I have had to overcome severe anxiety and panic to convince myself to go through with it. There are only a few things I could potentially feel fulfilled doing while everything up until this point tailored towards pursuing something else. Is making change a betrayal to all the hard work I have done so far? And everyone who has supported me thus far. I try not to feel guilty for not knowing myself well enough to have decided well beforehand. Again, I am learning to be kind to myself for my indecisiveness and not equate it with failure. Even though as the days pass, I have a better idea of what success may mean to me formulates. It is hard to engage in these conversations because I want great things for myself, but I will prioritize fulfillment over monetary gain. Therefore, if I am directionless for some time, I am alright with that.
