Mind 01
These are the wasted times; the times spent pulling away from the love the world has to offer.
I feel so much regret thinking of particular situations and view them as wasted time. And, this leaves me to wonder if the statement ‘I’m glad I experienced it’ is even worth the pain I am left with, I genuinely think it’s not.
During Summer 2020, It hurt because I craved deeper connections than what I previously experienced. But, everyone expected love to be poured into them without ever pouring into me, which I found slightly odd and frustrating. In short, I felt a lack of love from those who I cherished. Understandably, it is terrifying to just lay yourself flat on a table and potentially have people butcher each part of you with a knife. However, there’s the other possibility that involves experiencing a beautiful connection. So, I sat down and examined whether people refused to love me because they were frightened or chose not to love me. It’s so easy to feel offended by distance and label the other person as shit, but maybe they have chosen not to be in your life, and they are allowed that.
Collateral damage
I want people to never allow anyone as much of an opinion over them as I have. I entertained belittlement for a laugh, despite being emotional and overly critical of myself. I believed comments made by those who I respected, and in the past let them damage my self-esteem. It happened because those people knew I did not regard myself highly.
It is vital to let go and not hope for what could have been by reminding yourself it could never be any different from how it played out. This part requires mental strength because of rumination. It’s hurtful attempting to convince yourself that people will change because of the importance you believe you have to their life, despite all the things said to you. It shouldn’t be this way, and the least we can expect from others is compassion and communication. I use to feel guilty for having this expectation. But is it not the least I can expect? How can a bond be so carelessly destroyed with the time spent building it? And for the person to continue unscathed.
Jaded
We should never invalidate our feelings as our expectations of others are likely there because of the promises they made to us, and our grievance is a reaction to feeling jaded because of them falling short. If someone states that you can rely on them, eventually you will believe you can, but then to be abandoned (also known as ghosting) is not pleasant to experience. I affirm myself when I feel I am spiralling because I can end up in an endless cycle of shame for all my valid emotions. Whatever you ask is never an inconvenience and will be met by someone in due time. If what you desire are deep and meaningful connections, then anything nonchalant is not worth your time. If the company you keep does not give you the love you want, you should end the relationship. We want to be around people we can share ourselves with and know we are 100% safe.
